Post by Deleted on Nov 24, 2015 16:32:07 GMT -6
It’s been a few days since I had that scare when I had a sudden seizure after my therapist appointment. I guess I’m lucky that Ty was there when it happened because fuck knows what could have happened if he wasn’t. The doctors forced me to stay in over night so they could monitor me and make sure I was well enough to be released, thankfully there wasn’t another seizure, but now on top of anti-depressants, I have some more medication to take.
I’m sitting here at home, my own home, back here in New York City, waiting for Ty and Zel to arrive. I’ve been thinking a lot about what my therapist told me the other day and even though I know neither of them will take it in an offensive manner, I still feel so much guilt and I’m really scared to talk to them about this.
I’m busy writing up my heart-felt Christmas letter to Ty and Zel when I hear a knock at the door. I quickly get to my feet and make my way over to the front door and open it to find both of them standing there.
“Hi guys...come on in...”
Tyler enters first and greets me with a hug, Zelda quickly following but her hug has a bit more force to it, though I honestly wouldn't expect anything else from Zel.
"Man are Zel and I tired, we had so much to do these past few days with getting everyone settled to leave the summer home in England and then get travelled here so we could be good for Thanksgiving, as well as be able to book our flights for the Pay-Per-View event. But hey, we made it so that's what counts!"
"Mhm, and also Aunty Stacy gets to now fully start helping me with some of my prenatal stuff now that we have hit the Second Trimester. By the way, how have you been feeling Stace?"
Closing the door behind me, I make my way into the kitchen as I shout my answer back to her on my way.
“I’ve been doing fine thanks, Zel! Do you guys want anything to drink? Or eat?”
"Oh you can just grab me whatever Stacy, as long as you think it's okay for me to drink it and it doesn't affect the baby. Do you want anything Tyler?"
"Nah, I've got myself a drink already, but if you have any apples in there Stace I'd be happy to have one please."
"Oh and Stacy, what's this you are working on in here? You writing a letter to someone?"
I quickly rush my way over to see what Zel is talking about and see her going towards my Christmas letter I'm writing to her and Tyler.
“Shit! That’s nothing for you to see right now...it’s my fault, I shouldn’t have left it lying around...”
Quickly, I swipe up the letter off the table and put it into a nearby drawer before heading back into the kitchen and moments later, coming back with two bottles of water and an apple. I hand the apple to Tyler and one of the bottles to Zel before unscrewing the top of mine and taking a swig.
“It’s a secret...but anyway...please, sit down...make yourselves at home...”
"Oh...well alright then Stace, but you know you don't have to keep secrets from me."
Zel and Tyler make their way over to the couch and sit down, Zel leaning against Tyler's shoulder and kissing him on the cheek while also rubbing her belly slightly. I know the baby bump she has is barely anything at the moment, but I can't help but feel so happy for her and Tyler coming closer and closer to being parents.
"I'm so happy to be sitting down in a comfy seat, that plane and the cab we took felt like I was sitting on rocks."
"Oh poor Zel Zel with her first class problems."
Tyler smirks and Zelda responds by elbowing him right in the side, which causes me to laugh a little at how adorably rude they act with each other.
“Well Zel, if you must know, that letter is something that both of you will be able to read in due time...”
I take a seat opposite them, my nerves begin to increase as I know that I can’t hold this in for much longer. I check the time on my phone and realize it’s time for my meds so I grab two of my anti-depressants and take them with another swig of my water.
“So listen guys, here’s the thing...when I was having my appointment with my therapist, she asked me a question pertaining to you guys and Katie. It took me a long time to answer it, and when I eventually did...since then, I’ve been full of guilt. I know it was only hypothetical and the chances it will actually happen is extremely slim if not impossible...but it’s still...heartbreaking to think about...”
"Well again, like I just said Stacy, you know you can tell me and Tyler anything."
"For sure, but of course I know this probably was a bit rough on you since it seemed this hypothetical situation actually is what triggered your seizure with me. I mean, if you feel comfortable enough to talk to us about it, then by all means, but please don't force yourself into another situation like what happened the other day."
I nod, smiling softly as I take another swig of water, trying to keep myself calm.
“Basically, she asked me that if the time ever arose...and I had to choose out of being with Katie for the rest of my life and never see the two of you again...or vice versa...”
I begin to breathe heavily, I really need the meds I was given for my seizure.
“Ty...can you get me the meds I was given after I had my seizure...I really need them...they’re on my bedside table in my room. Just go straight ahead at the top of the stairs, it’s the room right in front of you...”
"Alright, but just in case..."
Tyler reaches into his pocket and pulls out a bottle of medication, handing it to Zelda.
"You still remember?"
Zel nods as Tyler gets up and heads upstairs to my room. Meanwhile, Zel comes over to me and makes sure I'm feeling comfortable. You would think it should be the other way around with her being pregnant, but it shows how great of friends we are.
"I'm right here to make sure you are okay, don't worry Stace. If you want to stop with telling your hypothetical I understand, I don't want you upsetting yourself."
As she says this, Zel wraps me in a hug and leans against me.
“Thanks Zel, but I need to do this...it’s supposed to make things easier for my recovery, and I’ll be damned if I’m going to give up on getting my life sorted out. This isn’t going to beat me, I need to be around...for Katie...for you guys...and what good am I going to be as your child’s Godmother if I’m not one hundred percent fit and healthy...”
As I say this Zelda shoots up and looks at me with a small glimmer in her eye and a smile, nodding slightly to me. Tyler also has made his way from my room back to the living room with my medication.
"Well it's good to see the doctor only put you on a slightly stronger version of what I gave you the other day, it makes me feel more comfortable for when you may not have this on you when we are all out somewhere."
Tyler kindly opens the bottle and hands me the right amount of medication I'm to take, sitting the bottle down at a table near me then taking a seat back over at the couch. Zelda continues to sit next to me, I guess she just is wanting to make sure I don't start feeling sick or something.
“Thanks Ty...”
I take the medication along with a drink from my bottle of water.
“Basically, when she asked me that question...I said I would choose Katie...”
Beginning to get a little flustered, I calm myself down with some slow breathing.
“I just want you guys to know that I have hated myself ever since I said that...you guys mean the world to me and I would never dream of walking away from you guys. Damn it, if that hypothetical ever became true, I would do absolutely everything in my power to make sure that all of you were still in my life...”
An eerie silence overtakes the room, I don't like there being so little being said. Just as I think this, I jump to feeling Tyler now next to me wrapping me in a hug, and Zel now wrapping me in an even tighter one.
"Stacy, you shouldn't have felt so bad trying to tell me this the other day. Look, Zelda and I wouldn't look bad on you for choosing Katie over us in a hypothetical situation like that."
"I mean Stacy look, you and I are best friends, but I can look you straight in the face and say that although I love you so much I would choose Tyler over you if things were ever in some kind of bad situation there, and that's because I made very sacred vows to this man that as my partner I have to stand by his side unless he does something really cruel to me. If you have to choose Katie over me, or over Tyler, or both of us, I can accept that because she is your partner."
"Along with that, there is always the old saying of 'if you love something enough, you have to be willing to set it free.' Zel and I love you so much Stacy, you are family and without you, so many things would be different right now. But if we ever have to let you go for the sake of you being happy, then so be it. That doesn't mean that we would ever care for you any less though."
"Exactly. Stacy, if it ever came a time I had to say goodbye to you, I can promise you deep down you are still always going to be in my heart as well as Tyler's."
Tears begin to fall down my cheeks, I can’t believe how lucky I am to have two of the best friends anyone could ever ask for.
“Thank you both for being so understanding, I didn’t expect anything less...but hearing it is better than just...thinking it. Plus, I aint leaving either of you two any time soon...how the Hell am I meant to be your kid’s Godmother if I’m not around?”
Tyler smiles pretty brightly as he hears this from me.
"Oh so you are finally accepting being the Godmother...hmm, what do you think Zel, do you think we still have that position open?"
Tyler smirks as he says this, and Zelda goes along with the joke by looking very quizzically at me.
"Hmm...I guess we can allow it even though it took her so long."
Zelda immediately smiles and shrieks, wrapping her hug tighter than ever around me. Good Lord I feel like she is going to crush me with her arms' anaconda-like hugging strength.
“O-okay Zel...time to l-let go now, or else I d-definitely won’t be around for y-your baby’s birth...”
Zelda, hearing this, let's go of me as I gasp and air begins to fill my body once more. Tyler laughs heavily at my reaction, while Zelda smiles brightly once more and kisses me on the cheek.
"Thank you so much for accepting that Stacy...I didn't want anyone else to be a Godmother for our little one other than you and Katie. Now our baby will for sure never have to worry about a future without someone caring for him or her."
The three of us continue chatting away, about our future together along with Katie and hopefully my children too. That’s a part of me that still kills me to this day, not being able to see my kids, but I’m trying to work on that part, hopefully one day I’ll get to see them again.
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I’m sitting here in the reception area of the Sheltering Arms Social Services building waiting to see the social worker, dressed in a pair of smart polished black leather high heeled shoes, a pair of dark tights, a smart plain black skirt coming just above my knees, a smart plain white blouse and a smart plain black blazer with my hair tied back in a ponytail. I hate dressing smart, but I want to make a good impression here, I want my kids back after all and I will do absolutely anything to get them back.
“Mr Johnson will see you now, Ms Jones...”
Snapping out of my trance, I glance over to the receptionist who is looking at me. Quickly, I pick up my small black leather handbag and throw it over my right shoulder before making my way down the corridor, nodding towards the receptionist as I pass her. Reaching Mr Johnson’s room, I take a deep breath in and slowly exhale before knocking three times on the door and await to be allowed entry.
"Enter."
I open the door and step into the office where Mr. Johnson is sitting at his desk going over some paperwork. He slightly looks up at me and nods.
"Ms. Jones, nice to see you. What brings you here that was so urgent for you to do today?"
He offers me a seat and I take it before straightening my skirt out, the nerves beginning to kick in.
“Well, Mr. Johnson...I’m here to regain custody of my two children. Ever since my divorce, due to my line of work, constantly on the road all the time and with my ex-husband retiring, I allowed him custody...”
I pause, remembering that moment, it was one of the hardest things I have ever had to do, but at the time I knew that it would be better for my children to have at least one of their parents in their lives 24/7.
“But since my ex-husband has come out of retirement, things have been rather sour between us. And, I’m worried about the kind of environment that my children will now be growing up in, the type of people he’s hanging around with now, it worries me...”
"Yes, we do understand a bit about Mr. Robinson's current way of going about his business and have actually had conversations with him recently about the need to calm down with how he handles certain things. However, we also pay attention to how you have been acting recently Ms. Jones, and personally I must say I am rather surprised you would want to put your children into an environment where your emotions one day could leave them just going right back to Mr. Robinson anyway because you may not be around anymore."
Mr. Johnson lays down his paperwork and leans back in his chair awaiting a response.
“I...”
Pausing for a few moments, I know he’s right, but I’m making positive progress with getting over my depression, surely that counts for something, right?
“With all due respect, Mr. Johnson...I have been making significant progress in turning my life around since my suicide attempt. And I have a loving girlfriend and a couple of extremely close friends who will also be there for my two children if need be. I honestly believe that I am more than capable of being able to give my children the care they require...”
"Now, Ms. Jones, I understand you are in the process of getting professional help, and that is going to look good for you...in due time. But at this current moment, you show absolutely zero credibility to being able to have these kids on a regular basis again. If you wish to go to court about this, feel free, but I have to fully be honest that at this point, despite his flaws Mr. Robinson keeps those kids safe and we here would put our resources into backing him against you. I don't want to have to do that but at this point in time, I have no other choice in the matter, the only other option for them at this point other than to stay with Mr. Robinson is for them to go into foster care."
Mr. Johnson stands up and walks over to me, placing a hand on my shoulder.
"Be all that I said true, we here still want to help you, but you need to be professional about this and not put your own feelings over the safety of two lives. I want you to prove me wrong, but I can't risk this kind of thing right now Ms. Jones."
His words repeat over and over in my mind, zero credibility, foster care. I want to scream at the top of my lungs, but I need to remain professional. I even want to try and plead with the man, but that won’t come across well either.
“I...I understand...”
I slowly stand to my feet, my eyes glazed over as the thought of still not being able to see my children crushes my heart. I turn away from Mr. Johnson and head towards the door to his office, tears falling down my cheeks. I can’t even tell if he’s talking to me or something, everything is just drowned out by the sheer emotion that fills my body right now.
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Here I am, drinking away my problems in some bar, drunk out of my fucking skull as I knock back my tenth glass of Jack Daniels whiskey, I know I shouldn’t be drinking alcohol due to the medication I’m on, but I’m at the point where I’m past caring right now, I just want the pain to go away. I take my cell phone out of my pocket and check the time, and it reads 8pm, I also notice a few missed calls from Katie, Zelda and Tyler.
“Shit!”
I’m an hour late for my double date with them, they must be worried sick about me. I slowly get up from the stool that I’m sitting on and I begin to make my way out of the bar, trying my best not to fall over. One I get outside, I pull out my carton of cigarettes and lighter from my pocket, taking one of the cancer sticks out, I place it between my lips and light it before I begin to stumble down the street towards the restaurant, luckily it’s only a few blocks away.
“Fucking social services saying I’m not fit to look after my fucking kids...”
I mumble angrily due to the extremely shitty day I’ve had so far, what feels like a walk that took forever, I realize I’m standing right outside the restaurant now. I quickly finish off my cigarette and straighten myself up, trying my best to look presentable as I trip up on the small step leading into the restaurant.
“Ooops...”
I finally enter the restaurant and as soon as I do, I notice Katie get to her feet from the table and immediately makes her way over to me, quickly followed by both Ty and Zel. Looks of concern cover their faces as I head towards them, on my way however, I accidentally bump into a woman who was walking over to her table with a glass of wine in her hand and it goes everywhere.
“Watch it, bitch!”
Suddenly I see red, I was going to fucking apologize to her, but considering she just said that, then she can go straight to fucking Hell. I go to slap her, however she notices my hand coming and ducks it and instead, I strike Katie right across the face, hard. I cover my mouth in shock as I watch my beautiful, sweet, innocent girlfriend fall to the floor as she clutches her bright red cheek in pain. The entire restaurant is now in silence and everyone is looking at me, I want to apologize to Katie, but everything is just too overwhelming. I suddenly burst into tears before quickly turning around and heading towards the door as Zelda begins to run after me, yelling.
"Stacy wait! It's okay come ba-"
Before Zelda can get out of reach, Tyler grabs onto her and just shakes his head, no.
"Zelda, don't...I'll go check on her. Katie, are you okay?"
I burst out of the restaurant and rest my back against the outside of the building, looking up at the sky, I suddenly scream.
“WHY!!! WHY ME!?!?”
"All right, what's going on?"
I jump a little as I notice Tyler now standing next to me, a look of huge concern on his face but begins to be replaced with one of confusion as his nose picks up the smell of alcohol fuming off of me.
"Stacy, you smell like you just shoved down like four bottles of whiskey, are you drunk right now?"
“What does it matter if I am anyway...my life’s ruined...”
"What do you mean your life is ruined? Just because you slapped Katie? Look she is okay, trust me, just come back inside and let's talk this out and you can apologize."
Tyler grabs on to my hand and begins trying to walk me back inside.
“Get off me!”
I pull my hand from his grasp as he turns back to me, slightly taken back at my aggression.
“You don’t get it do you? My life IS over! I’m a fucking mess! I’ve went ahead and embarrassed my best friends in front of dozens of people...what a great friend I am! I’ve slapped my girlfriend in the face...what a great girlfriend I am! And on top of that?”
I let out a little, sarcastic chuckle.
“On top of that...I’m so messed up that I can’t even be deemed fit enough to look after my own fucking kids! So guess what? I’m also a bad mother too! Yay for me!”
"Stacy, calm down okay. Look I didn't know that your meeting with trying to get your kids back went bad, but you know if you allow yourself to keep improving you will be on a much better track towards getting them. And you know we are gonna support you, all three of us, you just had a rough moment in there, we can understand that. Trust me if I cared about being embarrassed in public I wouldn't be out here to help you."
Tyler begins to walk back to me with his hand out.
"Please just come with me Stacy. Nobody is going to be upset with you if you just let go of all this mess and come enjoy the night with your friends, the ones that love you more than anything."
Again, I let out a sarcastic chuckle, shaking my head.
“How can I enjoy myself when all of this has happened? It’s easy for you to say that we can still sit down and enjoy ourselves, isn’t it? You’ve got nothing to worry about! You and Zel are perfect...you’ll have your baby, and then you’ll fucking live happily ever after! Not having to worry about possibly never seeing your kid again! Your life is all peaches and fucking cream...”
I catch a glimpse of a piece of sharp rusty metal on the floor, I have no idea what it could be from, but quite frankly, I couldn’t give a shit. I lunge forward and grab it, placing it close to my left wrist as I look up to the sky again, tears streaming down my face.
“If you do fucking exist up there you rotten bastard! IS THIS WHAT YOU WANT FROM ME?!?!”
Just as I yell this, I plunge the metal towards my wrist, but wait, where is the release? I look down and realize that covering my wrist is Tyler's hand, he lets out a small sound of signifying pain, as blood begins to pour from his hand but he manages to keep it placed on my wrist.
"I'm...not letting you do this on my watch damn it! Look, you want me to say it, yes my damn life isn't half as bad as what your fucking going through. But I wish every damn day I could be in your shoes just so I can fully grasp why you suffer from the demons you do! That is coming from a friend, someone who really could just leave and never worry about you again, but if it were not for you I wouldn't have any great fucking life to go back too, Stacy! You were the only person who was able to save Zelda and our baby the night Scarlet attacked her, and you have been our biggest support. Without you, our lives are worthless, and I actually mean that."
Tyler grabs the metal from me and throws it into the alley, blood still coming out of his hand.
"I don't know what we have to do, but we are gonna help get your kids back. I promise that. But please...don't give up on this. It hurts, I know it does, I'm sure you want to die. I felt the exact same way when I had to identify my dead son and ex-wife's corpses at a morgue all those years ago and it still haunts me. But we both now have so much to look forward to as our lives slowly improve, you have Katie and with enough time and patience could get your kids back, and I have Zelda and a baby on the way."
As Tyler says this, he falls to the ground grasping at his scarred hand, he must be getting dizzy from the blood loss.
"I'm sorry I put myself in the way of letting you go, but if anyone is worth me saving, it's Zelda, Katie...and you."
I quickly tear a piece of my smart black skirt, means I’ll have to buy a new one, but I don’t give a fuck, my friend is more important. I get down on my knees and wrap his hand in it, closing it tight to put pressure on it as I dial for an ambulance.
