Final Therapy Session.

I am not dead.

But I walk upon a ground littered with shards of glass. Barefoot. With each step, with each day, I leave a path of crimson prints behind. Standing back, it's quite the sight. The glimmering fragments reflecting the morning light. A light... that I can't see. Wind blowing warm air... that I can't breathe. A beauty I can't even think to experience for myself. And perhaps I force myself not to, through fear of taking one more step forward on that perilous road I so stupidly took...

And it... hurts to exist.

What a shitty thing to say. When there are those out there battling wars far more devastating... far more fatal. My mommy hit me. My daddy never loved me. My sisters are a couple of messes of their own. And I... I'm the poster child for bad decisions. Just another cold, hateful bitch with a violence fetish. There's nothing special about someone who acts war-torn when they're the ones who walked right out into the fucking gunfire.

Misery is in the company of the fool who allows it to be.

Ha... I... I always wished I could flip the page in this story... without knowing how it ended. Without the fucking spoilers. Without the bullet holes in the flimsy paper that makes up my existence. My past is an experience that's been told time and time again. My present is a mask seen worn by many women and men. And my future? Destroyed by past transgressions and sin. Because the way I reacted to the stones thrown my way... was by tying them to my fucking legs. And jumping in a river.

Needless to say, I'm drowning.

I've been waterlogged for too damn long. It's either I'm reddened by the blood of my feet or turned blue by the liquid in my lungs. On land or in the water, I still end up the same way. And I thought there was no escape. Though people even attempted to give me one.

One tried to drag me out, drowning herself in the process. Another tried using brute force. This one only sat at the edge of the water, taking notes on how long I could stay submerged. That one told me that I could live forever, ignoring the bits of glass sticking out of my feet and my head still dunked beneath the surface. And of course, the only one who got close to pulling me out... let go. And I fell back in...


Onto jagged rocks.

---

"If you don't wanna slip up tomorrow, speak the truth today."

The little girl spoke gently, her voice a mere whisper in the wind that blew my hair to the side. I didn't bother fixing it, tired gaze trailing along my surroundings.

Hello Caguas, my old friend; the place, the people, who taught me to never put my trust in... in anything. The people here hate me, you know. I was... haha... such a brat... I'd run into stores, cigarette burns lining my arms, pleading with them for help. And they'd tell me to stop begging for attention. The 'rebellious child', they'd call me. They'd tell me to stop lying. They'd tell me to go home. And I'd... I'd get so fucking angry. Kick things over, scream, shout. They'd call the police... I'd be dragged home. I'd be given back. And I'd add one more scar to the many I'd collected on my young skin.

More than I could count...

Blinking away those memories, I slowly returned my attention to the child sitting cross-legged in front of me. I sat the same way, on the soft emerald grass in some backyard in some small neighborhood in this stupid city. The tree I leaned my strained back against had gotten smaller. But perhaps it was just me who'd gotten bigger...

"I always tell the truth."

I squirmed slightly in the humidity of Puerto Rico. Though not donning my usual leather attire, I still wore dark jeans, my thick-heeled boots, and a shredded tank-top that I'd had for... years now. It ah... still had some blood stains on it. But I never got rid of it. I'm... not sure why.

The little girl, we'll call her 'RJ', wore something strangely similar. Though her's were jean shorts and her tank top was clean and uh, in one piece... minus the one slash through it, right at her upper left chest area. Her hair was shorter, thinner, and eyes held so much more light to them. They almost seemed to glow in the early morning sun, as streaks of oranges and blues blanketed us in a dramatic, vibrant coloring. After a moment of skepticism from RJ, she smiled slightly. Even that simple expression was more genuine than any I could muster...

"Do you?"

"What do I have to lie about?" I asked her, hands resting on either side of me, mindlessly playing with the grass there. RJ shook her head and responded...

"We'll test it then..."

"Here we go..."

"Who are you?"

The question caught me off guard, and I tightened those hands, grip forcing the blades of grass from their roots. "Cera. Obviously."

"I didn't ask your name, silly."

"What the fuck do you want me to say?" I grumbled, feeling irritated. The little girl flinched and shook her head.

"A quick temper'll make a fool outta you soon enough..."

"Okay, Confucius." I rolled my eyes and loosened my hands again, coming up with a retort. "I'm the Baddest Bitch, of course."

"You're not so bad."

"... I-"

"You're also just giving me another name. I wanna know who you are. Or who you think you are." She smiled at me kindly... patiently... and I took in a deep breath.

"I am... a wrestler? A... fighter?"

"Well, you are a fighter."

"We all are." RJ looked surprised at my words, lifting her eyebrows up as I explained, "I mean, I'm not the only one with demons... with battles to fight. And mine are silly in comparison to some-"

"No one's fights are any more or less important." RJ came back at me, her smile dropping, replaced with a serious expression, "That's what people don't get, Cera. Cuz one person might be fighting cancer and one person might be fighting depression but they both wanna end the pain. And though one's physical and the other's in their head, that doesn't make the pain any less real. That doesn't make them wanting to die... their death... any less important. One life isn't more important than another, right?"

"Unless one of them is a piece of shit person-"

"One life. Isn't more important. Than another." Her eyes locked onto mine, and I gulped down what I was saying as she continued, "Mistakes can always be forgiven if you have the courage to admit them!"

"That's not how it works." I snapped, feeling my anger begin to build, "If someone's a rapist, a killer, a monster... them dying is a blessing to this world!"

"Losing a life is never a blessing!" She snapped right back, shaking her head wildly, "It's even sadder when it's someone like that! Cuz those who're unaware they're walking in darkness never even seek the light! And they just get consumed and eaten up by the dark til they're made out to be nothing. And that makes them sink even lower until... until they're too far gone to ever see that light again. And they die. And no one cares. Some people even celebrate. But they... everyone... has a chance to drag themselves back out into the light, y'know? It's just... no one gives them a chance..."

"Some people don't want to drag themselves out."

"And why's that?" She asked calmly, her voice less emotional now, eyes trained on me. I watched her for a few seconds, before leaning my head back against the rough bark of the tree. I knew the answer... of course I did. Because I've been there. Or am I still there...?

"They want to punish themselves."

"Isn't that sad?"

"But some people enjoy the darkness."

"No one enjoys the darkness, Cera." She murmured in that same soft tone, staring away. Her voice cracked on her next words, "They just can't reach the light, so they make do."

There was silence between us then, though not uncomfortable. The weather was nice, and people must have still been asleep. The only noise was the soft chirping of birds nearby, and my voice echoing over the large backyard I sat in.

"This entire conversation is pointless." I finally sighed, exasperated at how this had gone thus far. But she shook her head and held a finger up to me.

"No it isn't! We're trying to answer the question you still haven't!"

"What?"

"Who are you!"

"Ugh, that bullshit again." Rubbing my eyes tiredly, I pulled out a cigarette and tried to light it. But every time I flicked my lighter, the flame went out. And I began getting more and more frustrated.

"You shouldn't smoke."

"I shouldn't do a lot of things."

"At least you know that, huh?"

"Knowledge is power, I guess." I mumbled, finally giving up and throwing my cig and lighter to the side. RJ pouted her lips.

"Knowledge gives you power, but character gives you respect."

"No wonder I'm so disrespected in this industry." I smirked slightly, and the little girl offered one of her own.

"And Matt Slater's the opposite."

That name made me tense up, but I relaxed almost immediately after. No. I wouldn't let the mention of that man make me react like that anymore. If I wanted to burn this bridge, I had to be willing and ready. The problem is... I was still standing on it, despite holding the match in my hand. The wood was old, decrepit... ready to fall apart. It'd been worn down by emotion; pain and anger, as well as happiness and love. Stained with blood and lipstick marks. Barbed wire and sharpie-drawn hearts. Rain, snow and sleet and sun, clouds and heat. Burdened by the weight of a thousand words, some unspoken, but all holding such powerful messages.

"Finally onto something relevant." I said pointedly, sitting up straight and ready to discuss my opponent. Too bad he was so much more than that.

"Oh right, you're fighting him." RJ put a finger to her lips, as if just remembering this. Not that I was surprised. She was just a kid, I doubt she watched a shitload of wrestling. And even if she did, she surely didn't understand most of it. What was she... like 9? 10?

"Yeah, I'm going to be in the ring with him here. I didn't even know Caguas had an arena... but whatever. Double Jeopardy is the time for me to...... why are you looking at me like that?"

It was unnerving. RJ stared at me with slight skepticism but also an odd emotion I couldn't place; like a mixture of sadness, pity, and confusion. As if she didn't comprehend what I said, but still felt unhappy with it. The little girl rocked in place and stared into the sky as she responded, "I didn't mean here though."

"What?"

"Well you've been fighting him for a long time now right?"

"I mean, we've been having some back and forths recently. And I found out through a message from Sky that the match will be no disqualification... not that I care. I just have to pin the guy and- oh my FUCK, STOP STARING AT ME LIKE THAT."

She jumped slightly when I yelled, having returned her gaze to meet mine, and she nervously rubbed the back of her neck, "I-I was just thinking... well... you're wrong."

"What the hell does that mean?"

"It means you're not just fighting an opponent, it hasn't just been some silly back and forths! This fight's been going for half a decade now!" She cried, waving her arms dramatically. I blinked and shook my head.

"Look, kid, I know you probably don't get this but I can't focus on the past right now. I'm trying to change-"

"Is that the end goal here?"

That made me pause, as I frowned slightly in thought. What even was my goal in all of this? This little bout with Matt? To teach him a lesson? To get him off my back? To show him and everyone else that I was going to... do things differently... somehow? Why... were we getting in the ring together again?

"Ya know, you can't run away from the past." She continued, and I felt my blood freeze in my veins. Looking back up at her, I noticed a slight change to her voice... as if it'd deepened slightly. And... she'd grown, just a little. But enough for it to make a difference......

"What?"

"You know, someone you really look up to once said to not pray for an easy life... but for the strength to endure a difficult one. How long have you endured, Cera?"

"Wait, wait, wait. How-"

"He always tried to help you through everything. He saw how you fought, single-handedly, with your demons. They came at you with sharpened blades and all you had was your bare hands and yet you still kept them at bay for the longest time."

"Will you fucking let me-"

"During that time you met this man. His heart was three times bigger, and his moral code so much stronger, and despite that he was still just as broken and messed up as you."

"He was-"

"He was your greatest strength and yet your greatest weakness. He breathed life into you when you felt like you were slowly dying, but he also took it away. He poured his tortured soul into you and you realized that while he was trying to save you, he needed saving just as badly."

I didn't try to get a word in anymore, instead letting the agonized emotion play out on my face. Pain... whatever other fucking word is there for it? That's all that could be written there, and I didn't even bother hiding it as she continued.

"That's why he disappeared. Because he realized he was just as broken and he couldn't put you back together if he wasn't in one piece himself."

"He left when I needed him the most!" I shouted, as the tears finally came. I'd promised myself that I wouldn't do this. I would just live my life and try to put it back on track and not let this bullshit affect me anymore. But that wasn't an option, I guess. Not this week, when I'd have to stand face-to-face with a man I-

"You never loved him."

The color left my face, my widened eyes focusing on nothing but the ground below. The grass around me was in patches now, as I realized that I'd been pulling it all up throughout this conversation. I opened my mouth to reply, but nothing came out.

Overall... she was right.

"He walked on glass with you. He drowned right beside you. And you appreciated him. You cared for him. You wanted him by your side. But you... never... loved him. You just... needed him."

"Heh... that doesn't sound like a very healthy relationship..." I whispered, voice cracking as I tried to sound sardonic in tone. Didn't work too well. "I wasn't... I wasn't using him."

"No. You weren't." This time I almost expected it, as I tearfully looked up to see her older yet again. This time... easily a teenager. Her warm expression made my chest hurt, as I tried to ignore the familiar scarring on her arms and legs. "You don't get it, Cera. You're not a bad person. You just did bad things. Because no one showed you the light... and when someone tried to offer you their's... it was too late."

"He shouldn't have to offer me his. He needs his."

"He's already lost his."

"It's my fault."

"It's his own fault. Because rather than try to strengthen his light, he let your darkness consume him. His own demons, perhaps, are so much more vicious than your's..."

"No." Locking eyes with RJ, I now smiled weakly, "I... am his demon."

"Hm. Didn't I tell you that you've been fighting a long time now?"

"..." I had opened my mouth again, only to shut it. Processing what had been said, I finally responded, "Do you think he enjoys the darkness?"

"I already told you that no one-"

"Then why is he still standing in it?"

Ready and willing to be consumed...

"Why?" That one word burst out of me with so much emotion that even RJ looked startled. She swallowed and looked away, the glow of the sun now lighting us up even more. But no matter how much time passed, she couldn't look back at me. And I knew why. Because she didn't have an answer. So I kept on.

"I was once asked by some jack-off in NEW back in the day... why I was doing this. He said we were the same. He said we both wanted to make something of ourselves. That we'd never been appreciated and that our main goal wasn't necessarily power, but to be seen. To not just be another victim of bad decisions and a fucked up life. And maybe it was the drugs he was so obviously on talking when he said it, but something stuck to me... the fact that one of the most deplorable pieces of shit in that company compared himself with me. Like we were old friends sharing a drink and reminiscing about our silly childhoods... and how we were stupid kids who just got with the wrong crowd."

I took a breath, putting a hand to my chest and tightly clenching my tanktop. "My history isn't just some funny story to share with my children and grandchildren. I was tortured and I tortured myself. I had no home and still fucking don't. I became something my sister couldn't stand, and despite knowing the real me she still keeps her distance because she knows... I'll consume her like I have Matt. Like I have Jen. Like I did to Tyler."

My reddened cheeks only got wetter at the thought of my adoptive son. Every mention of him was like taking a knife to gut. Over and over. Every memory tore at my very soul and I couldn't escape these feelings. And know what's fucked up? I... I'd found out who sent that photo. And I didn't understand. Why... why would... why would I send myself a photo of his fucking grave?

"I keep reminding myself of what I've done. Who I've hurt. Who I've failed and disappointed. And who I've let win." I still wouldn't look at RJ, staring into nothingness as I tried to explain my thought process, "Every little thing has made me who I am. Every decision, every word spoken. I molded myself into something I and everyone else hates. Even Matt... who loves the shit out of me... hates this side of me. The one who pretends that she enjoys the dark, not because she truly does... but because it's been so long that the light is blinding at this point. It hurts... at this point."

"Baby steps." The voice changed again, more mature... just as familiar. It moved over the backyard gently, rolling with the wind and hitting me in the face. I lifted my eyes as RJ continued, "You can't just jump out and expect everything to be different. If your goal is to see the light again, well... a goal isn't always meant to be fully reached. It... often serves simply as something to aim at. So aim toward the light, but don't just leave behind your darkness... because that is exactly what has pushed you to become something more."

RJ and I kept our eyes locked now, the same eyes... the same clothes. I was shadowed by the tree but she now stood in the morning light, hand outstretched. "They all loved you. Even if you didn't feel the same. Even if it was only as friends or family. Even if you don't want to admit it. Reya. Jen. Tyler. Matt. Everyone. They all saw something in you that you refused to acknowledge and loved you deeply for it. And that part of you does not fade, Cera. That part of us has not faded."

"The worst people... still matter. No matter what they've done, who they've hurt, their life was still important. And they always had, and always will have, the opportunity to make things right. We can make things right." Now it was her voice breaking, as she let a tear trail down her... down my... cheek. "Be yourself. Who you know you can be. Express yourself. Have faith... in yourself. And let Matt know, despite everything, after Double Jeopardy you will come out a better person. Not because of him, not for him, and not by his influence... but because you don't want to become him. You're both lost, but while he's lost in you... you're finding yourself in this!"

She spread her arms out, as if showcasing the beauty that was... morning? A new day, maybe? The world? Or... freedom? I stared up into the sky and after a moment, a smile... a true smile... spread over my lips. Something that hasn't been seen for so... so many years. She continued vibrantly, clear and bright as the sky above us,

"Who cares what it is! Who cares how it ends! You're going to succeed and you're going to get through the other side and slowly make your way into the light! Love and life has been lost, pain and sorrow has been had, and yet you're still fighting. And you will be, even without disqualifications, even if everyone is rooting for you to get the shit kicked out of you by a man whose strength doesn't even begin to compare! Because no matter who gets the pinfall you are Cera. You aren't a 'bad bitch' or a 'sovereign of hardcore' or whatever the hell other cliche, stupid nicknames people come up with. You are you. And you'll put on your boots and you'll learn to swim, while Matt's feet are still bleeding as he's still stuck underwater. Because in the end, you are stronger than the anguish, your demons and your sin! You stand an impenetrable diamond and the earth will part itself to let you pass and allow you-"

"-to see the light." I finished quietly, still smiling toward the sky. I noticed that I was now standing, out of the shade of that old, familiar tree. Standing across from a broken down, torn up home that hadn't seen people living in it for quite some time. The neighborhood, once bustling and full of life, decrepit and demolished. Grass not green but a browned, deadened color, with litter covering it and graffiti sprayed on whatever surface possible. The sounds of stray dogs howling, and construction vehicles tearing down buildings... everything looking like what I've felt for so long.

And I stepped back from it all, taking in the miserable surroundings and the painful memories... before letting them go and turning away. Without another word, I calmly made my way out of the yard... my childhood yard... and started back up the street, toward my hotel. I only took one second to look back, seeing that little girl again... smiling at me from that wretched yard and waving after me cheerfully. I put a hand up once, then let it drop as I turned away... and kept going forward.

Even after all that I'd been through, that others had put me through... that I'd put myself through... I was still here. I am still here. And I have time; so much time... to save myself. To become what I should have been. To be my own, and maybe everyone else's... hero.


The key to immortality... is first living a life worth remembering.

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~This has been a V rp, thanx for reading and have a great f*cking day!~