Post by Deleted on Mar 5, 2016 19:10:29 GMT -6
Wow! What a feeling! What a rush! That reaction? It was as if I had been out of action for a lot longer. Honestly, I have never felt so alive than I do right now! Probably...a bad choice of phrase...considering my past...but as I have said many a time already, the past should remain where it belongs...in the past.
It’s been quite a while since my last therapy session with Doctor Li, obviously with how eventful my life has been lately, I haven’t had the time to really get another one scheduled. Matter of fact, I think she must have thought I no longer needed or wanted her help anymore as she seemed rather surprised to hear my voice when I called her up the other day to schedule another session.
I think another reason behind the length of time between my latest session and this one has been due to how happy I have been lately. I honestly don’t believe I have ever felt this happy in my entire life, not just because I’m getting married to my soul mate, not just because my best friends in the entire world are having a little baby girl, but I feel happy within myself too.
No longer am I afraid of being held down by my inner demons...
Sitting up on the same old dark red leather couch, my back propped up against the L shaped back rest, I wait patiently as Doctor Li finishes up whatever paperwork she’s currently busy with.
Dressed in my usual, a pair of black high heeled leather boots, a pair of skin tight black leather trousers, a new black Five Finger Death Punch T-shirt, after my old one was ruined by you know who, and my black leather jacket, I play with my engagement ring, twisting it around on my finger.
As Doctor Li turns her attention to me, she smiles as she looks down at my beautiful ring.
"Was it everything you dreamt it to be and more?"
Snapping back into reality, I glance over to her as I spot her looking at my ring as I smile as well before looking back at it myself.
“More than I could have ever imagined...”
"Well I am so happy for you two, Stacy. Tell me a bit about the experience, what all went through your head?"
“Thanks...and well, it was pretty much the perfect ending to a birthday that I will never forget. I was already so pumped because Katie had taken me to see my favourite band, Nightwish live in concert...then when we got back, Tyler and Zelda were there...and then she got down on one knee...”
The memories of that amazing day begin to flood back and it just causes me to light up.
“I just froze on the spot...I literally couldn’t speak I was so shocked. I had to nod when she asked the big question because I just...couldn’t say the words...my mouth felt like the Sahara Desert...”
"It certainly must have felt surprising, considering she was the one who proposed to you."
Chuckling a little, I nod, still looking at the ring and playing with it.
“It was...especially considering I had already planned to ask her the very same question three days later on Valentine’s Day...”
"Well share with me about some of the other positive things that have been going on for you, I know you seem about a hundred time better than the last time I saw you, minus me noticing your nose in a so-so looking shape."
I let out a small short chuckle.
“Yeah, that was courtesy of my good ol’ friend, Winter Pine. But it’s healing nicely...and I actually believe I took a pretty big step forward in regards to Winter. Due to her past with Zelda, she wanted me to check up on Winter after she’d been having some emotional issues in her personal life. Of course, things could have gone really badly in that scenario, but it actually went pretty well...better than I expected actually...”
"Now that is very surprising to hear. Though I did catch a bit of Breakthrough, it seems maybe that step forward might have went back slightly with how she talked during that near assault of your fiancée."
“Well, I knew beforehand that things were going to go back to normal after I went to visit her. I just did what I did for Zelda...but I expected nothing less from Winter that night...hence why I made sure that I was able to return that night...”
"Have you felt any more fear with Winter like you did the last time we met here?"
Thinking about the question for a moment, I suddenly realize that I haven’t actually had any nightmares or any visits from Winter inside my head for a long time now.
“No...I honestly believe that I’ve overcome her...the power she believed to have over me has since evaporated. I’m stronger now than I have ever been...both physically and mentally...and I’m ready to change my future for the better, both personally and professionally.”
"I'm so happy to hear this progress, Stacy. Now talk to me a bit more about your evolving attitude, do you see this to continue to stay in a good direction? And are there any certain things that still trigger negative thoughts?"
Pausing for a few moments to think about those last couple of questions, I finally conjure up an answer to give.
“I don’t know if I can really say for certain that I believe things will continue going well from here, I’d like it to be, but life can be cruel as you already know very well from the countless clients you have had to deal with...”
Re-adjusting myself on the couch, I glance back over to Doctor Li.
“As for whether there are still certain things that trigger bad episodes? I believe I’ve gotten better at fighting against them. Obviously I don’t want to jinx anything by saying that I believe I’m over those episodes entirely, and no doubt my medication is helping keep them at bay too...so I don’t know, those are questions I don’t have definitive answers for yet...”
"I mean one I can easily go to just as a test, your kids?"
Nick’s picture? I still haven’t even taken it out of my jacket pocket since Veronica gave it to me. Reaching into the pocket, I take it out and unfold it, looking at it and smiling.
“The day I went to speak with Winter...after seeing how she was...thinking she may never see my children again...”
Again, I look up to her with a gentle smile on my face.
“I told her that even if I never get to see them again, I’ll be happy knowing that they are safe and protected with her. Of course, I would like to be involved in their lives as much as possible...but I’ll be content with them also still spending time with their father and Winter. Of course, I never intended on never letting them see Matt again...Winter was my only concern...but not anymore...she loves them so much, and they love her too, I can’t in all consciousness take her away from them...”
"And yet that doesn't bring you fear, your children getting closer to Winter to the point of not wanting anything to do with you anymore?"
“I don’t believe my children will ever end up like that...Winter told me that herself, they know who I am and they will never ever forget me...and will always want me in their lives.”
"Let me word that a different way then, since I know a big part of our therapy sessions is so you can become mentally stable enough to be involved in their life again. What if a court ruled you would never see them again?"
The very thought of such a thing brings a small tear to my eye, I quickly wipe it away and try to maintain my composure.
“I would be heartbroken of course...I want to be able to see them more than anything in the world. I try not to think about that possibility, because I want to focus on the positives...”
Doctor Li smiles as she hands me over a tissue.
"Don't worry, the progress you are making is incredible. You are growing great in your mentality Stacy, and I am very proud to say that. It seems life has finally shaped up for you and that has got to feel really, really nice."
Wiping my tears away, I look deep into her eyes, a look of delight in my eyes.
“Do you think? D-do you think I could...maybe have a better chance now? Of getting them back?”
"If this mindset stays, then I am going to be obligated to hand this information over to human resources and well, from there it's in their hands. But I'd say, in my eyes and my opinion does play a huge factor in these kinds of decisions, you at your current mental state are more than capable of raising a child."
Doctor Li smiles to me as she says this, still staying at a serious tone.
"Of course, I need this to stay a thing, any slip up could hinder your chances by several months or even another year. So we need to make sure you are ready for that kind of opportunity. But even then, the biggest thing is going to be Matthew signing off on it all. End of the day, he was reviewed by HR and they consider him a completely competent parent, and he has full legal custody at the end of the day. A big thing at some point is going to be talking to him about possibly considering a re-write of custody rules for Nick and Chelsea."
“I’m sure he will agree to any kind of deal...I know he’ll never do something that would upset Nick and Chels...”
Doctor Li sits there for a minute thinking, then smiles brightly.
"You know what...that is your exercise I wish for you to do for me this time around before your next appointment with me. I want you to meet with Matthew and discuss a possible visitation plan."
“Okay...I can do that...”
"Do you really think you can? I mean I know that could be a rough task, considering the past you and Matthew have, but I want to see your improvement go above and beyond and sometimes facing the biggest negative forces from your past is how you improve the most."
Nodding, I give her a reassuring smile.
“I believe I’m ready to do this...I managed to confront Tayla for the final time to put her in the past for good...and Hell...I managed to talk to Winter. I think I can handle Matt as well...”
"Well then I think with that you are good to go for today Stacy. But actually, before you do go, I had a curious question for you."
Doctor Li takes hold of her notebook laying nearby and opens it up.
"So...you have told me about how close you are with Zelda. You two being amazing friends, she actually asking you to be the godmother of her child, you two seem really close. What occurs to me as interesting though is the way you described to me in the past of how she acts around you. I'm not one to get into personal details often and what stays behind closed doors is fine, but as a person who studies behaviour like this normally I have to ask, have you and Ms. Lawson ever had a romantic encounter with each other or one that spurred a heat of the moment type of situation?"
Wow. I never saw that kind of question coming. I mean, I know we kind of seem like we’re flirting sometimes, but...she’s married...to a man!
“Uhhh...no we haven’t. I mean yeah, I find her attractive and she finds me attractive...but we both have respective partners that we would never intentionally hurt. Obviously, we’re both women who like other women as well as men sexually, but no...we’ve never had any kind of romantic encounter with one another. I don’t even think Zelda would want to have a romantic encounter with me, I mean, to me...what we do is just for a laugh...”
"See I find that interesting, because I watched some tape from Breakthrough where you and Zelda interacted with each other. The way you two acted caught me off guard, but Zelda especially. Her eye movements at you are very similar to someone who carries a lot of lust for the other...maybe I'm just overlooking the playfulness. But you bring up a valid point to saying that...would you want to have a romantic encounter with Zelda? The nervousness in how you talk seems rather suspicious, and it is my job as a therapist to look into your mentality about things and determine the truth."
Doctor Li smirks as she says all this, a small little giggle coming from her.
“Umm...”
I feel myself getting rather warm in the cheeks all of a sudden as my hands begin to get all sweaty.
“I uhhh...I...”
"Come on now don't be shy. Trust me, what is said in this room stays in this room, only thing that ever comes out is me saying to others if your condition is improving or not. Other than that, my mouth is sealed Stacy, in fact I know in papers you signed before I became your therapist that legally I have to keep my mouth shut to others about your personal thoughts."
Doctor Li stands up then walks over a few feet and takes a seat next to me, giggling a bit more.
"Be honest with me now, that's all I ask of you."
Looking down, almost burying my chin into my chest, rather embarrassingly, I mutter under my breath.
“I may have had one or two dreams about me...and Zelda...”
"And these were...passionate dreams?"
I lightly nod, but quickly lift my head up, looking back at her with an extreme look of worry on my face.
“But they included Katie too! I would never do that to her! I swear!”
"Hey hey, no need to get that way Stacy. It's honestly perfectly normal for close friends to have these kinds of fantasies about each other, especially with you both being bisexual women. In fact, I can bet Zelda indeed has had a fantasy or two about you and Katie, if my reading of looks is correct she has some hidden lust with you two. That's my opinion, but I find it intriguing. See this as my own kind of thought on this, not as your therapist but as a sort of friend, maybe talk to Zelda about this. It may seem embarrassing, but who knows. I'll say in my past I've had my fair share of fun with a couple of my best girl friends, even when I was in relationships. From personal experience, I learn letting the desires actually happen helps strengthen the bond a bit more if there is consensual agreement on doing it for the purpose of fulfilling a fantasy. Who knows, maybe even talk to Katie about it too and see her thoughts."
Doctor Li giggles a bit harder to this.
"I do apologize but I find it kind of cute, Zelda seems like she really loves you and Katie and that just seems like at some point the bond is gonna lead to that and only get stronger because of it. Just my opinion, again, but I am usually fairly good at reading people with these kinds of things."
She looks over me for a moment and smiles at how nervous I look.
"If you are willing though, I'd certainly love to hear more detail on what these fantasies of yours holds. You are my last appointment today and one of my favorite people to talk too, so I can waste some time here."
Looking back down to the ground, I furiously nod before reaching forward and taking the glass of water off the table in front of me and gulping it down until there is nothing left. Setting the glass back down, I wipe my mouth with my sleeve and begin to slowly breathe.
“O-okay...”
"Well just answer me these few questions. How is it instigated, how do you imagine it going, what does it make you feel throughout, and would you actually want this to happen in reality?"
“W-well...it starts with the three of us just having a girls night in...we have a few drinks and um...we start talking to each other about how w-we’re attracted to each other. Then we...we start kissing and undressing each other...”
I begin to hyperventilate a little, getting all flustered as I try and cool myself down by waving the picture Nick drew of me in my face.
“And...I feel...I-I feel full of ecstasy...every touch just feels so good and...”
Jesus Christ I’m starting to feel horny. But uncomfortably horny, being in this room with my therapist, who’s not a bad looker herself. Great! I’m probably going to end up having dreams of her too now.
“S-sorry...I’m getting all f-flustered here...”
Taking more deep breaths, I finally feel ready to finally come out and say it.
“And...I wouldn’t...turn down an offer to get intimate with Zelda...my only condition would be that Katie would be involved too, I don’t think I could bring myself to do anything with another woman without her...even if she were okay with it...”
Doctor Li takes this all in for a few moments, then smiles.
"You definitely should confront Zelda about this, Katie too...I only suggest that because of the way you are acting right now. You are hyperventilating, red as a tomato, and trust me I can tell the look in someone's eyes when those sexual hormones are kicking into overdrive. I think it actually may be a benefit to share this fantasy with Katie, and especially Zelda because my goodness the way you look I'm surprised you HAVEN'T had a heat of the moment thing with her at all. For the sake of your mental stability, believe it or not, getting really close with Zelda has to lead to that at some point."
I shoot a glance towards her, a look of slight worry on my face.
“But...what if Katie doesn’t want this kind of thing to happen? What if she doesn’t appreciate me revealing these things to her? What if she leaves me because of this? I can’t risk that...”
"But not being honest to her about your feelings and desires makes it more likely that if you do snap and do something crazy, she could leave you for cheating. If Katie really loves you, she should be able to understand these deep fantasies."
“A-are you s-sure?”
I scoff at myself, smirking as I shake my head at such a ridiculous comment.
“Of course you’re sure...it’s your job to understand people and their behaviours...”
"Trust me, just talk to her about it. And definitely talk to Zelda about it...in fact, add that to the list of things I wish for you to do before our next meeting. I want to encourage the further improvement of your mind, and this certainly falls among my duties because of how much this affects your feelings."
“O-okay...I’ll try...”
Letting out a small chuckle, I shake my head again.
“Now talking to Matt all of a sudden feels even easier than ever...”
"Well you are welcome sweetie."
Doctor Li giggles a bit to this.
"Okie, you can go if you wish. And if you need to use the bathroom, it's right down the hall after exiting my office. "You got a super look on your face that indicates that you...need a quick release..."
She smirks to this as she turns down to her notebook, still giggling.
“Thanks...”
We both stand to our feet and exchange a handshake with one another before she sees me out of her office. Before I leave though, I turn back to her as I just remembered something I wanted to ask her.
“Oh by the way Doctor Li...I know we only know each other on a professional level, but considering how much you have done for me...and...I know it’s your job and everything. But it has really meant a lot to me, and it has meant a lot to the people who love me and...I was hoping you would be able to come to my wedding?”
Caught a bit off guard like this, Doctor Li's eyes light up as she smiles back to me.
"I would be more honored than you will ever know to be able to come to the wedding Stacy. So, take that as me saying yes."
“Great!”
I smile brightly at her and decide to myself, fuck it, and wrap my arms around her, squeezing her tightly before breaking away from her.
“I’ll let you know when we’ve set a date and a venue...and don’t worry about travel arrangements or anything, I’ll cover it all...”
"I appreciate that a lot Stacy, thank you so much."
Doctor Li giggles a bit more.
"I'm sorry to be rude, but I can feel it. You really need to go to the restroom and take care of that and whatever thoughts are associated with that, otherwise Katie may think we had some big time moment here today."
“Uhh...that might be a good idea...”
With that, I quickly leave the office and make my way towards the restroom.
Well I certainly never expected things to go that way today. And now I’m going to have to reveal these fantasies to both Zelda and Katie, and I have no fucking clue on how to begin such a conversation, with either of them.
Well I certainly never expected things to go that way today. And now I’m going to have to reveal these fantasies to both Zelda and Katie, and I have no fucking clue on how to begin such a conversation, with either of them.
This has been one crazy ass day to say the least, but enough rambling inside my own head, I need to relieve myself.