Post by Deleted on Mar 22, 2016 14:02:54 GMT -6
Having kids is a wonderful thing. There’s no doubt about it. It’s one of the greatest things that could ever happen to you. Unfortunately there can be times though when things aren’t always peaches and cream. Sometimes being with your little bundle of joy isn’t always something that ends up being the best experience of your entire life. And sadly for me, I know exactly how something so magical can turn into something completely different.
And for that reason, I need to reveal something about myself that I have kept hidden for a long time. Something that still haunts me to this very day, something that I feel so much guilt for still to this day. It may not be something she’ll want to hear, and I wouldn’t blame her, but she needs to know because I’m not going to bullshit my best friend about these things.
I want her to have the best possible experience of being a mother.
Katie and I are making our way down the corridor towards the hotel room that Tyler and Zelda are staying at with Elena. I’m dressed in a pair of black short heeled leather boots, a pair of dark blue denim jeans, a black Nightwish Imaginearum T-shirt and a black leather jacket whilst Katie is dressed in a pair of light brown leather boots, a pair of light blue denim jeans, a blue Sonic the Hedgehog T-shirt and a light brown leather jacket.
“I hope Zel’s okay...I didn’t mean to upset her about this whole thing...but being a mother, I know what can happen if she doesn’t get to spend some time away from Elena. I know it’s going to be difficult on her, but she’s just got to have some space sometimes...”
"I'm sure she'll understand, Stacy. It's not like she'll strangle little Elena, hopefully. One of us would have to interfere then, and I'd hate to do that."
Ouch Katie. You have no idea how hearing that makes me feel, reminding me of some of those awful dreams I had about Nick. I glance over to her and nod at her response.
“Yeah...hopefully that doesn’t happen...”
We finally reach their room and I knock three times on the door and the both of us wait there for a few moments until the door opens and Tyler is standing there.
“Hi Ty...”
"Hey gals, nice to see you two."
“We came over as soon as we could, how’s Zel doing?”
"She's okay I think, just really enjoying her time with Elena today. She's practically been laying in bed all morning singing to her."
“May we come in?”
"Of course, Zel's in here on the couch holding the little princess."
Tyler steps aside and holds the door for Katie and I as we enter, looking over and seeing Zel rocking little Elena in her arms and singing softly to her.
"Oh, her eyes, her eyes make the stars look like they're not shining.
Her hair, her hair falls perfectly without her trying.
She's so beautiful.
And I tell her everyday."
"Zel, look who's here sweetie."
Zel looks up from her gaze she had locked to Elena, seeing me and Katie she gives a small smile to us. I can probably guess she still remembers the little Twitter conversation.
"Oh...h-hi girls. I'm sorry, I know I'm not the best singer."
“Nonsense...you have a lovely voice, doesn’t she Katie?”
"Indeed so, it's better than mine."
"Thanks..."
Zel quickly turns her attention back to Elena and kisses her on the cheek, now humming to her as she rocks her. Tyler decides to lay down on the floor and stretch himself out, his back making a couple of pops as he does so.
"Good Lord, I really need to look into some massage therapy at some point. My upper back freaking kills me."
Katie and I sit down next to each other beside Zelda as we both look over to her, both of us smiling as we just watch her cradling and humming away to Elena.
“She gets more and more beautiful every day...”
"She's Mommy's perfect angel, nothing can take her away from me. I love my Elena to the moon and back."
That comment is going to make the reason I’m here even more difficult to bring up. But I’ve got to do it, for Zelda’s sake as well as Elena’s.
“Listen, Zel...about that conversation on Twitter earlier...”
"No, no...Mommy is never ever gonna leave her baby."
"Zel come on now, hear Stacy out, she isn't wrong about what she said."
Zelda immediately shakes her head no and scoots away to the edge of the couch with Elena.
"I know what's best for my baby, if she really doesn't want me I'd be able to tell."
“Zel...please...this is important for your health and Elena’s in the long run...”
Okay, here goes nothing.
“I’ve never told this to anyone, but when I first had Nick...I was exactly the same as you were here. I never wanted to leave him, I didn’t want to go out and spend some time away from him...and...as a result of that, I ended up suffering from postnatal depression...”
Zel’s eyes shoot up towards mine and I can feel the eyes of both Ty and Katie on me too.
“And...it got so bad at one point...that...”
I take a few deep, slow breaths as I try and form the words in my head before saying them out loud. I look around at all three of them, a slight look of concern on my face.
“You guys all know that I love my kids more than anything, right?”
"Of...of course, dear."
Katie hesitates, seemingly feeling really bad about her earlier comment.
"Yeah Stace, you make it obvious how much you love your kids. Zel, Katie, and I easily know that."
“I basically had dreams that I killed Nick...that’s how bad things got for me...thankfully I got help before that kind of thing became a reality. And that was when I found out that it was because I refused to spend time away from him...”
The sheer thought of those painful memories brings a tear to my eyes.
“It doesn’t happen to every mother who has a child, but I just want to help out the best I possibly can because I want you to have the best experience possible with your first child, Zel.”
Shocked, Katie grabs hold of me from the side, wrapping me in a hug and not saying a word. Tyler stands up as well and walks over to the couch, wrapping me in a hug on my other side.
"Hey now, don't get upset. Sadly, it's easy to see how a person's mind can turn to that in a case of overexposure. You were smart enough to do the right thing though, don't worry."
Still a little concerned, I turn over to Zel who's eyes are now filled with tears as she looks down at Elena.
"Y-you...don't think...I didn't know that was a possibility...I swear I haven't had those dreams with Elena, I just love her so much and..."
Zel begins to shake a little in fear, it's rather obvious I hit her pretty hard with saying that.
“Zel...I’m not saying you don’t love her and I believe you when you say you haven’t had those kinds of dreams. I just...I wanted to tell you this as a precaution...you can’t control your dreams and I have always loved Nick from the moment he arrived on this Earth and I was full of guilt after having those dreams...”
Placing my hand onto her shoulder, I stare deep into her eyes with the sincerest of looks.
“I’m just trying to help...to make sure something like that doesn’t happen to you. Therefore, like I said...it’s going to be good for all three of you, if just every now and then you have a few hours, just you and Ty whilst Katie and I look after her for you. That’s all...”
Zelda just looks down at Elena again, her face showing a lot of uncertainty about everything.
"She...won't think Mommy isn't loving her less right? I don't want my Elena to hate me for not being there enough."
“I guarantee she won’t feel that way at all...I would never lie to you, I promise...”
Zelda shakes a bit as she looks up at Stacy.
"Would I at least be allowed to ask for updates on her...so I don't get worried...please."
“Of course...if you really want too, I’m not going to stop you. Katie and I will take good care of her...won’t we Katie?”
Katie nods yes slowly, wiping her tears away.
"Mmhmm."
Zelda again looks down to Elena and smiles seeing her little girl awake with her eyes wide open.
"What about you little princess? Do you want to spend a night with Aunt Stacy and Auntie Katie while Mommy and Daddy go relax a little?"
Elena looks around the room a bit and lets out a small grunt to which Zelda turns her head back up to Katie and I.
"I think Elena is okay with it, I guess."
“Trust me, you’ll thank me later...”
With that, I wrap my arms around Zelda in a hug and Katie joins in, soon followed by Tyler who stands to his feet and also gets in on the group hug, of course, making sure neither one of us squashes little Elena who just looks up at her family who are now all looking down at her.
I’m glad I was finally able to get through to Zelda with this. The last thing I wanted was to upset her, but at the same time, I didn’t her to possibly end up going down the same road that I did when I had Nick.
I would have never forgiven myself if I had let that happen.
