Post by thewarchild on Oct 4, 2015 13:09:55 GMT -6
Dear Journal,
Am I doing the right thing? Is this the road I was meant to travel, or did I change course at the wrong time? Hmm...No I’m not regretting it Journal, but is this really me? I’ve only known sadness and pain yet I’m putting on this happy face in hopes of drawing some positivity to me. I know Journal, I know what I preached, and I haven’t forgotten it, but what has it gotten me? Headaches, empty promises, everything the Asylums gave me! I don’t want that anymore, I want joy, happiness, hope, I’m tired of the hate. Hmm? Surprised my hand is so heavy, well you can imagine the issues this change has caused me, Princess isn’t happy, but Shields is helping, reassuring me that this can work, I can be better.
Devi? Sadly, she hasn’t been around much, I think she doesn’t like the new me either. Time has pushed her away but she’s not the person she was when we met, no longer is her gender an issue and she has a confidence I want. I’ve shielded myself with blood armor and yet she stands tall accepting what she is, I haven’t done that. I couldn’t do that, those rages, the anger, hide the pain, the longing for acceptance. Journal you’ve been with me since the early days, fifteen years locked away, shunned from society, alone, forgotten. SHUT UP, don’t mention that right now Journal, I can’t go there, I need to be positive, I can’t use that anger anymore.
Let me move on, Journal, I don’t know what I can say in you. I know Princess will read to keep up with me, but this is a new company, they might not give me the sanctuary that my past employers have. That's the scary part, you’ve always been my closest friend, pieces of bound paper that never ran away from me, never judged me, well not enough to bother me. I will never stop writing in you, Journal, don’t misunderstand me, I’m just not sure if I’ll be publishing your pages online anymore. It’s too dangerous, I can’t let people bring me back to my darkness, so I’m considering hiding you. Let your pages speak only for me, and guard my secretes.
But that’s the news Journal, I’m changing. I’m scared, panicked, and uncomfortable. But that’s change, it's not easy, and takes strength. So I’m going to walk into VoW with my head high, happy to be accepted for my past, and hopeful for a bright future. I can make this work, I can be happy and have a connection with the fans I’ve never had, Journal. I can have a life! That’s what I’m excited for most, a life outside of dark spaces and fits of anger. Hmmm, yea maybe the recent session shorted out a part of my brain, Shields did ramp the machine up past the usual safety levels, but isn’t a positive me a good thing? Really, a cold day in hell? Well put on a coat, Journal, I’m going to do whatever it takes to be the friendliest, most positive, former crazy person can. So wish me luck Journal, I’m off to catch my flight to Belfast to finalize my contract. Say hello to the new Joanna.
Am I doing the right thing? Is this the road I was meant to travel, or did I change course at the wrong time? Hmm...No I’m not regretting it Journal, but is this really me? I’ve only known sadness and pain yet I’m putting on this happy face in hopes of drawing some positivity to me. I know Journal, I know what I preached, and I haven’t forgotten it, but what has it gotten me? Headaches, empty promises, everything the Asylums gave me! I don’t want that anymore, I want joy, happiness, hope, I’m tired of the hate. Hmm? Surprised my hand is so heavy, well you can imagine the issues this change has caused me, Princess isn’t happy, but Shields is helping, reassuring me that this can work, I can be better.
Devi? Sadly, she hasn’t been around much, I think she doesn’t like the new me either. Time has pushed her away but she’s not the person she was when we met, no longer is her gender an issue and she has a confidence I want. I’ve shielded myself with blood armor and yet she stands tall accepting what she is, I haven’t done that. I couldn’t do that, those rages, the anger, hide the pain, the longing for acceptance. Journal you’ve been with me since the early days, fifteen years locked away, shunned from society, alone, forgotten. SHUT UP, don’t mention that right now Journal, I can’t go there, I need to be positive, I can’t use that anger anymore.
Let me move on, Journal, I don’t know what I can say in you. I know Princess will read to keep up with me, but this is a new company, they might not give me the sanctuary that my past employers have. That's the scary part, you’ve always been my closest friend, pieces of bound paper that never ran away from me, never judged me, well not enough to bother me. I will never stop writing in you, Journal, don’t misunderstand me, I’m just not sure if I’ll be publishing your pages online anymore. It’s too dangerous, I can’t let people bring me back to my darkness, so I’m considering hiding you. Let your pages speak only for me, and guard my secretes.
But that’s the news Journal, I’m changing. I’m scared, panicked, and uncomfortable. But that’s change, it's not easy, and takes strength. So I’m going to walk into VoW with my head high, happy to be accepted for my past, and hopeful for a bright future. I can make this work, I can be happy and have a connection with the fans I’ve never had, Journal. I can have a life! That’s what I’m excited for most, a life outside of dark spaces and fits of anger. Hmmm, yea maybe the recent session shorted out a part of my brain, Shields did ramp the machine up past the usual safety levels, but isn’t a positive me a good thing? Really, a cold day in hell? Well put on a coat, Journal, I’m going to do whatever it takes to be the friendliest, most positive, former crazy person can. So wish me luck Journal, I’m off to catch my flight to Belfast to finalize my contract. Say hello to the new Joanna.