Post by Deleted on Nov 17, 2015 2:48:29 GMT -6
I’m lying here on the dark red leather couch, looking up at the plain blank whitewashed ceiling. The ticking sound of the clock penetrates my ear drums as I lie there, nervously twiddling my thumbs, waiting for Doctor Li to begin the session. She seems like a nice woman, of Asian descent with long flowing ebony coloured hair, with a pair of small rimless glasses resting on her nose. As nice as she may seem though, it doesn’t stop me from being nervous about the fact that I’m going to have to reveal very personal information to her, and she’s a complete stranger to me. But I guess this is her job and all, and I need to do this to sort my life out and get it back on track.
"Are you feeling okay Ms. Jones? I can understand these things can make someone like you a bit nervous, but I promise you are safe to relax and let your mind go here. I want to do nothing but help you right now, and that is a promise I take very seriously dear."
“I’m fine...just a little nervous I guess...but I trust you...and I want to get help. For my friends, my family, my girlfriend...but most importantly...for myself...”
"Well this is the best thing for you Stacy, now if you are comfortable, I can go on with our little discussion, alright?"
I shuffle a little bit to get a little more comfortable before taking a deep breath in and then slowly exhaling.
“I’m ready...”
"Alrighty, well let's start from the beginning. If you can Stacy, take me back to where the root of your old problems persisted, back in your schooling days. Explain to me a bit, the circumstances of your past."
I remember back to my school days, a dark time for me, a time that I hated more than anything, or at least, one of them.
“I was what you can best describe as ‘different’ from all the other kids at school, I was always the outcast...the loner. Through school I only ever had two friends, well...one friend really...the other was just nice to me all the time, that was the dinner lady...”
Remembering my loving dinner lady brings a small smile to my face.
“Where all the other girls were snobbish, stuck up air-headed bitches...excuse my language...always wanting to be the hottest girl, always partying, getting drunk and having sex with anyone and any thing with a pulse. I just kept to myself, I kept my head down, studied for exams or read a book or something. I remember how often I used to draw too...and on the odd occasion, play a video game or two...”
Again, remembering the nice side of things makes me feel happy as I continue.
“Whenever I was bullied and picked on at school, I’d come home distraught, if my brother was there...my adoptive brother...he’d cheer me up by letting me play on his Sega Megadrive with him. We’d play Streets of Rage and he’d tell me to pretend that the enemies were all the bullies and it made me feel better. If he wasn’t there, I would just bury my head into a book, or spend hours drawing...those things made me happy. And then my brother got imprisoned for ten years...my rock...my best friend...gone in a matter of seconds...I was all alone...”
"Tell me a bit more about your brother. What happened to him that got him put in jail? And also, how did your parents treat you, and how well did they take a lot of what was going on with you?"
“My parents knew nothing about what I was going through, at least at first they didn’t but they always treated me like I was their actual daughter, with unconditional love and care. Paul was the only person I felt comfortable in confiding in...he was such a loving, caring person...I just didn’t realize that he had a whole different side to him, that got him locked up. He was hanging out with the wrong kind of people, he was robbing places, doing drugs, selling drugs...I still to this day don’t know why, he must have been fighting his own inner demons as well, and just putting on the big brother front whenever he saw me upset...”
A single tear rolls down my right cheek as I remember my brother, remembering all the time we never got to spend together. Doctor Li leans over and hands me a tissue, then continues.
"Well how about we move along to where a lot of your current issues lie. Let's start with your marriage to Mr. Robinson..."
Wiping my eyes with the tissue, I hold onto it in both hands.
“We met back in 2009, we were actually deliberately set up by a couple of mutual friends of ours. We had both recently come out of painful relationships, his first wife committed suicide and I had finally picked up the courage to leave my abusive boyfriend. So we were both in a bad place, and then when we met, something clicked and we just hit it off straight away...”
I let out an elongated sigh.
“We rushed into things too quickly, I think we were both just looking for the same thing, someone to be with...now that I think about it, I’m not even sure if we truly loved each other. But we got married within a couple of months, and then I fell pregnant with our son...”
The mere mention of Nick tugs at my heartstrings, I haven’t seen either of my kids since I first started working in VoW, I miss them so much.
“We went through a lot of pain and heartache together during our marriage...I had three miscarriages after Nick, and then finally...Chelsea came along. I miss them both so much...”
"I can tell you love your children a lot Stacy. Tell me, have you attempted at all to fight for custody? Also, why did your relationship with Mr. Robinson turn sour to the point of him being so verbally abusive of you?"
“I’m busy fighting for custody now...and I honestly don’t know why he has become such a horrid person, perhaps it’s because he’s been brainwashed by one of my colleagues. He used to be such a caring, loving man...he was even understanding when I filed for divorce, after I realized that he wasn’t the right one for me, when I realized that the true right one for me, was a woman...not a man. He was heartbroken of course, but he was still the kind, caring, supportive man that I married...”
"Do you ever wish to somehow fix the relationship between you and Mr. Robinson, at a friend level if nothing more, or do you feel it's gotten to the point where it would be hard to ever have him as a close part of your life again?"
“I don’t believe it would be possible to ever be friends with him...but at the end of the day, I still want to have a healthy relationship with him, for our children. I may be fighting for custody of our kids, but at the end of the day, I’m not going to not allow them to see their father. It’s a complicated one...to say the least...”
"Well then let's talk about your next relationship, and I will go ahead and just say I understand these are going to be the hardest questions because of what you told me you did recently. Talk to me about Tayla, how you two met, where you two sparked. From there explain to me the changes you experienced between you and her once Ms. Moicelle became close to you in your life."
I take a moment to collect myself and breathe.
“Before I joined the company I work for now, I was in another company before that for a brief time...not even a year. We went on tour to Canada...and I was out walking in Toronto, when I bumped into this homeless girl. I took pity on her, so I invited her back to my hotel room to get a shower, something to eat and just somewhere to stay for a while. I learned that she was a fan of mine and that she got kicked out of her parents house when she came out to them as being a lesbian...”
Once again, happier times make me smile, but it lasts for only a short amount of time.
“I decided to help her out by giving her a job as my manager...and then the more time we spent together, the closer we got...and then we got together as a couple. Again though, I moved too fast in the relationship and I proposed to her after a few months into the relationship...”
I choke a little, as the memories come flooding back to me, of times when I thought that Tayla was the right one for me, and how she threw it all in my face over jealousy.
“And then Katie came along, she was a sweet, kind, young girl with a big heart. She was brand new to wrestling, and with me being a six year veteran, and with me also knowing how it felt to be the new kid on the block, I approached her about training her, and she accepted...”
Wiping the tears away from my eyes with the tissue again, I continue.
“The more time I spent with Katie, training her...the more jealous of her, Tayla became. She was always nasty and rude to her, for no reason. And then she eventually decided to end our relationship and call off our engagement. At first, I had no idea that Katie liked me...and wanted to be more than just friends. And at first, I didn’t feel anything like that with her to begin with, she was my friend and my student...nothing more...”
Thinking about Katie, finally brings the smile back to my face.
“And then the more she was there for me during my time of need, my feelings for her began to grow and grow...and...quite honestly...I’ve never been so in love with anyone in my entire life, as I am with her...”
"Now with Katie, have you tried going a bit slower with her? Or has it come across at some points you may be trying to rush again in being with Katie for the long run? I of course don't question a person's course or time of action in relationships, but it is an obvious pattern that you have noticed yourself that you tend to go very quickly into these things."
“I’m trying to keep it going slow...and Katie seems to be fine with that. I do have plans to give her a promise ring for Christmas, because I do believe that she is definitely the one and one day I do want to marry her. But I don’t want to rush into it any time soon, I just want the relationship to play out on it’s own, see how things go with it...”
"Now we have just a short bit left in our session but if we go over I'll let it slide free of charge because of how cooperative you have been with me today. Now of course I also notice a big part of your life recently has been your closeness to the Storm family. Tell me, do they fill some type of gap that you may have once had something there, like with your brother or any other friends you have ever had, or do they bring a different sort of light to the dark situations? And because I seem to notice another pattern, do you know if Katie ever worries about how close you get with Tyler and his wife? I mean seeing how things with Tayla went for you, and even Matthew if it wasn't fully clear initially, it seems the pattern for your relationships stem around them ending or going sour because of another person entering your life and thus certain forms of jealousy set in."
“I guess perhaps I could say that Tyler kind of fills the gap my brother left, I mean...I do have my half-brother, but he tends to keep to himself a lot so I don’t really feel like I have that bond with him. And Zelda, I guess I could say she fills the gap that my best friend from high school left. But saying that, at the same time, they also bring something different, I don’t see them as replacements for people I’ve lost. And...as for Katie maybe becoming jealous of my relationship with Ty and Zel...in the past, whenever I got close to someone outside of my relationship, my partner tended to not be involved with them as much as I was. Katie, she’s as involved with Ty and Zel as I am...and that’s why I truly believe that she will never get jealous of my relationship with them, that’s what I’m hoping for at least anyway...I don’t ever want to get into a situation where I have to pick Katie over them, or vice versa...”
"Actually that does bring up an important question though, hypothetically speaking, what if you were indeed forced to pick between Katie or the Storms? Would you be capable of making a choice, and if so what would you go about in your mind to decide? The biggest thing about that is, would you be prepared to have one of them leave your life? Of course I am asking this as a hypothetical, from what I can tell you will never have to go through this problem with them, but because you even mentioned it then it is obvious you have some sort of mental state that actually has imagined this situation and I want to make sure you have the mentality to actually overcome a rough situation like this. Throughout this I'm going to present you with a lot of very difficult situations, and I'm going to try to walk you through how to go about it in the best way for you Stacy, so a situation like what happened very recently at your job doesn't come about again."
I lie there in silence for a good while, the thought of not having one or the other in my life pains me so much. After taking another deep breath in, I slowly exhale and finally decide on an answer.
“If I honestly had to pick one...as much as I don’t want too...I’d probably pick Katie over Ty and Zel. As much as I love both of them, and as much as I am forever in debt to them for everything they have done for me. I love Katie more, she is my girlfriend after all...”
Suddenly, I cover my mouth with my hands as I begin to weep at what I just said. I know it was just hypothetical, but even just pretending having to pick over the other, it fills me with so much guilt. Doctor Li places a hand on my shoulder and hands me another tissue.
"Saying that is extremely rough I know, but the fact of the matter is if you just lie to yourself and hold back how you really feel, you are going to be hurt more in the end. Me just having you answer that made you stronger than you even know right now, trust me. But I assure you, I don't see it ever actually happening to you, I can see from your information you gave me on them that they are extremely kind and willing to work with you through anything. And I am also sure if it came down to it, they would accept you leaving their lives if it made you the happiest."
Doctor Li affixes herself back to the chair and looks down at her watch.
"Well from what I can see we are all out of time, but before you go Stacy I want to give you a bit of a mental assignment, as I can see the start of a breakthrough but also see you need to have certain things happen so that you may go about this process properly. Sometime within these next few days, I want you to sit down with the Storms and actually tell them about your answer to that last question. Now before you get upset and refuse, I am going to say you being able to actually admit to them how that kind of situation would go is such an important step in letting that kind of thing release it's deadly weight so your mind will feel much happier. Plus as I said, if Tyler and Zelda are the kind of people you say they are, then they will understand and even share their own feelings. If they can't do that, then next meeting I'm going to talk to you about why they reacted a certain way."
I sit up on the couch and swing my legs around, placing my feet on the floor.
“Okay Doc...I’ll do my best...thank you”
Doctor Li stands up and smiles as she leads me over to the door.
"You are very welcome Stacy, I am so happy with how well you are taking all this. You do a lot better than most of my clients if that helps you feel a bit more positive. Feel free to give me a call if you have anything to talk about or are available to come in for your next appointment. My line is always open, no matter what."
I smile and nod before shaking her hand and then leaving her office. I make my way down the corridor and wave goodbye to the receptionist on my way out of the door. Looking left and then right, I quickly spot Ty’s car and descend down the concrete steps in front of me and then reach the car, opening the front door, I climb into the passenger seat and close the door behind me before buckling myself in.
"Well you seem very chilled out. I guess your appointment went well then Stace?"
“Yeah it did, there were a few tears here and there...actually, at some point before my next session, I need to sit down with both you and Zel and talk to you about something. Doctor Li says it’ll help with my recovery, so...yeah...”
"Oh is that so? Care to share right now with me? Considering Zelda's stress level needing to stay very low, I'm sure if I am already aware of what the conversation is I can help make sure she doesn't get upset at all."
Tyler begins to drive a little as he continues.
"I say that because I know these questions from these kinds of sessions can be pretty hard hitting, I've been through the therapy block many a time in my life."
Even now, I’m still feeling a little uneasy bringing this up, again, it fills my heart with so much guilt just thinking about it. I look down as my wrist begins to sting a little, I pull up the arm of my jacket and rub the scar when suddenly, I’m taken back to that night where I attempted to take my own life. I look at myself, sitting on the floor of my locker room, my cheeks stained black, tears pouring down my cheeks like waterfalls, and a razor blade in my right hand, mere centimetres away from my left wrist. I watch as I slice open my wrist, before doing the exact same thing to my left. All of sudden, I’m back in the car, but all of sudden, I feel a weird sensation coursing through my body, and then almost instantly, I lose all control of my body and begin to shake violently, my eyes rolling up into the back of my head. I’m still conscious, and aware of what’s going on around me, but I just can’t do anything about it. Suddenly, I feel the car coming to a quick stop, my body being moved into a flatter position and onto my side. After a moment, I begin to hear the faint voice of Tyler yelling at me.
"Stacy! Can you hear me? Stacy come on! I'm right here, it's okay, if you hear me just try to relax your mind, don't be scared just fight through it."
I suddenly feel some sort of medication being placed into my mouth gently.
"That is going to help with calming your blood flow, if you need me to call an ambulance, I need you to blink twice for me."
Managing to blink once, after a few moments, I blink a second time but this time, my eyes don’t open back up as everything goes black and I pass out.
