Post by Winter Pine on Mar 27, 2016 22:19:20 GMT -6
Fear and Failure...A Mental Battle
I can't help but just be stuck in my mind right now, not to better focus my inner thoughts but rather to escape the reality I see around me. Why I still feel the need to mentally get away from a life that is constantly improving, I really don't know. I can explain it time and time again, I'm not a person that can just be read that easily, and sadly that affects my own soul as well as when I want answers to my pain and decisions, I get absolutely nothing.
Winter can shake it off, she can just shrug away the stupid mental struggles and find new ways to continue on. Veronica...she is a different story, she always has been. It's funny how Winter isn't exactly an alternate persona, rather an explanation to my reasoning, but yet I as normal Veronica can't even say that for sure sometimes as when I look at how much my mind drifts outside of my domain with Winter and how much it drifts in almost every moment of my own personal life, the amount of difference there is incredible.
Maybe I'm just thinking into this too much, maybe my mind is just shaken by these changes I go through, good or bad. Maybe...but it never is for sure.
So Matthew and I made an executive decision to head to Windsor early and fly out Nick and Chelsea for them to see the show and have a little "family vacation." I think that's what you would call this, right? Anyways, it's an experience I look forward to. Ever since we reconciled in the best way possible which included our love and passion in this relationship increasing, I've began to feel a lot more in touch with my family side, something I've never really gotten to do in my life in a while. Hopefully, this little experience with my puppies and my guy will clear up my head on these scrambled thoughts I've had going on recently.
Currently, it's just Matthew and I, driving along the open highway towards our final destination in Matt's Mercedes Benz SLS AMG Roadster VATH. The man has class with his vehicles, I can dig it I guess, even though style hasn't really been a care for me ever in my life, but I digress. Matthew sits calmly in the driver's seat taking us along, and I'm just kind of sitting here...drowning in thought about what happened at Breakthrough.
Letting a win slip away from me like that, such a fucking rookie move, as if I needed something to lower my momentum going into a match where I plan to make that little bitch Stacy Jones bleed away in the middle of the ring. My confidence is feeling shaky after that loss, letting the mannequin lover raise her fucking cocky attitude going into a match with English. I should have been the one to remind her who the fuck The Orphanage is, instead I embarrass my family by getting caught like a defenseless puppy.
I spot Matt looking over to me out the corner of my eye before he then turns his attention back to the road, he can probably sense that I'm not feeling too good about things at the moment, he's good at being able to read me, probably another reason why I love him so much. A few more minutes pass, neither of us saying a word before the silence is broken by a small little cough coming from my King, and then he glances over to me for a second time.
"Is everything okay, babe?"
"Y-yeah...everything is chill. I think my neck is just hurting still is all."
I try turning my head away from Matt and leaning onto the seat, I just...really don't want to drag him into my mind right now. I've caused enough trouble in this man's life as it is, having my breakdowns get hold of him too would just make me feel worse than I already do.
"You know you can talk to me V...that's what I'm here for...you're my partner, you're the love of my life and I hate seeing you in pain. So seriously, if there is anything that is really bothering you...just tell me..."
"Matt...seriously, I'm fucking fine, just keep driving."
I can already feel tears falling down my face as I fight so hard to keep in the pain. I can't let him see me this way, suck it up Veronica! You may be a fucking screw up but you aren't some pansy little bitch...
"I'm not a bitch OK!"
Saying that as I shoot my look over to Matthew, I immediately go to fear as I realize I stupidly confused reality with my mind saying shit to me. Stupid fucking idiot! Now look at me, tears fucking rolling down my face while my man just sees how stupid I look.
"I'm s-s-sorry...can...can you pull over the car please Matthew?"
Without saying a word, he continues driving until we reach a lay-by where it's safe to pull over and he does. Bringing the car to a halt, he puts on the handbrake and switches the engine off before turning towards me, taking hold of my hand as he places his free hand onto the side of my cheek and turns my head so I'm facing him.
"Talk to me...what's wrong?"
"I...I...I can't Matthew, I'm going to look as pathetic as I did against fucking mannequin girl. I'm not dragging you into my petty mental breakdown, you go through enough of my shit already."
As much as I want to hold back, my body just gives in and I fall face first into Matthew's lap just balling my eyes out. What is fucking wrong with me these days, I went so many years without shedding a tear and around him I turn into a fucking sprinkler.
"Hey, hey, hey...come on now..."
Lifting my head back up, he now has his hands on both sides of my face as he wipes away my tears with his thumbs.
"You're not being pathetic...just tell me what's wrong...I love you and it kills me seeing you like this, I want to help...but I need to know what's wrong before I can do that."
What hurts so much is I barely even know what's wrong, I've never been so hurt by a fucking loss, losing momentum, it's never been a care for me. Why is that different now? Why is it I now feel the need to get upset?
"I fucked up at Breakthrough, I went out there and gave my heart but acted like a fucking rookie when it came to the end. I literally gave stupid Elskerinne the set up to slam me on my fucking neck and make me look like a fool. I've beaten Stacy, I've beaten her stupid fucking puppy dog, why the hell can't I win against the fucking mannequin girl who I KNOW I was better than."
I can feel myself shaking as I just stare into Matt's eyes, I feel so stuck in his gaze when I look at him. But...sometimes I see my own answers in his eyes. This time isn't much different...I see...
"Fear...but why...Matthew, am...am I afraid of Stacy?"
"I wish I could answer that for you V...I really wish I could. But you shouldn't take that loss against Elskerinne so badly...remember what you said to me when I was feeling down about losing to her? You can't win all the time...and that match with Elskerinne wasn't important...what's important is focusing on Nothing Else Matters and making that rotten tramp bleed. I believe in you V...you're going to do this...you're Main Eventing this Pay-Per-View and you're going to leave your mark on VoW AND on Stacy..."
"But...but..."
Why is my stomach feeling so...oh no. Before I can even catch myself, I puke all over Matthew's chest and lap while still shaking pretty bad and tears running down my face. As my stomach mixture stops flowing, I look up at Matt in shock and disappointment.
"M-Matthew I'm sorry I didn't mean it! It...no why am I such a fuck up why damn it?!? I'm a stupid, scared bitch...fuck my thoughts I just...Matthew please I'm so sorry."
"Relax...take it easy...you're getting yourself too worked up, okay...don't worry about me, I've got a change of clothes with me anyway."
As I move myself off of him, he pulls his T-shirt off and throws it into the back of his car and just sits there, looking at me.
"Everything is going to be okay...trust me..."
"But Matthew..."
My words trail away a bit seeing Matt's body...probably one of the most calming and loving sights I've had since we got back together. For being on an asexual track for a little over 2-3 years, having those moments with Matthew made me forget a lot of the haunting troubles. As I notice a little bit of my puke drained onto his chest, I decide to use the bottom of my own shirt to help wipe him off.
"I'm sorry baby. I...didn't know I had that much in me. I feel awful it had to all go on you."
"V...babe...I have two kids...I've had worse things than sick on me before..."
"Well...I hope you can forgive me my love...you...do know I love you a lot right Matthew?"
My cheeks begin to warm up and turn bright red as I lean in and kiss Matthew.
"I know I'm still getting used to what we have...but I really don't want to seem like I don't need my true love."
"Of course I know that you love me...I see it every time I look into those big, beautiful hazel eyes of yours..."
"Aww...um...you should really get out of those pants, it's probably soaked down to your underwear by now baby."
Alright Veronica, calm down...you don't have to get into Matt's pants every time. Even if he does look...so incredible...I find it funny I barely realize I'm still using my own shirt to wipe off Matthew as I pull back a little bit and see how had the bottom half of my dark blue tank-top looks now.
"I guess we both got a little messy huh?"
"Maybe we should find a hotel somewhere nearby and settle down for the rest of the day, we can pick up the journey first thing tomorrow morning...and it'll give you some time to clear your head too..."
"Are you sure? I know you really wanted to get to Windsor tonight, I don't want to mess up your plans hun."
I shyly look down a bit, away from Matthew's gaze.
"I'm still feeling a bit down for letting my head get filled with nonsense, I probably make Stacy look like a perfect fucking angel right now huh?"
"I don't mind waiting until tomorrow to get to Windsor, I care more about how you're feeling. And how can you even ask that kind of question? You're the only angel on this planet to me...well...you, Nick and Chels..."
"I'm OK with being second place to those cute puppies."
Smiling, I place a small kiss on Matt's cheek.
"I think I feel better to head on again. I just needed to get out the fear I guess. You really are amazing for caring so deeply for my own mind Matthew."
"I wouldn't be a very good King to my Queen if I didn't now, would I?"
Smirking a little, I lean in and kiss Matt once more as he finishes getting cleaned up and we begin making our way back down the road towards Windsor. This guy...he's everything to me...and I love him with all my heart. I feel a lot calmer now, but I know I need to keep my mind focused come the Pay-Per-View.
Serenity...the state of being calm...peaceful...untroubled. I've never once in my life enjoyed a moment of serenity, and that's all thanks to how my mind loves to delve into further depths, mixing up my sanity and making things more troubled...frantic...a war of emotion. It's a curse I live with, and I accept my mental undoing at times. I'm never going to be a perfect woman, I'm never going to just be able to enjoy every moment, and honestly that is OK. Because it keeps me aware of the world I live in, it makes me know things aren't always as they seem, and in fact could be much more dangerous than I ever anticipated. It awakens my deeper senses, allowing me to never truly die when I feel like my final breath is one small moment away.
It's just how I've come to live, it's how I intend to die, and it is how I intend to always...be...capable. Capable to grow, to evolve, toturn myself into the monster I know I can be and at time I really need to be. One of those times is Nothing Even Matters. I still don't know if I'm actually...fearing Stacy, and saying that just makes me more concerned that I would even consider that kind of thinking, but the truth is I don't know and that makes me question if I am meant to rise to victory this time. Could it be something meant to be for her, to take my blood and a win for her own pleasure and leaving me without the thing I crave the most, which is to decimate the poor soul of the little tramp that thinks she can.
Why let it be that easy though? Fate may be determined...but what isn't determined is what I am still capable of doing when everything is said and done. In fact...let me elaborate.
*RECORDING
"Let me talk a moment about failure and fear, two big F-words that can make a person shake more than hearing fuck spewed out from someone's mouth. Yes you see, failure and fear are something that even haunt the Big Bad Wolf, believe that to be true or not, that's up to you sweet children. At Breakthrough...I felt broken, idiotic for my inability to perform simple thought to prevent my loss to the little mannequin lover roaming around VoW now. It hurt a lot, and it caused me to question if I'm even capable of being the mental manipulator I try to be, and that questioning now may hurt my ability to be at full potential at Nothing Even Matters."
"Stacy, we go for round 2 this time around with the goal slightly different, but nothing new for what was expected to come out of this at some point was for blood to be a factor in who gains an advantage among all this bickering we love to have together my sweetheart. I can still taste the blood that spewed from your nose and face when I slammed you into the steel steps at Double Jeopardy, I still crave that taste in my mouth, the soft skin your red life force brought to me. I want...more. But, following the events of this past Breakthrough, I spoke with my mental beings and I begin to wonder...if maybe there is fear in me right now of you. Yes, shocking I know, you never could have imagined me saying those words Stacy, but the truth is I am afraid of what you are."
"But what exactly am I afraid of when it comes to you? Well...a lot of things. I fear your success, I fear you have the ability to be some kind of worthful competitor in this company, and seeing you finally win again at Breakthrough brought those fears up more. I fear you being able to make me bleed, because honestly I do think you can Stacy. I can almost already feel my face turning a dark crimson as you stand over me, and that is scary. I'm afraid of you being happy, of you going home and celebrating with your pathetic little puppy of a fiance, with the whore and my cherished lost friend, to hold onto that sweet soul that came from the hell that is the whore's body. You love that little girl, I can tell that clearly. But sweetie, she only represents what is wrong with you."
"Innocence...wanting to be a force of reason...to create a movement when you don't even realize you are the exact problem you claim to be against. Because face it Stacy...you still fear me too...you are still more negative than you have ever been. And that child you now get to be a godmother of...she's the closest thing you are ever going to get to being a real mother again. You care so much for that little soul, meanwhile the souls of your own have to turn to me...they are mine and you just can't accept that I have done more for them in a month than you have in 5 years. And that kills you inside and builds a fire in you. It makes you want to destroy me, but you can't even see what pain you could cause by doing so."
"Am I perfect, am I worth any more than your tramp self Stacy? No...in fact I am admitting that I am more flawed than you. But...your heart lies to your mind, you claim to care for so many yet can't even care for yourself and therefore...you lie. You lie to these people, you lie to every person you claim to represent, you lie to little Katie, to Tyler, to Zel Zel the super whore. You lie to them all and you know you do, yet...you can't stop. You just go further into your own madness, and drag all those beside you into the abyss where they rot. Stacy...I hope you make me bleed, but I also hope I break your dreams. I hope you give in to reality after all this is done, I hope you have...some kind of mental conscience that you should just be the real you and not this charade you parade around as."
"I want to make you bleed, but I can accept my fate if need be. For Stacy...I'm no longer afraid...fear is not something I have to care for anymore. I just pray that...it's not something I must instill in you for you to finally realize what you are. Prepare to face a war at Nothing Even Matters, prepare to waste away your last hope in this company to be relevant...a main event you wish never highlighted a damn thing! For me...any way it goes my dear...I shall enjoy the spoils as I lick away whatever blood pours in our match, and thus...poor Stacy...you lose again. You...will never...truly beat the Alpha of this company. Give up while you can, for once this ends...they shall all abandon the tramp of negativity."
And she will be banished...to the underworld to rot for eternity once this is over. She can't be saved now...she dove in too deep into the black unknown. My own fears may haunt me, my failure may consume my soul...but the little Damned-pire shale die covered in her own shame.
