Say hello to Mr Smashy Ace and Dustin

Oh that was so much fun I say as I find myself thinking back to my debut match against ol Mallory Beagle and a win to top it all just gives me the warm fuzziness and a smile on my face. Really how that match went down shows that the girls here should wear more than a sports bra on the top to cover our girls don’t you think? But a win on my debut is huge I can’t wait for another match. Thinking about it all day could be awesome but I have to focus.

Beatrice: Of course I do Betty how else do you expect me to think. Of course I think, SHUT UP BILLY, so rude.

I skip over to the table where I have my mp3 player set up and I press on random bringing up Dawn of the dead by The Murderdolls such an awesome track for my ear holes as I get back to work carving into this block of wood.



Beatrice: Of course I'm happy about my victory and I can’t wait for another this next week, but it’s gonna be hard work yes it is.

I pick up a hammer and a chisel and start working on my Mr Smashy.

Beatrice: Well of course it’s going to be, I'm going to be facing two tough strong men, what do you mean I enjoy that normally Betty you silly billy, IT’S A PHRASE BILLY SHUT UP NO ONE CARES!

I hum away with the music happily chipping away at the wood in front of me.

Beatrice: Well you know I'm not that sort of girl Betty honestly you make me sound like some sort of hussy like Stacy Jones. I know you weren’t calling me that Betty but it sort of sounded like that didn’t it. Yeah I know Betty I know you’re sorry but don’t let it happen again ok darling.

Chipping away at the wood I'm loving the way it’s turning out, this is so therapeutic.

Beatrice: Yeah I know I’ve said already facing two guys will be hard but you know if they are true gents they wouldn’t hurt little old me.

A smile spreads over my face and I flutter my eyelashes a little.

Beatrice: Well first of all there is Ace Watson, what did you say Betty you think he’s a hunk? Well you know what I'm just going to ignore you on that one. NO! I AM NOT BLIND! He is just not my type that’s all.

I get distracted for a moment as Star Trekkin by The Firm starts playing on my mp3 player.

Beatrice: BILLY DID YOU PUT THIS ON! God damn it stop doing that or I'm gonna, do nothing because you’re nothing but a voice. There’s Klingons on the starboard bow Jim DAMN IT, why does it have to be so catchy.

I carry on chipping away blowing some of the sawdust off the wood doing it slightly in time with the music.

Beatrice: Now where was I? Oh yes I know its Ace Wobblyson I mean Watson. Well what has he really done lately is what I ask, I mean yawl hear he got his head kicked in by Robinson and all I know since his return is he got his ass kicked by Triston Ambrose whoever that fella is.

Humming to the music a bit more I chip away a little more and stare at my work for a moment to see how it’s going.

Beatrice: Well I know people can have some bad luck but the way I see it is I think he will be another one of my victims yes I do and you can bet on that one little miss doubty Betty. What do you mean unpredictable? Bitch please not even Einstein and Freud could predict me when I'm in that ring, or out that ring, or down the market shopping for sprouts and custard that Ace has nothing on me.

Brushing my hair back and wiping a little bit of sweat from my brow I blow off some more of the sawdust and sweep my hand over also to get a little bit that’s stuck in the groove I’ve made.

Beatrice: I know he’s been all over the world SHUT UP BILLY! Yes I know this but I have been all over Texas and that’s just as impressive in my book yes sir. In the end I will have him begging for the end as much as Hillary Clinton begs for votes because she has a vagina.

I put down the hammer and chisel and pick up a electric drill placing it at the centre of the wood and start to bore in a hole for a moment till I'm happy with it which is when I fill it with glue and stick in a big stick I prepared earlier.

Beatrice: Oh the other guy I forgot about him, the Psychopath Dustin Holt. Yeah I know Betty I should get him done for copyright, what he doesn’t even have multiple voices in his head and he calls himself a psychopath? So much disappoint yawl.

I try and move Mr Smashy but I feel the handle move a little so I leave it to set a little longer.

Beatrice: Oh he has multiple personalities do tell me more. Inmate 31 well that’s not very creative is it Betty, at least you two have proper names I didn’t just call you voice number one and two YES I KNOW BILLY PLEASE BE QUIET!

I place Mr Smashy snugly on the stand and go over to the other table grabbing my water taking a swig of it before turning back to it.

Beatrice: Well let’s take a look at what he has done lately shall we.

I move my hands like I am holding a newspaper and open it up in front of me.

Beatrice: Let’s see what has he done, oh he was in a fatal four way on the pay per view pre show well whoop I should worry about this one should I people, please from the looks of things the winner King was the only winner because he was the only one that tried.

I put the invisible newspaper back on the table and walk back over too Mr Smashy and pick him up the glue keeping everything in place.

Beatrice: Oooohhh I think this puppy is ready for a test run don’t you?

I walk over to the table that has a couple of watermelons on it, one with Ace Watsons face on it and the other with Dustin Holts.

Beatrice: Well looky here it’s almost like this was planned out or something. YES I KNOW IT WAS BILLY SHUT UP! Well someone ruined the joke.

I let out a sigh and stare at the first watermelon.

Beatrice: Now Acey boy here is a preview of what you are gonna get from me at Breakthrough now don’t worry I won’t be doing this to your head or at least the one on your shoulders.

I smile before bringing the makeshift mallet down onto the watermelon with a smash spraying juice and watermelon pieces all over the place covering me head to toe also but I don’t let it bother me as I go onto the next one.

Beatrice: And now Dustin oh it’s a shame I will have to do this to you, I think you’re kind of cute for a guy you really are but you’re no psychopath baby boy compared to me you’re just a Halloween costume.

I lift Mr Smashy up and bring him down once again on the other watermelon spraying even more of it all over the place and splattering all over my dress making it stick to me a little.

Beatrice: What do you mean we are giving the people at home a good show here with my sexiness? Wait what, when did I do that?

I turn around and see the camera that has been there the whole time, when did I set that up?

Beatrice: When did I set that up? Seriously I don’t remember that? What do you mean earlier on just before I turned my music on? Oh darn is oh well I guess I will cater to the watermelon fetishists out there.

I strut over with Mr Smashy in my hands draped over my shoulders before reaching the camera I place the head on the floor and dance sexy around the handle a little bit picking a bit of watermelon out of my cleavage and eating it.

Beatrice: Mmmmm yummy in my tummy. Anyway yawl I guess I better introduce you to a friend of mine in Mr Smashy.

I lift it up showing a homemade mallet that’s about as big as me with words carved on the face of it saying “Your Face Here”



Beatrice: He’s great isn’t he? I knew yawl would love him a lot and I know Dustin and Ace will get to know him more on a more personal basis soon enough. Triple threat matches are no DQ boys and you two being two big tough men little old me needed an equaliser and Mr Smashy is it.

I prop it on my shoulder twirling it like an umbrella.

Beatrice: Well yawl I gotta go I need to wash this watermelon off me and no you silly little perverts you can’t watch without paying one hundred dollars for the privilege, or not at all as Betty is telling me.

I smile at the camera for a moment and put Mr Smashy on the ground.

Beatrice: Remember everyone life is a cosmic joke especially you Ace and Dustin, if you don’t remember that you don’t laugh and if you don’t laugh you go crazy so toodles, bye-bye, laters, gtg as the kids say and goodnight.

I skip forwards and switch off the camera  with a smile on my face before realising how covered I am in watermelon, I'm going to be washing this out of me for a week I can tell.