Losing the Game

She's twisted like a rope, that is wrapped around her throat,
but the worst part of all is she really don't give a...

Effort. We see it as an ethic to be admired but don't really reward it. It's a reflection of interest; in a person, a thing, a situation. And when one puts in their fullest effort and still comes out without much to boast about, that interest begins to wane. Because while we have childrens' coaches giving everyone a medal, instructors teaching "everyone is a winner", and parents telling their kids that they can do anything and succeed no matter the circumstances... we forget that failure is a cold reality. And as they get older, these kiddies are gettin' frostbite.

To fail is not to deprived of everything. It's seen as a negative because we, as a society, have painted it as such. Which is why we tell people the above statements. Fact is, not everyone is a winner (in games or, to be 'deep', in life), but that doesn't make you a loser. Because in loss, one can gain more than even the victors. With loss... comes knowledge.

What people don't understand is that losing is not the end. You don't just quit your job because of a fuck up. You don't just shut the door on your dreams because someone did 'better' or didn't make the same mistakes. Be wise enough to understand that life goes on. Be patient enough to let the cards fall where they may. And be courageous enough to take a chance, make a bet, or even go all in...





We've had this discussion time and time again. The sides stay the same. The opinions never change. It becomes a screaming match... sometimes it even gets physical. And as always... the in between... is your's truly.

Now I'd once said that, well, life is shitty. But there's some pretty damn exquisite moments of beauty peppered in there. Our problem with this is... a lot of the times the bad outweighs the good. Am I the most optimistic piece a' trash you'll ever meet? Abso-fuckin'-lutely. But I'm not ignorant. And also... unlike how some people (-cough- the Horsewomen) act... I realize that I'm undoubtedly, imperfectly, frustratingly... human.

And let's be honest... humanity zeroes in on the negativity. We let it consume us. Maybe our species is masochistic. Maybe we crave attention that comes from the harshness of life. People sooner wish you well and offer their time and energy when you're at your lowest. May it be jealousy or them thinking you don't need a friend because you're well off. It's nonsensical but it's true.

So as I was sitting there, listening to these two go on and on... again... for the third goddamn time this past week... I could feel the anger bubbling... nearly boiling over. My fists tightened on the steering wheel I held, knuckles turning as white as the cloudy Chicago sky. There was a method of controlling your anger I'd learned recently... breathe in through your nose, out through your mouth... or was it the other way around? One of these had to work... though I'm definitely more of a mouth breather. Oh god, now I couldn't even breathe properly. What if I stop?! I don't wanna die on the highway in this dreary city! The people here are jerks who'd prolly leave my corpse on the shoulder! Oh, speaking of jerks, this asshole decides to cut me off at the last fucking minute. Maybe I wouldn't have nearly gotten into an accident if-

"-you weren't fucking screaming in my ears!!!"

My shrill voice nearly seemed to echo throughout the small vehicle we'd all tucked ourselves into. My two companions immediately halted their argument to look at me in confusion. Why they were confused baffles me. "D-did you have t-to yell?"

My sharpened eyes snapped right over to JB, who sat in the passenger side and eyeballed me coldly. My other friend, Thea, chilled in the back with a grouchy look playing on her face. Her dark hair fell slightly over her eyes as she stared downward, hands folded in her black pants. She also donned a worn ACDC shirt and her usual dark, over-zippered jacket. Of course JB was her polar opposite in pastel colors, jeggings and a blouse with a light jacket atop. Funnily enough, the way they were acting they might as well just wear ball-gags and handcuffs... maybe then they'd shut up and stop fighting.

"It could also be fun for me..." I murmured to myself, imagining this for a moment before remembering that I was supposed to be scolding these two.

With a loud, dramatic sigh I straightened in my seat and (with one hand) tugged at the shirt (saying: "I'm Going to Hell in Every Religion") that I was wearing. I was never any good at this whole... confrontation... thing. I'd actually been pretty nervous when Tyler Storm had called me down at the last event. Luckily that went quite well and we made a mutually beneficial plan while being respectable and polite (something rarely seen in this business anymore).

That was an entirely different kind of confrontation though. And while it may seem easier to confront people you know... it's actually quite hard, because there's a shitload of emotion there and some things might just hang in the balance. So it took me a moment to properly speak to these two troublemakers...

"I've been sick." I mumbled softly before shaking my head. No no. I wasn't gonna make this confrontation about me. I'd caught the flu that'd been going around lately (especially around the midwest because #craycrayweather) and it'd affected my performance. Not that I didn't put up a fight, and Constance definitely schooled me (and might have even at my best health because uh, it's Constance fuckin' Chapin???). I just... made the mistake of trying to act the hero when I've said over and over that I wasn't one. "Dammit..."

"Look, I know what you're gonna say, E." Thea suddenly piped up, flipping that hair out of her sexy face, "And I get it. We messed up. We shouldn't have acted that way during your m-"

"B-bugger off. D-don't speak for me." JB growled from the front, causing Sweet T to nearly snarl in aggravation. "I d-did nothing wrong. You were th-the one who d-decided to g-get in my face about my opinion on-"

"On how she should do her job???" Thea snapped right back, "Or rather, how she should play the aggressor and be a total bitch. Because that's totally how she wants to be portrayed in front of the fans."

"It is b-better than being p-portrayed as a c-coward o-or weak!" Came the smaller blonde's response, her stuttering getting worse with her emotion. The fire was on high and this pot was boiling...

"It's more like being intelligent and taking care of her own fucking well being you self-deluded little-"

"Oh name c-calling, b-because that's 'intelligent'."

"You know what isn't intelligent? Trying to change someone you supposedly 'love'. Not that I even think you're capable of that word."

Oh boy...

Now JB twisted in her chair, locking icy eyes with ones of fire, "Y-you h-have n-no r-right..."

"To what? Call you out on your bullshit?" Thea scoffed and crossed her arms, putting on the most mockingly sarcastic tone, "Let me guess, you act like this because you've had a rocky past. Mommy and daddy didn't wuv you enough? Or is it because you think you're being 'edgy'? Being 'bad' is cool right? Causing trouble... stirring the pot... you'd probably fit in pretty well with the ChaosSworn c*nts if it wasn't for your shitty acting."

"Y-you d-don't know a-anything a-abou..."

"I know you treat E like you don't give even half a fuck about her even after she's basically proven that she'd die for you, you selfish, heartless bitch."

SCREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEECH!!!

I suddenly veered off to the shoulder, causing several cars to honk loudly at me, before I swiftly parked the car and unbuckled my seatbelt. Without a word, I got out of the car and slammed the door. Confused, both my companions followed... only to realize that maybe they fucking shouldn't have.

SLAP!

Thea's head snapped to the side after my palm met her cheek. She stood there, still as a statue, as I spoke in an eerily calm tone... "That... is unnecessary. That damn insult alone tells me exactly how childish you can get."

Funny words coming from me, right? Thea was silent, but JB seemed to agree as a slightly bemused look crossed her soft features. That's when I slowly turned to her, "And you... really are kind of a bitch. You try to tell me to do things you know I don't like. You try to convince me to become that shitty person that I used to be and-"

"You're p-plastic." These words seemed to float there in the air, slowly absorbing... until I finally replied quietly.

"I've already admitted that. But I'm trying to tear that plastic away-"

"If y-you were, then you would have the same opinions and in-intentions as I d-"

"You and I are nothing alike, JB." I smiled slightly now, weakly, trying to keep my cool, "That's what made us so compatible in the first place, y'know?"

"Opposites at-attract. But how l-long will that l-last? It isn't ch-cheap to stand up f-for yourself and d-do what everyone else-"

"I'm not everyone else! That's the point!" I cried, throwing my arms up. This was getting old. This same conversation. This same argument. This same... aggravation. It was constant. And once someone starts continuously spouting off about the same shit, despite knowing it wouldn't change your mind... well, you start to not even want to be around them.

"I know th-that b-but..."

"No. You're becoming a thorn in my side, JB." The look on her face made my stomach twist into knots. This... this was why I hate confrontation. "I think you need to stay away from my matches for a bit. Considering who I'm facing this week in particular? I don't need the distraction. I don't need the drama. And I don't need you to keep making me feel like I can't be who I want to. It's my decision. Not your's. Not Thea's. No one else's. I'm just someone trying to put smiles on faces and am making a paycheck off of it. I don't need you to try and complicate that."

I felt dirty. Maybe that was one of the biggest distinctions between myself and people like Joanna Thade. She was stronger... or was it, she didn't exactly 'pull punches' as it were. It wasn't through fear, concern... it wasn't because I didn't wanna hurt her feelings. A part of me wanted to hurt JB in... in many ways. But words... coming from someone you care deeply for... can hurt far more than any wound...

"Okay."

"What-" Before I could even react, JB suddenly snatched up my keys and whipped open the front door of our car. Both Thea and myself started toward it, but we were further from it and she was really fucking fast (it's always the fun-sized ones...). Before we knew it, the two of us were left in the dust of the rental I paid for as my firecracker of a pet disappeared out of sight...

"Well... fuck."

"Nice going. You didn't have to be so mean." Thea murmured and I glowered over my shoulder at her. But the glare faded to an exasperated one as I saw my friend unable to meet my eyes. So I tried to come back...

"Joking despite having your feelings hurt? How stubborn."

"My cheek hurts more than my feelings."

"Yeah sorry 'bout that. I just..."

"Yeah."

Sheepishly scratching my cheek, I shoved my hands into the pockets of my jeans and stared out toward the ongoing road. "Guess we're walking."

"Yeah."

And so we did. I know, this was an incredibly exciting day. But don't worry... it gets even more uninteresting! Because for nearly half an hour we legitimately walked in total silence! Yay! Of course, I had to use all of my phone's data up just to use mapquest to figure out where the heck we were. And it didn't help that cars kept blaring their horns despite us being a few feet away from the road. Once we made it to a street that was, at least, slightly less busy... I finally broke that awkward silence.

"T... I..."

"Good artist." She smiled cheekily at me before throwing up her arms and locking her wrists behind her head lazily, "Don't worry about it. I understand why. Things are just getting so... tense. And kind of scary, honestly."

"You two clash a lot..." I kicked at a rock as we strolled, continuing to toe it along with us, "Lack of harmony breeds disorder, naturally."

"Aren't you a fan of 'disorder', E?"

"Not when it upsets the people I care most about." My response made Thea's small grin widen as she gently nudged my shoulder.

"See? You're too nice to listen to-"

"No, T... I'm really not." I cut her off with a slight frown, before quietly pulling out my phone. Thea offered me a questioning look but I held up a finger and pulled up some software I'd downloaded. When I tested it in certain people's dressing rooms at the last event, it seemed to work pretty well... so let's try here and now.

"I don't... have much to say. But I wanna clear some things up with my opponent of the week."

"... uh... and why now? What even made you think to-"

"The truth."

T-Ball blinked at me as I handed over my phone and kept walking forward, eyes ahead. My mood was right. And what better time? After a moment or two, Thea let me know she'd started the recording...

"Let's get this perfectly clear. No hidden meanings, no metaphors or similes. I know... we both love that shit. Being all cryptic and dramatic for show." I glanced toward the camera with a skeptical look, "Oh sorry, you aren't like that right? Because all your weird-ass, try-hard, golden apple bullshit is totally just you being you..."

Thea snorted as I continued casually, "Fact is, you and I are a lot alike Joanna. Yes, all those listening! I'm facing 'war'! Because ripping off that part of the bible has neeever been done before. But I digress."

"Yikes."

"Am I being mean? Shit, I guess that means I've torn off that veil I like to wear. I'm not in the greatest of moods if you can't tell, JoJo." I stuck out my lower lip in a slight pout, "Trouble in paradise. You understand."

"Well... at least we didn't have to throw a match together so thousands upon thousands of people can witness our own personal business. Working things out behind the scenes, in private, is soooo not 'edgy'."

"Shhh, don't let people know that. You'll make her lose the game she's playing!" I hissed mockingly, passing over a crosswalk. A mother pushing a stroller peered at the two of us as we went by, and I kept my distance and kept on, "Quite frankly, I said once before that my reason is... at least this time around... to take a path rarely embarked on, but never forgotten. Legends don't die, sweet thang. That's what I intend to prove to you. Not for the fans, not for my friends. But for me."

"Which is what you should do..." I ignored Sweet T as the wind blew my hair wildly around my face. After a moment, I glanced toward the camera and kept a calm stare, as an easy smile soon played upon my lips.

"Anywho... real talk. I don't know you, Joanna. You definitely don't know me. We can make assumptions about one another and attack each other for our discrepancies and flaws and masks that we both tend to wear... heh. But there's no better way to get to know someone than to step into the ring with them. I have so much to say... but right now? I can't afford to say it. And I won't waste my words when, at the moment, others deserve them more. So I'll say this: do you enjoy the game you little girls are playing? Are you having fun? Because I love fun, Joey baby. And for our dreams to live long, for Elskerinne to live long? I'll have to take a dip in the pool of chaos that's been foolishly attempting to 'drown' us all."

With that, I gestured for her to turn it off. Thea did so, but wouldn't meet my eyes again for some reason. But we'd work through that later. We needed to get back, so I kept my steady stride. The smile stayed on my face despite the fact that I was a bit chilly, a bit irritated, and a bit frazzled. I believed that Joanna and I had much more to say to one another. But for now, I'd decided to keep it short and simple. Easy for her to understand. My fists would do the rest of my talking. The grin twisted into a rather dark smirk at the mere thought. Even if I lost this match, I'd garner quite a bit of leverage. More than she'd ever understand. Because in loss... there's a lot for me to gain.

In loss... no matter the game... I still win.