Post by Deleted on May 19, 2016 19:25:06 GMT -6
I’m feeling a mixture of emotions right now if I’m going to be honest. I’m looking forward to finally seeing Katie again after so long, but at the same time, I’m dreading whether this will end badly or not.
With her blocking me on Twitter, I have no idea how she’s feeling right now. I have no idea if she still loves me, I have no idea if she has any intention of wanting to get back with me or not.
For all I know, maybe the only reason why she agreed to meet up with me today to talk, is because it gives her the opportunity to say goodbye to me forever.
So I’m sitting in one of my favorite coffee shops here in my hometown of New York City, at The Smile Newsstand. This place doesn’t see nearly the kind of customer volume that some of the nearby Tribeca coffe shops do, yet it still has the best coffee available in the neighbourhood, at least in my opinion anyway.
Dressed in a pair of black high heeled leather boots, a pair of skin tight black leather trousers, a black Metallica Death Magnetic T-shirt, a black leather jacket and a plain black woollen hat, I stare at my engagement ring whilst playing with it, twisting it over my finger, lost in my own little world.
Suddenly, my attention is diverted when the barista appears with a cappuccino for me and I also ordered Katie a Pepsi. She sets them down on the table as I nod, smiling before she heads back over to the counter to serve other customers. I take a small sip from my frothy beverage when I suddenly spot Katie standing there, dressed in a pair of light brown leather boots, a pair of light blue tight fitting jeans, a plain cream woolly turtle-neck and a light brown leather jacket.
“Katie? You came?”
I stand to my feet and open my arms for an embrace, however Katie folds her arms and refuses to make any kind of eye contact with me, signalling that she doesn’t want a hug. As much as it pains me, I lower my arms and slowly re-take my seat before pointing to the seat in front of me.
“Please, take a seat...I ordered you a Pepsi...”
"I noticed, thank you."
Katie's voice is noticeably more subdued, making her sound even more soft spoken than I remember her being.
"So...why am I here?"
She says as she takes the free seat opposite me, picking the cup of her favourite drink up to her lips and taking a sip.
“Because you want to hear what I have to say, hopefully?”
Katie gestures with her right hand, as if to say "lay it on me." Her beautiful face hasn't changed from this neutral, seemingly apathetic look.
“Okay, here goes. You were right...about how I’ve been so Hell bent on wanting to destroy Winter that I’ve become blind to the possible consequences as a result...”
Taking another sip of my cappuccino, I place the hot cup back down onto the table.
“What happened at Breakthrough could have been avoided, I know...if I had just kept my anger at bay, we wouldn’t be in this situation right now. But I swear to you, Katie...it wasn’t intentional...”
The look in her eyes tells me she’s still not fully convinced.
“I know it seemed like I didn’t show any kind of remorse at all, but that’s because I was in complete and utter shock. I couldn’t believe I had just struck the woman that I love with all of my heart in the head with a metal pipe. That moment continues to play over and over in my head and I swear, if I could go back in time and change things, I would...but I can’t.”
I slide my arm forward and take her hand in both of mine, whether she wants me to or not, I just want to hold her again.
“I am so sorry, Katie. I love you more than anything in the world, and I just want to have you back in my arms again. Please...come back home, we can work through this...together.”
Katie takes a moment to think my words over. Hopefully I got something...anything through to her?
"Stacy...do you think I was leading you wrong about Winter? Because that's--that's the vibe I'm getting. But, you know, I can look past all of that, I really can. That was a spat that got out of control, and I feel like we...you...got that all out with our match."
Katie's eyebrows raise for a split second, right when she said "you."
"But...what happened after that match...I legitimately needed medicine. I felt like I couldn't trust anyone. I'm sure you felt the same, honestly, and I'm sorry for being that hard on you. As a whole, I stand by my actions, but I probably shouldn't have come down that hard on you..."
“And I’m so sorry that the outcome of that mistake resulted in you having to take medication. The last thing I would ever want to do to you is hurt you...I love you. I love you so fucking much, I--I don’t know how to live my life without you anymore. You’re my Harley Q...I need you, Katie. Please...come home with me...”
Now taking both her hands in mine, I stroke them with my thumbs, looking deep into her eyes as I plead for her to come back to me.
"You need someone, that's for sure. Stacy...I'm glad we're at least on speaking terms, really, I am, because I don't want to...I don't want to lose our connection. I wouldn't be here if that weren't the case."
She lightly chuckles after saying that, probably trying not to break into tears like usual.
"But, right now, Stacy...I'm not...not ready to, uh...be intimate. It took five people to convince me to even be here."
My heart sinks hearing those words come from her as I manage to hold back my tears, nodding slightly as I slowly release my hold on her hands and slide my arms back towards me, folding them.
“D-Do you think...things will ever be the same between us again? O-Or is this the end?”
"No, no...this isn't the end. There's always that possibility that things could return back to nor--back to how they were. Right now...just...just isn't that time. I'm really, truly sorry..."
I can tell that Katie is feeling the same thing I am right now.
“Okay, I-I’m going to be honest and say that I was hoping for a different outcome from this...however, w-with that said...I understand and respect that you need time. When you’re ready, I’ll be waiting for you...and I don’t care how long it takes, I will always wait for you...no matter what...”
With that, I finish off my cappuccino and stand to my feet before making a swift exit from the coffee shop before Katie has the chance to see me burst into tears.
Some would probably think that I should at least be somewhat happy that Katie herself, said that things weren’t over for good between us. And honestly, of course I’m happy about that, maybe I’m being too selfish wanting her back right now. But I just can’t deal with not having her by my side, in my arms, lying beside me in bed.
There’s a reason why I love her so much, many reasons in fact. I just can’t see me being with anyone else, and I can’t see myself being without her, ever.
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I feel like I want to burst out crying again. I didn’t want Katie to turn around and tell me that she wanted to take a break, I wanted her to come back home with me where she belongs.
But, I must respect her wishes and if she doesn’t feel ready to come back to me and get back to our relationship, then that’s what I must do. And I will do that, as much as it still upsets me more than anything.
Hopefully, she won’t need too long of a break, because I just can’t imagine being without her any longer.
I enter through the front door to my house, taking my jacket off and hanging it up on the coat rail before entering the lounge where I find Tyler sitting on the sofa with the television remote in hand, his free arm over the shoulder of Zelda who is in the middle of feeding Elena a bottle.
They both look up to me as I slump down into the armchair and then pull my boots off of my feet. Lifting my legs up onto the couch, I bury my face into my thighs, wrapping my arms around my legs and I begin to sob lightly, not saying a word to either of my friends.
Looking at me with a bit of concern, and following Tyler nodding and taking hold of Elena, Zel gets up and scoots her way next to me as she rubs my head gently.
"Hey, what's got you so down buttercup?"
Lifting my head up to look at her, tears are streaming down my face.
“I don’t even know myself, Zel. I was hoping that I’d be coming back home with her...she said that we will one day be back together, but she needs space right now...”
Sniffing hard, I wipe my tears away and look deep into the eyes of my bestie.
“A-Am I being selfish, Zel? A-Am I being selfish for wanting her back right now? I-Is it too much to ask to have the love of my life back in my arms right now? I miss her so much, Zel! I miss her...so...damn much!”
I bury my head into her chest and once again, burst into tears as she wraps her arms around me and lightly rubs my back.
"Sweetheart, that is nowhere near selfish. It shows the genuine care you have for her, and if you keep showing that love, eventually she will be back."
"Zel's right, Stace. I mean...honestly it really sucks seeing you go through this, but at the end of the day, given the situation Katie has been put through because of Winter tormenting you, it's understandable why it may just finally be getting to her along with many other things."
Elena makes a couple of goos, which causes Tyler to smile as he cradles her.
"Very good note there, you little snuggle bug."
I can’t help but let out a little chuckle as I break away from Zel, looking over to Elena. Rising up from the chair, I make my way over to the couch and sit beside Tyler as Zel retakes her original seat the other side of him.
“You always know the right things to say...all three of you...”
Stroking Elena’s tiny hand with my index finger, she wraps her tiny fingers around it and looks at me.
“I’m sorry Aunty Stacy hasn’t been very pleasant to be around lately...and I’m sorry you haven’t seen Aunty Katie in a long time. But I promise everything will be back to normal soon, my little princess...”
Elena lets out a couple of little grunts as she pulls a bit on my finger, enough to get it on her mouth as she begins sucking on it. Zel giggles as she rubs Elena's stomach.
"I think you just care about getting everyone back so you can have all the attention."
"That wouldn't surprise me. But deep down, I bet she really misses everyone being happy. We have all been through enough crap recently, haven't we?"
“Yeah, we have...hopefully once Fate of the Gods is out of the way, I can finally put this crap with Winter behind me and everything will be back to normal. I just want to live my life without any heartache for once...”
"Well, regardless of how things end, you know we are still going to be a strong family after all this. All this torment is just a test of our hearts."
“A family forever...”
I smile at both Ty and Zel who reciprocate with their own. Letting out a long yawn, I stretch my arms up into the air.
“Well guys, I’m tired, so I’m going to head to bed...”
Leaning forward, I softly kiss Elena on the forehead.
“Goodnight little cutie...”
I then get to my feet and give both Ty and Zel a hug each too.
“Night guys...thanks for putting up with me during this period...”
"Goodnight Stace."
"Goodnight hun. If you need me again tonight, feel free to ask. Just don't forget to smile sweetie, okay?"
“I think I’ll be okay tonight, thanks...”
Zel nods to me, smiling before I turn away from them and begin to make my way upstairs to bed.
I’m so glad to at least still have my friends around to help me through this tough time. Having the likes of Ty and Zel right here for me in person, and having so many others just a phone call away such as Kelsey, Zahara, Taryn, Val and Matt, it makes me feel truly blessed.
Speaking of Matt, I really need to get in touch with him and try to meet up with him to check to see how he’s doing. I know that he’s not the same Matt Slater that we all know and love, he’s been that way since Cera passed away.
And I need to try and get him to open up to me instead of bottling up his feelings before something goes wrong.
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So it’s been a few days since my ‘not so bad yet not so good’ meet up with Katie as well as my conversation with Ty and Zel about it. And even though I’m still feeling really upset over the fact that our relationship isn’t back on track, I felt it was time to do something that I’ve been meaning to do for a long time now and that’s help out a friend of mine.
The friend I’m referring too is of course, Matt Slater. I can’t really speak for anyone else, but I can see right through his façade whenever he’s being all flirty and stuff with us on social media. I know that deep down, he’s still hurting over what happened to Cera.
I know that he blames himself for what happened to her. I know he wishes that he could have done more, and that if he did do more, she would still be alive today. I’m not expecting him to open up completely to me, but I know from experience that keeping your emotions bottled up inside of you isn’t good for your health.
So here I am, dressed in a pair of black high heeled stilettos, a pair of dark blue tight fitting denim jeans, a plain black strap tank top and a black cap with ‘NY’ written on the front in white, however I’ve got it on backwards as I prefer it that way.
I’m standing outside of the hotel room that Matt is staying in, room 243 to be exact. My attention is distracted slightly as I spot a young couple exit their own room a few doors down, holding each others hands and giggling away, which makes me feel rather sad that my relationship with Katie is on the rocks.
Finally focusing my attention back onto the task at hand, I raise my fist up to the door and knock at it three times, standing back a little whilst awaiting it to be answered. The door opens swiftly, yet calmly and there he stands, who acknowledges me with a suave smile.
"Well, hello there..."
He says this in a seductive, playful manner, hoping I know he's just joking around. I giggle a little, probably the first time I’ve done that since this whole mess with Katie happened.
“Hello there, yourself...may I come in?”
"You wouldn't be here if you didn't want to.”
He chuckles, letting me into the room as he does. I enter, and he closes the door behind us.
“So...been up to much?”
Walking over to the lounge area, I reach into my pocket and take out my electronic cigarette before sitting down on one of the sofas.
“Well, I met up with Katie a few days ago to talk things over...”
Lifting the e-cig up to show him, I look over to him as he walks over to the armchair adjacent to the sofa and takes a seat himself.
“Mind if I use this here?”
Funnily enough, Matt reaches into his own pocket and pulls out his own e-cig.
"I won't complain."
Slater vapes as I do too, both of us slowly exhaling as the vapor dances up towards the ceiling before slowly dissipating.
"So, how did your meeting with Katie go?"
My expression turns solemn as I look down to the floor, I wish I was able to give him good news, but unfortunately that’s not the case.
“She wants to take a break...she still doesn’t completely trust me after what went down at Breakthrough. It was so great to see her beautiful, angelic face again...but watching her leave again, it just...killed me inside...”
I feel the tears forming in the corner of my eyes, which I quickly wipe away. I’m not going to turn this chat into all about me, this is about how Matt is coping, not me. He understands this situation and leans forward, patting my knee with his hand.
"Hey...listen. That's not a bad thing. It means it isn't completely over. And honestly...I have a feeling she still loves you. I mean...I can see why."
He offers a warm smile and a comforting wink, which causes me to smile back at him.
“Thanks, Matt. But anyway, enough about me...how are you?”
"Me? I'm doing good."
He nods repeatedly in an attempt to convey his point.
"Not great but...so far so good, right? Nothing's gone wrong...apart from Elskerinne being a bitch, but that's okay. That's alright. I've dealt with stuff like that a lot."
Resting my hand on his knee, I look right into his eyes and I can see the pain he’s keeping bottled up inside and it breaks my heart.
“Listen, honey...I’m not stupid...I know deep down you’re in pain. I know that how you’ve been acting on Twitter is just a front to hide what you’re going through. I came here today because I want you to know that you can open up...it’s not healthy for you to keep all of your emotions bottled up inside, I should know...”
There is a long silence between the two, neither breaking eye contact, until Matt eventually does. With a sniff of his nose, he calmly stands up from the chair, only to adjust himself and sit back down. Then he resumes looking at me before he gazes at his e-cig and puts it to the side.
"You're not stupid. I know that. I also know that that's the reason why you came here before you told me point blank. So how have I been? Let's start with frustrated. I'm frustrated because I haven't had sex in nearly a year. I'm frustrated because some of my T-shirts no longer fit. I'm frustrated because the coffee I got this morning cost me two dollars more than it normally would. I'm frustrated because people on Twitter remind me of things I don't have. And I'm frustrated at people who attempt to be my psychologist."
Before I can defend myself, he puts his hand up.
"But that's...that's okay. You've been through this shit before, right? You know ALL about this. The depression, the constant interruptions about how you've been, how you're feeling, what you can and can't do when all you want to do is slam that whiskey down, smoke that cigarette and try and be normal for a change. So you know what I'm going through...especially when it comes to people who accuse me of abandoning my son, because...OF COURSE I would."
He chuckles to himself, his coping mechanism deploying extra power to keep him stable.
"But what frustrates me more than anything is that I sacrificed everything to save someone I cared about...and no-one gave a shit. They did not give a single fuck about her. But there I was, Mr Silver, White, fuck-knows anymore Knight...playing a role he adopted because he was so concerned about what people thought of him, going out of his way to save someone who didn't care the same way about me. But I did that...and people stood by without lending a hand...until she died. Then she becomes their angel...your angel...and people say they wish they could have helped. Well thank you SO MUCH for the support."
Matt sarcastically claps his hands together, mockingly applauding the bad situation that occurred.
"So, you want to know how I am? I'm doing what I should have done a long time ago. Not give a fuck. Do what's best for me. Enjoy my life and not worry about other people as much as I did before...and it feels good. Oh, and ripping Seth Iser's face off but...that'll happen eventually."
Again, an awkward silence fills the room, as I somewhat feel a little guilty over the whole situation.
“Matt, I know it seemed as if nobody cared about Cera until that tragedy occurred. And yeah, I was one of them...but she did have a lot of enemies, myself included. I can’t honestly speak for everyone else, but when I said that I cared about what happened to her...I meant it. I truly meant it...”
Maintaining eye contact with him, I have no idea if he even believes me or not, but I at least hope he does.
“And honestly, you shouldn’t give up on caring about other people...because that’s what makes you a great man. Not only that, but you need to stop blaming yourself for what happened to her...because I know that you do blame yourself. But it wasn’t your fault, Matt.”
Matt nods, digesting what she just said before he smiles eerily.
"I've already accepted the consequences, Stacy, just like I have before. I know there's no going back. I know the enemies that she had...and the ones I had. I just want to move on...do what I want to do without...thinking about it..."
I nod as he sighs.
"But there are times when I do...like now. And it hurts. I expect that. But I just...want to patch up the mess...doing fuck knows what..."
“Well, just as long as you know...if you ever want to get anything off your chest, I’ll always be here to listen to you. You’re my friend, and I hate seeing my friends in pain because I love you all dearly, with all of my heart.”
"That's comforting to know."
Matt chuckles and gets a mischievous, playful look in his eyes again.
"So...is this the point in the movie where we make out, fall onto the bed and litter the floor with our clothes or...?"
He smirks and shakes his head laughing.
"I know, bad taste. I couldn't resist."
“You wish...”
Letting out a chuckle of my own, I take my phone out of my pocket to check the time and realize that I’ve got to get going.
“Well, anyway Matt...I’ve got some things to do so I better get going...”
He nods as we both stand to our feet and I lean towards him and wrap my arms around him in an embrace for a few moments before we part.
“Remember, if you ever want to chat, I’m just a phone call or a tweet away. Take care of yourself, Matt...”
"Oh I will. You make sure you do the same."
Nodding, we then both make our way to the front door and he opens it for me, showing me out as we say our goodbyes before parting ways.
I know that he wasn’t completely opening up to me there. But I honestly didn’t expect him too to begin with, it’s going to take a long time for him to finally fully open up. I just hope he does it soon before he does anything stupid to either himself or someone else.
At least he knows that I’ll always be there for him whenever he does decide to fully open up to the world. Sometimes in life, that’s all you ever need, just someone to listen to you.