Post by Parody on Jul 14, 2014 22:58:36 GMT -6
“Your final penance...is coming!”
”Sploosh!”
AHEM!
”Hello?!! Shane?! Where do you want us to set up?!”
”Ahh! Sorry there, gentlemen. Anywhere is fine, I suppose.”
”Alri……”
”NO! Actually, you guys may want to set your cameras up in front of the bathroom here. See… I just had a Varsity chili dog..”, I said, rubbing both hands over my stomach with a bittersweet smirk like a pregnant sixteen year old girl. ”Okay, so maybe I had four of them.”
”NOTED!”
Having just finished Stacy Jones’ promo, I grabbed my television remote, turning the television off. Or… at least I thought I had. Heavy moaning filled the room as the HD BBW porn I had been watching earlier appeared on the screen.
”Oh shit! Sorry again, gentlemen! My old age is starting to show I suppose! Technology these days…..”
”Ya know.. we’ve REALLY got to get going with this. We’re anxious. There are so many questions we want to ask you!”
Successfully turning off the blu-ray player, I got serious. I pulled up a chair and set up shop right there in front of my bathroom. It had been a while since I’d been interviewed, being that I gracefully stepped away from the wrestling industry nearly a year ago. This “interview”, however? It was a little different. It wasn’t wrestling related. Nor was it for yet another article in Playgirl magazine. I had reached out to Nev and Max, the on-screen personalities behind MTV’s show “Catfish”.
For those of you still living underneath a rock, “Catfish” was a show where twitterpated, naïve schmucks such as myself reached out, out of desperation, because they wanted to finally come face to face with the “love of their lives”. Yes, nine times out of ten the ‘Catfisher’ was a “Big Fat Loser” cast reject. But I just KNEW this was true love. I just KNEW it!
You see, one night while browsing the AOL chatrooms for a good Pokemon RPG, I was messaged by a beautiful vixen whose name was Lawonda. At first, I thought she was a porn bot because her responses made absolutely no sense. For instance, I would sent her a message saying “THUNDERBOLT!” and she would respond with “Oh yes baby light my pussy on fire!” But as I got to talking to her, and the more I drank over the course of, well, all of our conversations, I really started to fall in love. I ditched my ‘baby momma’, cut off all my buddies that I had known virtually all my life, and even skimped out on a few showers. All just to talk to this girl.
”….What’s that smell?!”
”Nevermind that!”, I declared, feeling a rumbly in my tumbly, Winnie the Pooh style, compliments of those chili dogs!
”Alright, alright..”, Nev finally surrendered, having a seat beside co-host Max.
And I wasn’t gay, but DAYUMN! That Max could get it!
”So you met LaWonda in an AOL chatroom. Which, automatically leads me to ask. Who the HELL still uses American Online?!”
Silence.
I won’t lie, I was a little offended. How dare this dipshit continue to make jabs at my lack of knowledge in regards to today’s technology.
”So what is it about LaWonda that you find so attractive?!”, Nev asked, pulling up the only picture she’s ever sent Shane.
”Dat ass, though!!!”, exclaimed Max.
”Riiiiight!?? Perfect apple bottom goin’ on, dawg! What’chu know ‘bout that?!”
We high fived ; the enthusiasm of a perfect ass being something we had in common.
”But nah, Nev. The AOL chatroom was only phase one. You see, my bitch mother tweaked my account under Parental Controls… And I was unable to keep in contact with her.”
”……Your mother still controls your access to the internet?! Where is she now? Is she around?!”
”She’s out cheating on my stepfather. She’ll be back in a few days…”
”Uhhh, riiiight. So have you and LaWonda ever video chatted on Skype? Talked on the phone, perhaps?”
”We talk on the phone all the time. The phone sex with her is the best. I actually ejaculate with this girl! I never have to fake it!”
”That’s great, Shane, it really is. Listen, does she have any social media accounts that you’re aware of?! I’m ready to play the role of Mr. Detective. And well, quite frankly, I’m ready to leave this stuffy little hotel of yours…”
”It’s my mother’s….”
”Not sure you helped your case any there, man.”
”But listen. Before you go, I mentioned phase one. The AOL chat room. A month after my mother had my account blocked from chat access, LaWonda and I stumbled upon each other on Christian Mingle.”
”YOU’RE on Christian Mingle?! Of all the dating sites?! YOU?!”
”Hey. Those church girls are the biggest freaks, man!”
”He’s right, man!”, another high five following.
”ANYWAY! We were finally starting to get somewhere. How exactly did she find you? And what did she say to you on the dating site?”
”Said she missed my e-penis. My heavy breathing, my blood-curdling screams of ecstasy. How exactly she found me, I’m not sure. Perhaps it was just fate, Nev. We were meant to be reunited. We were meant to be together. She’s the perfect fuck buddy. And well, I guess she’d make a great ex-wife as well.”
”Uhhh? Max… got anything else?!”
”Look. I’ve got to go drop the Cosby kids off at the pool, if you will excuse me. Just go find my beloved! If you do this for me, shots on me!”
”I hope we can use shot guns..”, Nev mumbles to Max.
The two excuse themselves to do their detective work, and to attempt to get in touch with LaWonda as I awaited patiently, right there on the table, old school Gameboy color in hand.
”Y’know… I remember the first time I ever caught a Pikachu! It was mighty liberating. An out of body experience, even. Yeah, I know what you’re thinking right now. “Dude, grow up. You’re thirty-six, sitting on the toilet of your mother’s hotel, gloating about your high alcohol tolerance and level 6000 Houndooms. How immature!” However, the man I’ve come to be just doesn’t give a damn at the moment. I’ve lived. I’ve experienced. Been through the ups and downs in life’s rollercoaster. And I tell ya what, man. The liberation is no longer there. The out of body experiences, nonexistent.”
“Liberation for me now is wild partying. It’s females like LaWonda with the perfect hourglass shape. This isn’t to say I’ve given up on all other aspects of life. In fact, I actually just signed an exclusive contract deal with Visionaries of Wrestling. Yep! Another promotion. ’But Shane, you don’t care anymore. You don’t sound too enthusiastic about said contact. Nah. While I’m taking a break from caring so much about what others think, and while I’m done taking myself so seriously, I AM still in it to win it. I’ve got my game face on, just with a new attitude to boot.”
“’Well, Shane. You never did take yourself seriously to begin with, you say.’ Wrong again. I wouldn’t have become the legend in the wrestling industry that I am today had I not cared ; had I never taken myself seriously. An unfocused, scatterbrained individual would never dare train hard for battle, nor would he work extra hard to give his fans what they truly wanted, rummaging through old wrestling promos and studying the craft. He wouldn’t have held every major championship in every promotion he has even stepped foot in. That takes heart. That takes maturity. Yet, that was before I learned that less is more.”
“People could care less about what you can make yourself out to be. What you can push yourself to do if you really tried hard. People want others to be themselves. It’s that realness that sells. It’s the realness that is respected. And although over the years I’ve been ridiculed for my bad boy antics, I always end up sketching my way inside the hearts of every single follower of the industry. No matter what it is I do. And I tell ya what, man. Not everyone can do that.”
“Take this Stacy Jones broad for instance. She has freaky-deaky time with other girls, big breasts and a man-bashing, sharp tongue to boot. That’s great and all. But sugarplum fairy princess, who in the hell are you?! You’re dogging me and Ethan Payne out like we’re stepping stones ; not realizing who I am. No care in the world to check my stats before make a complete, utter fool of yourself.”
”I SMASH BLOCK! I RIP THROAT OUT! SUFFER MY JUDGMENT! OOOOOH YEEEEEEEAH! Koolaid man in the houuuuuuuuse!”, I exclaimed, poking fun at Stacy Jones.
”Nobody cares who you are in, nor out of the ring. No one is trying to get to know you just yet. How about making a name for yourself before taking the laid back approach. You’re just another girl who thinks she can hang with the big boys. Chill with that noise, and make me a grilled cheese. Kraft cheese, please! None of that fancy, schmancy Deli counter stuff!”
“Actually, make that two. One for me and one for the other COMPETITOR in this match. Although, that too would be a huge overstatement. While Stacy tries too hard, it seems poor little Ethan doesn’t even try at all. It’s like the fat kid that got picked last at dodge ball. Picked last because the others know he’s going to simply stand back and sneak leftover Doritos down his gullet…”
“This should be good to say the least.”
Suddenly, my phone began to ring….
”Ooooh! It’s LaWonda!!”
I answered my circa 2004 flip phone, allowing for my Madonna ringtone to only get as far as “Give me all y…” before answering.
”Hello?! Baby?!”
”Shit…”, I heard a muffled voice speak out on the other end before we were disconnected. She called back just as I had finished my business on the toilet. Fighting through my excitement, and my phone as it was clumsily juggled between both hands, the phone would find its’ way into the toilet.
”Motherf….. NO!!!!”
I panicked. While fishing the phone out from the dirty toilet water, I kept thinking to myself, ‘What now?! My phone is damaged! How ever do I get in touch with Nev and Max without cellphone use?! I looked at the small hotel desk, more specifically at my mother’s laptop, and sighed.
”Well, I’m fucked.”
I quickly reached for mother’s hair dryer, and after damn near electrocuting myself somehow, I had it plugged in and blowing into my phone.
”Work! Work! Work!!”
Moments later, I pressed my finger against the power button and through the dimmed screen, was able to scroll through to get to LaWonda’s last message to me.
”Yes! Sweet tits!! I bet Max and Nev already got in touch with her!! I hope she can come to Michigan to meet me!!”
I put the phone to my ear, and listened in to that beautiful voice.
”Shane, baby. I am sorry but I don't think I am going to be able to come out and meet you this week. I'm a little busy. And, I've got to start my training to get my body swimsuit ready. But soon, love bug. Soon!”
Sigh.
To Be Continued…
”Sploosh!”
AHEM!
”Hello?!! Shane?! Where do you want us to set up?!”
”Ahh! Sorry there, gentlemen. Anywhere is fine, I suppose.”
”Alri……”
”NO! Actually, you guys may want to set your cameras up in front of the bathroom here. See… I just had a Varsity chili dog..”, I said, rubbing both hands over my stomach with a bittersweet smirk like a pregnant sixteen year old girl. ”Okay, so maybe I had four of them.”
”NOTED!”
Having just finished Stacy Jones’ promo, I grabbed my television remote, turning the television off. Or… at least I thought I had. Heavy moaning filled the room as the HD BBW porn I had been watching earlier appeared on the screen.
”Oh shit! Sorry again, gentlemen! My old age is starting to show I suppose! Technology these days…..”
”Ya know.. we’ve REALLY got to get going with this. We’re anxious. There are so many questions we want to ask you!”
Successfully turning off the blu-ray player, I got serious. I pulled up a chair and set up shop right there in front of my bathroom. It had been a while since I’d been interviewed, being that I gracefully stepped away from the wrestling industry nearly a year ago. This “interview”, however? It was a little different. It wasn’t wrestling related. Nor was it for yet another article in Playgirl magazine. I had reached out to Nev and Max, the on-screen personalities behind MTV’s show “Catfish”.
For those of you still living underneath a rock, “Catfish” was a show where twitterpated, naïve schmucks such as myself reached out, out of desperation, because they wanted to finally come face to face with the “love of their lives”. Yes, nine times out of ten the ‘Catfisher’ was a “Big Fat Loser” cast reject. But I just KNEW this was true love. I just KNEW it!
You see, one night while browsing the AOL chatrooms for a good Pokemon RPG, I was messaged by a beautiful vixen whose name was Lawonda. At first, I thought she was a porn bot because her responses made absolutely no sense. For instance, I would sent her a message saying “THUNDERBOLT!” and she would respond with “Oh yes baby light my pussy on fire!” But as I got to talking to her, and the more I drank over the course of, well, all of our conversations, I really started to fall in love. I ditched my ‘baby momma’, cut off all my buddies that I had known virtually all my life, and even skimped out on a few showers. All just to talk to this girl.
”….What’s that smell?!”
”Nevermind that!”, I declared, feeling a rumbly in my tumbly, Winnie the Pooh style, compliments of those chili dogs!
”Alright, alright..”, Nev finally surrendered, having a seat beside co-host Max.
And I wasn’t gay, but DAYUMN! That Max could get it!
”So you met LaWonda in an AOL chatroom. Which, automatically leads me to ask. Who the HELL still uses American Online?!”
Silence.
I won’t lie, I was a little offended. How dare this dipshit continue to make jabs at my lack of knowledge in regards to today’s technology.
”So what is it about LaWonda that you find so attractive?!”, Nev asked, pulling up the only picture she’s ever sent Shane.
”Dat ass, though!!!”, exclaimed Max.
”Riiiiight!?? Perfect apple bottom goin’ on, dawg! What’chu know ‘bout that?!”
We high fived ; the enthusiasm of a perfect ass being something we had in common.
”But nah, Nev. The AOL chatroom was only phase one. You see, my bitch mother tweaked my account under Parental Controls… And I was unable to keep in contact with her.”
”……Your mother still controls your access to the internet?! Where is she now? Is she around?!”
”She’s out cheating on my stepfather. She’ll be back in a few days…”
”Uhhh, riiiight. So have you and LaWonda ever video chatted on Skype? Talked on the phone, perhaps?”
”We talk on the phone all the time. The phone sex with her is the best. I actually ejaculate with this girl! I never have to fake it!”
”That’s great, Shane, it really is. Listen, does she have any social media accounts that you’re aware of?! I’m ready to play the role of Mr. Detective. And well, quite frankly, I’m ready to leave this stuffy little hotel of yours…”
”It’s my mother’s….”
”Not sure you helped your case any there, man.”
”But listen. Before you go, I mentioned phase one. The AOL chat room. A month after my mother had my account blocked from chat access, LaWonda and I stumbled upon each other on Christian Mingle.”
”YOU’RE on Christian Mingle?! Of all the dating sites?! YOU?!”
”Hey. Those church girls are the biggest freaks, man!”
”He’s right, man!”, another high five following.
”ANYWAY! We were finally starting to get somewhere. How exactly did she find you? And what did she say to you on the dating site?”
”Said she missed my e-penis. My heavy breathing, my blood-curdling screams of ecstasy. How exactly she found me, I’m not sure. Perhaps it was just fate, Nev. We were meant to be reunited. We were meant to be together. She’s the perfect fuck buddy. And well, I guess she’d make a great ex-wife as well.”
”Uhhh? Max… got anything else?!”
”Look. I’ve got to go drop the Cosby kids off at the pool, if you will excuse me. Just go find my beloved! If you do this for me, shots on me!”
”I hope we can use shot guns..”, Nev mumbles to Max.
The two excuse themselves to do their detective work, and to attempt to get in touch with LaWonda as I awaited patiently, right there on the table, old school Gameboy color in hand.
”Y’know… I remember the first time I ever caught a Pikachu! It was mighty liberating. An out of body experience, even. Yeah, I know what you’re thinking right now. “Dude, grow up. You’re thirty-six, sitting on the toilet of your mother’s hotel, gloating about your high alcohol tolerance and level 6000 Houndooms. How immature!” However, the man I’ve come to be just doesn’t give a damn at the moment. I’ve lived. I’ve experienced. Been through the ups and downs in life’s rollercoaster. And I tell ya what, man. The liberation is no longer there. The out of body experiences, nonexistent.”
“Liberation for me now is wild partying. It’s females like LaWonda with the perfect hourglass shape. This isn’t to say I’ve given up on all other aspects of life. In fact, I actually just signed an exclusive contract deal with Visionaries of Wrestling. Yep! Another promotion. ’But Shane, you don’t care anymore. You don’t sound too enthusiastic about said contact. Nah. While I’m taking a break from caring so much about what others think, and while I’m done taking myself so seriously, I AM still in it to win it. I’ve got my game face on, just with a new attitude to boot.”
“’Well, Shane. You never did take yourself seriously to begin with, you say.’ Wrong again. I wouldn’t have become the legend in the wrestling industry that I am today had I not cared ; had I never taken myself seriously. An unfocused, scatterbrained individual would never dare train hard for battle, nor would he work extra hard to give his fans what they truly wanted, rummaging through old wrestling promos and studying the craft. He wouldn’t have held every major championship in every promotion he has even stepped foot in. That takes heart. That takes maturity. Yet, that was before I learned that less is more.”
“People could care less about what you can make yourself out to be. What you can push yourself to do if you really tried hard. People want others to be themselves. It’s that realness that sells. It’s the realness that is respected. And although over the years I’ve been ridiculed for my bad boy antics, I always end up sketching my way inside the hearts of every single follower of the industry. No matter what it is I do. And I tell ya what, man. Not everyone can do that.”
“Take this Stacy Jones broad for instance. She has freaky-deaky time with other girls, big breasts and a man-bashing, sharp tongue to boot. That’s great and all. But sugarplum fairy princess, who in the hell are you?! You’re dogging me and Ethan Payne out like we’re stepping stones ; not realizing who I am. No care in the world to check my stats before make a complete, utter fool of yourself.”
”I SMASH BLOCK! I RIP THROAT OUT! SUFFER MY JUDGMENT! OOOOOH YEEEEEEEAH! Koolaid man in the houuuuuuuuse!”, I exclaimed, poking fun at Stacy Jones.
”Nobody cares who you are in, nor out of the ring. No one is trying to get to know you just yet. How about making a name for yourself before taking the laid back approach. You’re just another girl who thinks she can hang with the big boys. Chill with that noise, and make me a grilled cheese. Kraft cheese, please! None of that fancy, schmancy Deli counter stuff!”
“Actually, make that two. One for me and one for the other COMPETITOR in this match. Although, that too would be a huge overstatement. While Stacy tries too hard, it seems poor little Ethan doesn’t even try at all. It’s like the fat kid that got picked last at dodge ball. Picked last because the others know he’s going to simply stand back and sneak leftover Doritos down his gullet…”
“This should be good to say the least.”
Suddenly, my phone began to ring….
”Ooooh! It’s LaWonda!!”
I answered my circa 2004 flip phone, allowing for my Madonna ringtone to only get as far as “Give me all y…” before answering.
”Hello?! Baby?!”
”Shit…”, I heard a muffled voice speak out on the other end before we were disconnected. She called back just as I had finished my business on the toilet. Fighting through my excitement, and my phone as it was clumsily juggled between both hands, the phone would find its’ way into the toilet.
”Motherf….. NO!!!!”
I panicked. While fishing the phone out from the dirty toilet water, I kept thinking to myself, ‘What now?! My phone is damaged! How ever do I get in touch with Nev and Max without cellphone use?! I looked at the small hotel desk, more specifically at my mother’s laptop, and sighed.
”Well, I’m fucked.”
I quickly reached for mother’s hair dryer, and after damn near electrocuting myself somehow, I had it plugged in and blowing into my phone.
”Work! Work! Work!!”
Moments later, I pressed my finger against the power button and through the dimmed screen, was able to scroll through to get to LaWonda’s last message to me.
”Yes! Sweet tits!! I bet Max and Nev already got in touch with her!! I hope she can come to Michigan to meet me!!”
I put the phone to my ear, and listened in to that beautiful voice.
”Shane, baby. I am sorry but I don't think I am going to be able to come out and meet you this week. I'm a little busy. And, I've got to start my training to get my body swimsuit ready. But soon, love bug. Soon!”
Sigh.
To Be Continued…
