Post by Parody on Oct 8, 2014 14:52:33 GMT -6
” I’m overjoyed right now! It’s not all about the titles, the recognition, the ho’s and the ego boosts for me. That’s just one of many things that sets me apart from my fellow competitors in this industry ; not to brag. We all have different things that motivate us, mind you. We all partake in the industry to achieve certain goals. Most set out to achieve those aforementioned things: the fame, the random groupies, the accolades. Me? I’ve been doing this for twelve years now. I’ve been there, done that. Those things no longer motivate me. And as already mentioned, that’s no longer the reason why I do this. I am doing this for my fans. The ones who stand by me and support me, through all of my goofy antics and even my occasional mishaps in the ring.”
“I feel like openly speaking about my deceased brother Aiden was a great move. I’m actually very privileged to be placed in this position where I can speak openly about such things, and to be looked up to for all the right reasons. Dedicating the Wall of Woe match to him, and going on to win it, and capturing the VOW Zero Gravity Championship ; it’s the icing on the cake. I am here for these public speaking events, one-hundred and ten percent. I’m here to reach out to fans like yourself to tell you, Hey, I’m just like you. I can relate to you. There are many people, just like myself, who lost loved ones overseas fighting for our country. Maybe they’re still over there and have yet to be released back to us. Maybe they’re gone. Maybe others figured, Hah! That’ll never happen to me and my family!. But you can’t be naïve like I was. Anything can happen. It’s a part of life.”
I would tap my index finger against the Power button of the television remote before laying it along the nightstand of my deluxe hotel room in Eau Claire, Wisconsin.
”Man, that’s my favorite interview yet!”
Alright, so this wasn’t my hotel room. I actually tacked an extra forty bucks onto what Lucas McCann paid for his hotel room to get the deluxe suite. I needed a place to stay for the night, and well, being that we were best friends, I figured he surely wouldn’t mind!
For the first time ever, I knew what it was like to be a true ‘baby face’ in this industry. I knew what it was like to be favored, and to be looked up to ; not only by my peers, but by the masses that were the fans of Visionaries of Wrestling. And to think, all it took was for me to open up ; to pour out my heart, expose my past struggles and all of the inner-most thoughts that I would recollect upon surviving each one.
”Godddddd, I can’t wait!!”, I would declare, as the camera panned over to reveal myself wearing a snorkel and a speedo. ”I can already taste you! I can smell you! I can’t wait to be inside of you!”, I would continue. No, this wasn’t some weird sex thing. Well… at least not for those who thought sex was strictly a dual event. This was me… treating myself.
Before me was a Jacuzzi tub – filled to the rim with cheese sauce. Why cheese sauce? Well, I loved cheese. And what better place to showcase my love for cheese than the Cheese State itself, Wisconsin?! I dove in, head first. And man, I was in complete bliss! I didn’t know what was better: broadening my fan base and defeating Berlin Anderson for the Zero Gravity Championship, or bathing in this sea of liquid gold!
“God baby, I can’t wait to rip those clothes off of you. The shit I’m going to do to you tonight...”
Teehehehe. “Oh yeah?”
Suddenly, I heard a loud creaking noise. I popped my head up gradually to notice the door had been pushed open. Before me was Lucas, his luggage in his left hand, and an attractive woman’s ass in his right.
”Yeah, baby. I’m literally about to make your head explode…”
”What’s……. That smell?!”
”Pheromones, baby. You’ve got me all hot and bothered!”
I popped my head up once more from an intense swim, this time to be greeted by a waiting Lucas McCann and his night time catch.
”Oh, fuck this! I’m calling the cops! Someone is in our room!”
”No, no, no, bro! It’s just me!”, I spoke up, removing the snorkel. ”I’m just treating myself after my victorious title victory!”
”Dude, that match was WEEKS ago. Do you not remember losing to Casanova English and Vanessa last week?!”, Lucas responded, not so much out of bitterness or malice, but more so out of disgust of seeing his best friend in a skimpy speedo ; in front of his girl, mind you.
”Yeah, but the charity event was just two days ago! Can’t always focus on the losses and the negatives, man. Sometimes you’ve just got to think positive, and focus on the good. Besides, English is going to know, if he doesn’t already, that I want that rematch. From a competitive standpoint, I feel a little robbed witnessing Vanessa doing his dirty work last week, only for Casanova to pin me to the mat. And you know me, it takes a lot for me to put my pride aside and confess that a woman kicked my ass!”
Suddenly, I found myself back in the cheese bath, this time compliments of Luke’s one night stand.
”The hell was that for?!”
”You’re a chauvinistic bastard!!”
”Luke, I think she wants me. What’s her name anyway?!”
”Uhhh. Errr. I don’t uhhhh.. hmmmmm…. Uhhh.”
Luke gives up, and looks to the girl.
”Did you tell me your name?!”
”It’s Vanessa.”
”Oh, the irony!”
”Okay, so wait..”, Luke started in, changing the subject to avoid this awkward hole he had just dug for himself. ”What the hell are you doing in a cheese filled Jacuzzi?! And what are you doing in my room?!”
”Well, he is kind’ve cute! Maybe he can join us later?!”
”Heh! Maybe I wi….”
”WON’T!”
”I needed a place to stay, man. So I paid front desk forty dollars more so you could have this deluxe suite. You can’t be mad at me for that! This suite is awesome!”
”I wouldn’t know, being that I can’t completely enjoy it the way I would like. I’ve got some weirdo wearing a snorkel and a damn speedo swimming around in cheese.. in the very middle of said room! What the hell am I supposed to do with that, huh?!”
”Relax, dude. Don’t be such a prude. This is fun. And this cheese sauce is amazing. You guys should come in for a dip. It’s even better than that herpe cream bubble bath that me and Jarek Whitaker took back in New Edge…”
”The…. What?!”
”Oh, that’s right. You weren’t there for that, were ya?!”
”I tend to block out ALL memories of that dreadful place….”
”Fair enough. But as I said, this cheese sauce is amazing, bro! I think I may have a bit of a fetish for it, even. You know.. sort’ve like how Seifer Black loves his purple and white face paint! He cakes more shit on his face than a drag queen, man. It’s like, if only people like that spent a little more time giving back, and making a difference in peoples’ lives. Let’s face it, you’d never see a Seifer Black helping out at a soup kitchen, or signing autographs at a charity event. Seifer Black is the type of person you’d bump into casually at a CVS or Walgreen’s in the make-up aisle ; purchasing three-hundred dollars worth of cosmetics so he can look ‘pretty’ for his opponents.”
”……And he buys them with Extracare Bucks?”
”YES! And Buy One-Get One coupons. The cheap bastard!”
”Wellllll.. Seifer DOES believe in throwing a bone to charity to some extent…”
”Oh?”
”Sure. He was giving Stacy Jones tips and pointers just last week…”
”Makeup pointers? Wait! Didn’t I see Seifer Black doing some tutorial videos on Youtube?! ‘Applying Foundation on a Budget’, perhaps?”
”Hah. I would continue talking shit with you, but it’s hard to take you seriously right now, covered in cheese.”
”Hey, cheese is better than face paint! I’m actually thinking about rubbing cheese all over my body before the big match at Breakthrough 15!”
”Say goodbye to that fan base of yours!”
”Hah, no. People are going to love me no matter what. I could cut a promo from a hot air balloon while wearing one of those red, squeaky clown noses on my face and holding a kitten.. and people would still admire me at this point. But Seifer Black? At this point, people will just continue to overlook him because he does things out of desperation. And there’s a huge difference between doing things out of desperation and doing things because it fits you, or to prove a point – which is exactly what I’m doing right now!”
“Yeah, Shane Sparx.. the wrestling legend is in a Jacuzzi filled with cheese right now. It’s acceptable, because it’s me. I’ve done some of the most goofiest shit over the years. People have poked fun of me for this, some promotions even refusing to sign me because of how controversial or over the top I’ve become. But others love me ; the ones that get it, the ones that don’t take things so seriously, like myself. I’m here to make fun of myself before anyone else here has the opportunity to do so. I’m here to make fun of my fellow competitors and expose their weaknesses because it’s my job, and because I love to bash on fake people.”
“Seifer Black isn’t the only one to give helpless nobodies pointers. Nor is he the first one to wear face paint, or seek validation from others for continuing an outdone trend. Seifer Black is just another body, who COULD have potential to be a great wrestler. But at the moment, it’s just not there. ….I think he needs to eat a little more cheese. What do you think?!”
”So.. you’re admitting that the point you’re making right now is that this whole thing is stupid? That chillin’ in a pool of cheese is disgusting, and just downright stupid?!”
”Nah. Just pointing out that an established talent such as myself can get away with it. And that you’re a square.”
”Ya know.. my curiosity has gotten the best of me! I want to see what this feels like! I’m intrigued! I want to know more about this fetish of yours!”
”Join me!”
Vanessa would step into the Jacuzzi with me as Luke just shook his head and made his way toward the balcony.
”Nothin’ but a three ring circus with this man!”
SLAM!
”Ooooooohhh!”
”Feels good, doesn’t it?!”
”Teeheehee! Maybe just a tad!”
”Ya know what would feel REALLY good?!”
GIGGITY!