Dead to Me...

I don't wanna be a murderer.

Standing there, I was surrounded by black. They all wore it. The coffin was painted it. Even the sky was donning a darker shade. Playing the part, I guess. Everything... black and gray... with the exception of the red lipstick that'd been so carefully applied to my mother's lips. My lil body rocked back and forth slightly in that cheap, folding chair that I was being forced to sit upon. Was I the youngest one there? When was it going to end? Could we get icecream afterward? All the questions relevant to little five year old me.

I guess I didn't understand.

Death wasn't a concept I'd given much thought. At least, that's what I led them all to believe. My mother... her husband of what... two or three years now? How many had that been in my very short life? Three now? Nonetheless, he was my "father" now. And both of them sat on either side of me. Mommy's recent toy stared stoically ahead. His pale blue eyes familiar, yet emotionless. And dear old mom? Wipin' away tears that only appeared around strangers. Faux sorrow masking her usual hate-filled gaze. Ha. I didn't care, though. I just wanted some icecream. Strawberry or something else that was brightly colored and fruity.

Something to counter the dreary colors of that day...

Funnily enough, I didn't really know or care whose funeral this was. All I knew was that I was dragged away from some important play time to go to it. And that made me hate it. That made me hate whoever died. Who were they to interrupt my schedule of Legend of Zelda, cookies and naps? So when the priest spoke about their soul... spoke about heaven, and someone's "holy father" or something welcoming them with open arms... I mentally cursed them. I wished they'd go to Hell. I wished that Heaven wouldn't accept them. I wished them eternal damnation, in a way only a grade schooler could.

That was enough to make me realize that I didn't belong there.

It was an open casket.... and they so naively decided I was mature enough to walk up with them, flower in hand. I watched as everyone put their own flowers in, saying somethin' nice and blessing them. Why?? The dead person was wasting our time here! What made them so special? A scowl crossed my little face as mommy dearest put her flower in, sniffling. "Dad" tossed his in as well, mumbling somethin' generic. And then it was my turn. Adults smiled slightly, commenting on how well behaved I was. They all watched patiently as I peeked into the casket. There lay a body of a man I didn't know, eyes closed... yet so realistic that you'd think he'd pop up at any moment...

"Ick..."

"What sweety? You have to hurry up..." My mother whispered to me, her voice dripping with honey. I glared over her, and her dark blue eyes widened. I could tell... she knew exactly what was about to happen. She didn't have time to stop me, either, as I grabbed the side of the casket...

"GO TA HELL!!!"

My yell echoed through the yard, and a collective gasp was heard as I shoved the casket as hard as I could. I guess the table it sat on wasn't as sturdy as they'd thought. The coffin toppled off of it, onto it's side, and the body fell out... splayed out on the ground, the flowers falling around him. I lifted my chin proudly as people cried out in horror, others hurrying to fix the mess I'd made. They were all so... mortified. And as everyone looked over at me and my "parents" in disgust, my mother tore off the "loving parent" mask... for but a moment... to whip a hand across my face. Hard enough to make me spin and fall hard onto my lil butt.

That was the day I realized that I wasn't immortal...

♫ I need to say sorry... that's the only thing you say when you lose someone. I used to say I'm sorry... for all of the stupid shit you've done. So now I'm really sorry... sorry for bein' the apologetic one. But if I told you again, if I told you again... you would think I was crazy.

My condolences. I'll shed a tear with your family. I'll open a bottle up... pour a little bit out in your memory. I'll be at the wake dressed in all black. I'll call out your name but you won't call back. I'll hand a flower to your mother when I say goodbye... cuz baby you're dead to me ♫

"I really wanna kill you..."

My whisper cut through the air like a knife. Though the tension was thick enough that I'd prolly have to use an axe, actually. My half-sister, Reya Serra, glanced over her shoulder warily at me. Before she could speak, I smiled weakly and shook my head, before pointin' at the earbud in one of my ears. I'd been listening to my iPod while putting Rayne's kids to bed. Listening to music helped me sleep better. Er, I mean helped me to help others sleep better. And I'd kept one in, even after comin' downstairs when hearing a commotion between Reya and her friend Paxar. Even when my sister told me what she was doing... where she was going...

Maybe it was more of a coping mechanism...

"Vanessa..."

I clenched my jaw, hands tightening on Reya's luggage. I'd followed her outside, carrying her stuff for her like a good little sister. But I knew better. Every thought plaguing my mind said otherwise. And at that point, my tongue hurt from biting it for the last five minutes.

"...yeah...?"

The short, cold response made a pained look cross Reya's face, as she quietly took her luggage and began putting it into her taxi. After a moment, she glanced back over at me...

"I am sorry. I should have told you sooner. No. I should have... told you."

"Yeah."

"I understand if you are angry with me." She spoke softly, sadness in those serious eyes. "But these innocent people need me. It is the will of the Lord that I--"

"Go to Hell..."

These words... these stupid, childish words... startled Reya. Three words... that prolly hurt her more than anything. But... but it was that same feeling from when I was a kid. And I was a juvenile, selfish brat...

"I... I am sorry..." She whispered again, and I could hear the hurt in her voice. God my teeth hurt. I needed to stop clenching them. Telling my body to relax, I locked eyes with her.

"I ain't sposed to say that, am I?" When she didn't respond, I swallowed hard and continued in a distant tone... "I'm sorry too."

Reya held my gaze for a moment, before looking away. She didn't get emotional easily. She was usually calm. A rock that the ever-so-emotional Rayne, and myself, leaned on when need-be. But she was nearly in tears. And that only made me angrier. It was her choice. But she truly believed it wasn't... that her 'God' was leading her there.

"It is something that I have to do. As I told Paxar, I must answer the call of God and--"

"I ain't arguing with you Reya." I interrupted again, ice lacing every word that escaped my lips. "So... you don't need to defend yerself..."

My my, what a cruel way to treat your kin.

I ignored the Queen... my other personality... my arrogant alter ego. There was no way in Hades that I'd let her get to me. Not now, anyway. Reya was getting into the taxi now, but she told the driver to wait a moment, before turning back to me... the car door ajar.

"Vanessa..."

"Go. They need you." I murmured, a bit sardonic in my wording. Inwardly, I growled, 'Because NO ONE here does'. But I kept that to myself... despite having a hard time keeping the feelings of betrayal and abandonment from creeping up. Reya could tell. We were close enough that she knew. She knew I wanted to punch her in the face for this. Right as we were finally gettin' closer. Right as I was feeling like I had a real family... she was walking away. I... I almost hated her.

"I love you, Vanessa. Never forget that, little sister."

With that, she was gone. And I needed a new iPod.

After violently throwing my music player after the departing taxi, I began a slow walk back to Rayne's house. All the while, the Queen cackled with glee.

What is it that you modern-day peasants say? 'Another one bites the dust'?

"Fuck... you." I mumbled, wanting to kill my other side. Obviously I'd have to kill myself to do that. And I didn't wanna do that... I don't think I did, anyway.

Perhaps that Paxar child was correct. Perhaps she will contract that disease.

"I swear to Athena....."

Dear dear, and to think... the last thing you said to her was filled with such malice.

Yeah, I'd definitely need a dentist after that day. Slowly relaxing my jaw, I tuned out the Queen as best as I could as I quietly stepped through the Omegas' front door. A blast of warm air hit me, countering that cold midwestern weather, and I snuck a peek inside. Rayne Draven Omega was pounding on a door in her and Ryan's home, shouting. I blinked and spoke up innocently...

"Uh, Rayne?"

"Paxar!!! Open up!!!" She paused, then turned around to meet my curious gaze. "Oh hey... How long have you been standing there?"

"Only a few seconds..."

With a pause, I smiled slightly. Even I could tell it was weak and forced. "I'm gonna head off, Rayne Drop. Got things to do, so ahm... I'll see ya at the show?"

As Rayne shook her head at the door Paxar was hiding behind, she started toward me. "Uh... Yeah of course... Sorry, Paxy was filming me when I wasn't paying attention and put it on the internet."

She stopped in front of me and placed a hand to the underside of my elbow. "Say, with what just happened? You alright? It wasn't really the best way to find out about a life changing event."

I stared away for a moment, before finally returning my gaze back to Rayne seriously. "I... feel a certain way. It's hard to explain, but... yeah. I just need to go... somewhere. Somewhere new. Somewhere different. Everything feels jumbled. I can't fuckin' THINK."

My voice raised slightly at the end there, as a scowl crossed my face. The Queen, who'd been adding into the conversation so far with quiet snickering, actually shut up. Surprisingly. I shook my head and continued.

"Anyway... it doesn't matter how I feel, or how I am, or anything like that." Taking in a deep breath, I chose my next words carefully, "Rayne. Please. Be careful this week, okay?"

RDO sighed, seeming to realize the weight of everything recently... from personal to professional; in the ring and out. Her next words were on her opponent that week... the rather unnerving man known as Casanova English.

"He scares the ever living shit out of me you know? I don't believe in THE Antichrist... But if there ever was one... I'll do what I can to avoid harm. But I don't know if I can guarantee my own safety. I HATE him. You know how I feel about that word... But it's the truth I HATE him for everything he tries to pass off as a favor to society. I HATE how he targets you. For you, I'll TRY to come out in one piece. But I really don't know."

Anger and even a bit of fear laced her words, before she leaned forward and gave me that warm 'Rayne hug' that I cherished so much. "And to argue with you, it does matter how you feel. You matter, and despite what happens, Nessa, I'll always be here for you. No matter how far away or how long you need solitude. I will always be here for you."

Tensing during the hug, I pulled away and kept my tears at bay as I bitterly responded, "...at least someone will... ugh. Sorry."

I flinched after realizing what I said, before exhaling shakily. "I... I swear if he tries anything funny to ya... I'll let her out. I'll give her control with the condition of fucking killin' him."

I felt my alter ego stir again, almost in excitement. And I felt something change in my eyes, my expression becoming uncharacteristic to me. A look of slight alarm crossed Rayne's pretty features, as she responded...

"Nessa, you know she doesn't listen... she'll take you up on your offer and then what? She's not your answer and that's exactly what Casanova wants. You can't give into him. You can't."

Is she begging? Pathetic.

Keeping a hold on control, I bit my lip as my good friend began to tear up.

"Reya left... And there's no fucking guarantee she'll come back home safe... only her word... so, I'll try to keep faith... but, It's just us now. And I'm not going to get ready to lose you too. He wants you to bury yourself in hatred, in the Queen. Don't give him what he wants. Please clear your head, while you're out... please."

I must find a word stronger than pathetic, to describe this girl.

"I don't like that look." Those words cut deep, and only made the Queen laugh even louder. So loud that it drowned out everything else. She was laughing at my friend. My family. For her raw emotion and love for me. That pissed me off more than anything...

"FUCK OFF."

A look of anger played on my face. I was staring into the space... the way I usually do when I speak with the Queen. Luckily Rayne knew that and watched me sadly. Putting a hand to my temple, as the Queen vanished for the moment, I looked back at RDO... my expression going back to normal.

"Sorry... I won't. I promise I won't..."

"Thank you."

"....I.... I'm thinking to get control, I have to lose it first." Something hit me, and I noticed a bit of glimmering hope on the horizon. "And I have an idea. You'll see Rayne Drop..."

With a warm and confident smile, my eyes glistened as I reassured her, "... everything will be okay. Everything will even out. After Darkest Hour... ironically... the world will become a lil less dark."

Somehow, Rayne seemed to perk up. With those words, I'd at least managed to cheer her up a lil bit. Achievement unlocked!

"You really are something, Nessa. Ya know that?"

My response to that was a cock of my head, as I blinked innocently, a look of bewilderment on my face. "I have no idea what yer talkin' bout. But so are you, Rayne. So much that I gotta thank you. Sometimes, I think ya care about me more than I care about myself. It's a weird feelin'... but a good one."

Rayne flashed a smile... making me flush. Gosh darn it, I'd have to remind myself to kill Ryan one day to make this girl mine. I blinked again as RDO spoke in that gentle tone of her's.

"Well not counting Ryan, you were the only one who ever believed in me. I had my fair share of cheerleaders over the years. But you were the only one who truly believed in me. You took a gamble and invited me into the Court, into your family... when you didn't even know who I was. All you saw was a timid girl who conquered a giant. You took a leap of faith for me. Why wouldn't I take one for you? You're the kind of person I'm thankful to have in my life."

Wow. My alter ego didn't pipe up with something ignorant that time. I was shocked. Floored. And it put me in a slightly better mood as I placed a hand to my chest dramatically, "My heartstrings! They cant handle the tugging! Ow gawd."

With a grin, I stuck my tongue out playfully as I started to take my leave, "All these feels are hard to handle. Let's just promise to not lose each other, or ourselves."

"That's right... now get outta here, ya little scamp!" I turned slightly to look back at her, and saw Rayne stretching down her lower left eyelid with a tongue of her own sticking out. With a giggle, I curtsied toward my friend, saluted, then twirled on my heel and scurried out.

Things were looking up.

But... things also never last, do they? It was a couple days later. I'd left the Omegas' house to head over to where the next VoW event... Darkest Hour, the fourth pay-per-view... was to be held at. Well, close to it. Thief River Falls, Minnesota didn't exactly have an abundance of things to do. Then again, Minnesota was running out of those in general. But that said, I wasn't particularly in the mood for 'fun' anyway. Which is ironic, considering who I was facing. A man I once considered family as well. A man I'd once been very close to.

"Things never last..."

I chuckled and shook my head for what felt like the fiftieth time that week. I was walking along Red Lake River with my manager Andy Wilde and personal assistant Jessica Brennan. The two contrasted each other in the most amazing way. Andy had her usual tomboyish look, with dark jeans and dark shoes on, along with a black shirt and classy looking black jacket. Her dark hair was getting longer than when I'd met her, and shaped her face in a rather sexy way. Meanwhile, Jessi had white (no flippin' joke) pants on, a light blue collared shirt with a V neck, and a teal coat. Also, considering the temps were heading into the freakin' single digits there in northern Minnesota... she wore some fuzzy white gloves and earmuffs of the same color.

"Oohh it's s-so chilly..." Jessi chattered, movin' a lil closer to me. I smiled down at her as she grabbed my arm, trying to get warmer, while Andy replied in a bored tone,

"I guess."

"Aren't you both used to cold weather? Ya darn Midwesterner and Brit."

"Meh. I'm not really proud to be a Midwesterner right now, considering what's happening in Ferguson." Andy shrugged a shoulder, staring into the distance with a frown. My lips turned downward slightly as well.

"Yeah... I hope your friends and family in Saint Louis are okay..."

"Heh. Me too." She took in a breath before meeting my eyes evenly. "I know one thing... people in that city sure as hell aren't gonna just sit around and let rioters do what they want."

"Yeah yeah, people from St Louis are totally hardcore. Roar." I waved Andy off, before stretching... with one arm, since Jessi had the other. "Nevertheless, I'm glad you're with me. I feel better 'bout that, knowin' you're safe."

"Despite me knowing you aren't?" Wilde frowned, "Somehow I feel like that's not fair..."

"Whattaya mean? I'm perfectly fine." Offering my manager a confused look, I turned it to Jessi when she spoke quietly...

"I th-think Andy's w-worried about this w-week when it c-comes to S-Seth..."

She was stammering more than usual, prolly on account of the whole freezing temperature thing, and I pushed her slightly closer to Andy so she was between us, before responding. "I'm not too worried 'bout him."

"You should be." Andy came back at me, looking perplexed as she spoke, "I mean, I'm not saying you should be scared of him or anything. I'm sure as hell not. But he's still pretty threatening. He wants to teach you a lesson this week, V."

"If I wanted that, I woulda stayed in college."

"Haha, funny." She mumbled sarcastically. I smiled sweetly at Andy, as Jessi spoke now...

"H-he doesn't like what y-you believe. And he wants t-to show you th-that you need t-to take things more s-seriously..."

"It's funny. The religious zealots he can't stand have that same ideology." Andy smirked, and I shrugged.

"I don't really care about his opinion. Fact is, we have a match. And it don't matter than Rayne just beat 'em recently. I mean, I'm sure it does for her... but it's different between me and Seth. It's different... for me." Staring down at the icy ground, I continued thoughtfully, "When I was younger, I realized one day that I was different. I mean, I'm pretty eccentric and bubbly yeah. But that don't mean jack. Cuz I knew... somethin' was off. I was an introvert. I was an outcast. And eventually I told myself that I liked bein' alone. I liked drinking coffee alone, and reading alone. I liked driving alone and walking home alone. It gave me time to think... ta set my mind free."

With a long pause, as my two friends watched me... waiting patiently for me to continue.... I smiled slightly. "But... when I see a mother with her child. Or someone with their lover. Or someone laughing along with their best friend. I realize that... even though I like being alone... I'm not really a fan of being lonely."

Lifting my gaze to the other two women beside me, my grin widened just a bit, "...which is why I'm thankful for the friends I do have. You two... Rayne..."

We saw a little wooden bridge and ended up crossing it to get over the river we walked along. But I paused there and leaned against the side. "...and in the past, Seth..."

"N-not anymore?" Jessi inquired softly, and I stared ahead. So many thoughts had been runnin' through my mind this week. About everyone and everything. Usually I was seen doin' something fun or exciting. Usually you'd see those lil news stories about how I was spotted at this place or that place, takin' part in something for the community I happened to be at. But even TMZ noted that I'd been keepin' a low profile. Rumors and bullshit spread about why. Maybe it was cuz I was having trouble coping with, well, everything. Or maybe I was hiding from the scurry Seth Iser, afraid to confront him physically or verbally before our match...

You know what they say about those who assume...

While I felt numb when it came to Reya. When it came to a lot of stuff lately. With Seth... as I said a couple times now... it was different. I was so... so... angry. Heated. Because there was something he'd said that downright pissed me off. The man who talked about respect had basically torn down the walls that were between us, opening up enough space for me to see what he truly believed. To see the basic, naked opinion that he pushed as fact...

"A legend..."

That word alone had a bit of venom to it, as I turned around and put my hands on the railing of the bridge. They tightened, and I kicked the lower part of it in annoyance. "What's the definition?"

"It's s-someone who's really well-known or f-famous, or even n-notorious." Jessi answered, rubbing her gloved hands together. Andy nodded in agreement.

"Usually in some kinda particular field. In this case, I'm assuming you're talking about wrestling..."

"Yeah. It's funny... in the same sentence, Seth mentioned respect... and being a legend." I slammed a hand down onto that railing, looking over at my manager. "I'm not lookin' for a legacy, Andy. I'm not trying to gain respect."

"I noticed. You wrestle, and do all of this stuff, for fun nowadays."

"And what's wrong with that?!"

"Absolutely nothing, in my eyes." Andy lifted an eyebrow, "Hell, you've won quite a few times since joining VoW, even with that mindset..."

"And e-even then, you w-were never c-concerned with winning in the f-first place..." Jessi pointed out, and I laughed and threw my arms up.

"Too bad that that's wrong! Shame on me for not givin' a flying fuck about creating a legacy! Shame on me for not caring about respect or everyone else's opinion of me! Fucking SHAME ON ME... for living for MYSELF!"

I'd gone back to shouting, my voice echoing through the quiet wilderness. I was getting angrier with every thought. But the hilarious freaking thing was... if Brett Carson... of Edward Myers or even my other half-sister Cera... had said that shit to me? I wouldn't have been affected! I wouldn't have cared! But there were two people... two people who ground my gears enough to cause me to become irate as all hell. And that was Casanova English... and Seth Iser.

"They're the fucking same." I growled. Usually I'm not one to swear like a sailor. But when I got emotional... damn. "Seth and Mr English. Why? Why're they bothering?! It's the same as everyone else! Why do people care about other people's lives?! You're gay? You have a different religion?? Who the hell cares?! You're dumb? You believe something someone else doesn't?! Why... does it... matter?!"

"Not only that... but they're also both trying to change you in some way..." Andy brought up with a slight scowl now. Cuz she liked me for who I am. D'aww. Of course, I was a bit too pissy to snuggle her face (raincheck!), and responded angrily...

"Yes. Yes they are. Of course, I don't think Iser realizes that he's playin' the same freaking game English is!" I laughed, a bit of hysteria starting to bubble up. "I have the potential to be a sadistic psychopathic victorian Queen! Let's bring 'er on out! I have the potential to be an arrogant, self-righteous legend. Let's bring that out! No! No no no no NO!"

"That's six 'no's. That's how you know it's serious business." Andy whispered to Jessi, who giggled in response. But I was too busy with my tirade to notice and/or laugh.

"Why do people think they have a fuckin' right to tell someone what they should be or who they should be?! Can't I just be ME?!" A pang in my chest made me falter, and my eyes began burning. I wasn't gonna cry. I wouldn't give anyone that satisfaction. But it was hard. Because I'd always hated 'me'. I'd almost killed myself, on multiple occasions, because of that. And finally, after a decent wrassling career... after proving to be someone relevant and strong and finally fucking liking myself, even... even the tiniest bit...

"I can't win..." Dammit. I didn't want this to happen. I felt a single tear, hot and burning, trail down my cheek. It nearly froze from the cold, and Andy and Jessi's amusement faded as they both looked at me worriedly. Of course, Andy got all mad and stuff...

"I hate that bastard." She snapped, slamming her own hand down on the railing (poor bridge...). "He thinks he knows what's best for people. He's a wrestling veteran. I get it. He's a well-known competitor and huge inside the ring and out. Almost everyone knows the name Seth Iser. But why the hell does that give him the right to tell others how they should live? He hated on Rayne for being a heroine. For protecting and coming to the aid of the people she cares about. And he hates on you for enjoying your life. It's despicable."

"It's sad..." Jessi piped up softly, and Wilde looked back over at me seriously.

"Always be yourself. Express yourself. Have faith in yourself. Don't go out and look for a successful personality and duplicate it. If you want to have fun, have fun. Just take things as they are. Punch when you have to punch. Kick when you have to kick. Water doesn't grow stale, V. So just keep flowing. And don't worry about what that asshole says."

".... were you just quoting a bunch of martial arts movies?"

Andy slowly dropped the finger she was pointing at me, and I laughed. "You're right though. I get all worked up... for what? I mean, heck... what am I doing now? Taking things seriously. I shouldn't let him take the fun away. I shouldn't let him... take anything from me."

"So what're you gonna do?"

"Baptism." My reply must've confused both of the women with me, as they stared at me in bewilderment. I glanced back down at the river below, murmuring smoothly, "Wash it all away. The cheap victory against English and Myers. The way I feel about this Reya thing. And... Sebastian."

My voice cracked when I said his name, before I took in another breath and continued, "Seth... Iser. If he can't forgive me for enjoying what I do.... for having fun in this industry- in my life? Then... that's his prerogative. And I can't let that define me. I can't kill him. And right now, I really wanna. It feels like the only way to get him outta my head. To wipe him off from the face of my earth..."

"Now who's quoting things?" Andy murmured, watching me cautiously. She narrowed her eyes when I suddenly yanked off my purple jacket, as Jessi's eyes widened.

"N-Nessa, what are y-you..."

Without answering, I suddenly quickly climbed up on the railing and finished my thought, sayin' it louder for them both to hear, "... everything. Washed away like dirt from a cut."

"V, get down."

"It's ICE N-Nessa!"

"It's not completely frozen yet." I replied casually, turnin' around on the railing and smiling weakly at my friends, "I'll keep the memories. The ones I always kept close to my heart. But that's it. Because now... after this week... after Darkest Hour... I'm cutting all ties with Seth Iser. He... he's... no longer... my family."

Another tear trickled down, before I let myself fall backwards. I prolly should've turned around. My back had already taken enough abuse from the previous week, and I was still recovering. Yet... I honestly didn't care. I plunged into the water below, easily breaking through the thin ice. It was freezing, and I could already sense the hypothermia creeping toward me. But somehow... I felt so good. Like it really had washed me clean. And as I resurfaced, sputtering and coughing, I heard the Queen suddenly speak up in my mind, her tone more curious than anything...

What shall you do, pray tell, if you are victorious this week... and truly do lose all relations with him? Another person wiped clean from your wretched life...?

"Doesn't matter..." I responded, ignoring the violent shivers ripping through me. There was a different kind of fire burning, a white-hot bit of adrenaline surging through me. Andy and Jessi frantically ran over to come get me out of the bitter cold water, as I continued the icy, resentful retort... ending all doubts between myself and the Queen...

"He's dead to me anyway..."

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~This has been a V rp, thanx for reading and have a great f*cking day!~