The Pain of Loss

I never knew what it was like to be loved.

If you take that statement at its core value…I guarantee that the mass of people would scoff at that statement in our hardened, embittered society. Another handful would look at me when I make that bitter truth, the kind of jarring truth that I’ve recently found out to be such and claim that it’s a fabricated lie by a man who has the disposition of a snake and the moral code of every tyrannical human being ever compared to…and I’ve dealt with that kind of response at best for damn near thirty three years of my life no matter what I say or do.

But this particular truth is a fact because nobody can judge what went on but me. The fact is that when I was born to a pair of people who deeply loved their religion far more than they ever loved me…I was left to fend for myself at the very start. No motherly instinct ever kicked in for that evil woman…and my father fell into the vices of alcohol and drug abuse while preaching how the words of God touched us all. I guess we are kin in the vices department considering my own past…but neither of my parents ever gave me any kind of comfort…any support…any love.

In fact…I still remember the way my arm broke when that heinous woman threw stones at me when I questioned the existence of God…creating a lifelong resentment of that cold book called the bible that still carries out in my heart to this very day. It really etched into my brain…that if the people that brought you onto this earth would treat you with such hatred in their eyes and hearts…what would people who have zero ties to you at all in life do to you in order to get ahead? That question was burned into my unconfident adolescent self and exploded into my brain when I blew my knee out after my parents double suicide…just because they couldn’t stand I was about ready to get a scholarship and actually make something of myself by playing football.

Even if I wasn’t completely out of the woods…hell I’d fall deeper into darker grips in my life…it’s wrestling that ended up saving me from this purgatory by unleashing all the anger that had been burning deep inside my heart. The anger in my heart…ironically got me the heartless nickname of The Apocalypse for years…but even with this anger in my heart, I never truly took the craft as seriously as you should have. I had more fun with the after night parties to attempt to cleanse but unwittingly feed this darkness that still exists in my heart. It’s a bitterness that’s there.

And yet…all it took was the proper understanding from two people to start to expose me to something that I had never had in my life. 

When I first adopted my daughter Allison…trying to free her from the binds and horrible fate that had bestowed upon me I got exposed to love for the first time in my life. It changes the way a man thinks…and for the first time in my life I found myself learning what it was like to fight for someone other than yourself. In a weird way…I had the intention of saving this young girl from becoming a destructive female version of myself…but she had done her part in saving me too…letting me believe that maybe some people aren’t…so bad.

That’s where Vanessa enters. She wasn’t intimidated by my frame at all…if anything she was the first one who actually read me like a book because she knew where to look. Thing is, I read her too…I read this different human being who has her own outlook on life and a less than serious approach. She, like me, was more introverted than extraverted at the core. I grew to enjoy traveling with that…even gave me a sense of comfort…but the more miles we traveled…the more I can see some people take advantage of that particular nature in the ring as well as some terrible traits outside of it when she let her guard down for the wrong people that pollute our earth.

The first alarming strike…after all those miles and even knowing my daughter Allison with a visit…was the fact that on more than one occasion she’s let the wrong person get close to her before something vile happens. The name Adrian Specter she’ll curse to this very day…because of it. The second red flag…was the fact that when we were both members of UnStable over a year ago…she jumped ship due to an animosity with another member without even informing me of her plans after I had to work so hard to make sure the others could trust her. The third and final strike however…had nothing to do with lack of visiting me when I was hurt…even if that irritated me…no…it was something far more vile and egregious.

She had the gull to think I’m the selfish one when the last few years…I’ve done my absolute best to put her best interests to the forefront.

She thinks that my harping on her to take her own career…her own life choices far more seriously than her lackadaisical approach is my way of changing her. No…never was…never will be. Whether she wants to admit it or not that coffee she drinks can very well be the end of her. The erratic actions in front of a cold, hardened and selfish society could also kill her. If she’s not careful…those people…and that addiction to caffeine will kill her. Hell, that tendency to completely close off from people who actually care like she has multiple times in the past…that can and will kill her one day like it almost ended me. If she doesn’t harden her heart, take the preparations of matches against even allies more seriously and cut the caffeine slowly but surely from her system…that vicious circle of addiction will get her killed. 

The thing is…me pissing her off to this point however…I got what I wanted when I arranged the match to begin with…just I didn’t imagine the price I had to pay in order to get it.

This wedge…this split is something I’ve never experienced either due to what I’ve gone through in my own life. Betrayal isn’t a strong enough word…but I feel like I was used by this woman in a way. I really do. She used me for my knowledge in the industry…lending her some assistance in becoming the great wrestler that she is. I’m not taking full credit because I’m not dense…it’s still on them however, now I’m tasked with shutting down someone that knows me better than anybody…and even if I know her as well as anybody on the roster…I still can’t predict her. That’s part of that personality she thinks I want to change…

Hardest match I’ll ever have to wrestle with these conflicting emotions beating in my heart…but the overriding thing is…I can’t let this sabotage of trust by this woman lead in her victory. She was the leader of The Court…putting in that respective code of trust and honor but the ironic thing is…she’s violated that code so many times at this point…and now she’s violated it toward me. Not only the code of the court was violated…but the code of wrestling itself…violated again because you don’t do someone that’s done so much for you that wrong with your own words and selfish actions.

I hate to do this…but Vanessa, dear ‘sister’; you must pay for your sins against the purity of professional wrestling and the circle of life itself.

Time for your lesson in respect from the Dean of Professional Wrestling…

The snowflakes coldly flicker down from the sky in the first major winter storm that’s hit home this year. The air is cold and thin with the wind swaying the naked trees through the wind to send what snow might be perched up there flying back toward the ground. The ugly grey sky contrasts the serenity of the white covered ground. The occasional call of nature is heard deeper in the distance but it’s a very faint, quiet evening in my home of Morgantown, West Virginia. The winter air blends more with the ugliness of the stormy sky as whenever it bites down…you feel it in the bones and my older, more seasoned body just feels much more agitated by it than I would have even a year ago from all the wear and tear wrestling has put me through.

“Doesn’t get any easier…it really doesn’t the older you get…” I mutter, “Freak’n snow. Of course it’d come on Thanksgiving week when I’m supposed to take the flight out but all of them are delayed and it isn’t advisable at all to travel by car. Tch…Thanksgiving…”

I spit out the word Thanksgiving with utter disdain. Beyond my daughter at this point…there isn’t a ton that I’m that…appreciative and thankful for. Hell, the spirit of that is dead when you look at the cartoons bitching about immigrants taking away from food when we, the white people, are the actual immigrants who created this holiday thankful that the Native Americans let us live and helped us with food in order to survive. We ended up slaughtering them in our imperialistic rise…and lose complete perspective of this Holliday we originated here.

If anything though…I should be thankful for my intuition and concept of the truth considering the horrid lives everyone loves to live in…

“I guess because of my own mind…I’m destined to be more of a loner…condemned for life…” I shut my eyes just letting the snow blister my face just reflecting upon everything, “What a fate it is. Doesn’t make living life easier though…it has its own struggles.”

The porch of my house has a cheap little roof over it with a shoveled out pathway for walking that looks like a parting of the sea as they can only imagine in the bible but in snow form. The quaint little home that I’ve lived in the last few years isn’t the luxurious place most people imagine a multi-time champion and successful wrestler to live in…but it’s more than enough for me. It’s big enough for my daughter and I and a few guests…and there’s privacy out here in the woods just outside of the big city of Morgantown. The brick house has been maintained pretty well the last seven years not once looking like its decayed in the slightest.

“Never spend much time here except when I’m hurt usually…” I mutter eyes still closed in thought, “But there’s no sense in being hasty…because I’ve seen so many of these damn kids be too hasty with their cash and everything…and I know it’s sooner rather than later in life when you look at the grand scheme of things…had a nice career though if I really think about it…even if I haven’t accomplished what I thought I would by this point.”

“The fuck is wrong with you?” I hear Moretti’s voice call out, “You never reflect like this…so what the hell is going on in that brain of yours?”

“We’d be here for a month if we listed every single thing Vincent…” I stoically reply, opening my eyes, “Though I could ask the same thing about your weather forecasting skills and your ability to keep your pants on when you see any woman…”

“Hey…hey! This isn’t about me!” he sneers, irritated at my sarcasm.

“That’s a first…” I smirk.

“No…I’m dead serious man. If this was anybody else that was opposite Seth might be me…or even your mentor Noish…you’d be finding a way to rile yourself up to really want to fight. I know how you operate…and the last seven years that one particular trait has always seen you through whether you won or lost. It isn’t there this week Seth...I don’t see it. I don’t see that kind of fire at all!” he replies his tone low and soft by his standards.

“Simple Vincent…even with my own feelings on the matter…I truly don’t know what to expect when I step into the ring…” I frown while glancing at the snow on the ground with a very solemn tone in my voice, “What they used to say in Japan I’ll bring here because it’s accurate…Vanessa is like tofu. She looks fragile but at its core it’s a very tough and can do literally just about anything you ask it to do. It’s that kind of creativity…that I have to prepare for and when she feels as angry as she does…that could mean damn near anything including The Queen…”

With that I listen to the engine of a bus go off in the distance and whip the black scarf around my neck around one more layer to compliment my all black coat and heavy jeans. Moretti scowls at the scarf as he’s wrapped up in a fur riddled coat and in an oddity for him…heavier blue jeans. The shine from his silver hair shows through just through the couple locks as he puts on that flamboyant smile that is often perched on his face. The bus goes by and I just glare at him.

“Figured that they’d let the kids off early. Just they came even earlier than I thought. Stay where you’re at…I’m going to go spend some time with my kid…” I order.

Instead of a sarcastic or a jackass remark or response…Moretti just nods his head in understanding considering it’s my kid involved. With a shrug as the snow starts to get a little heavier I start marching to the usual bus stop to see my little girl. Being lost in this tormented brain of mine, the walk goes by very quickly or I’m just pacing through this much faster than usual…guess it’s fatherly instinct at this point. As the frequency of trees increase as I march down this little, shoveled out path, I glance to my right and see the road is still dangerous and snow covered and that this backwards ass state of West Virginia never does a great job getting the roads cleared out. The last thing I want is to walk in late and jet lagged with someone wanting to kick my ass on one of the biggest shows in this young company’s history. The thought of the show makes me think of what happened last week when English’s movement included Cera…and delivered a ferocious beat down on RDO(the one I approved of considering how icy we are) and Vanessa(one I didn’t like so much) to introduce the new member. I’ve seen many factions come together at many companies…just what does it mean with that particular group considering the youth of this company.

“English…the mastermind of this. What is their exact aim?” I mutter aloud to myself, “The aim hidden between the words…and are they going to stick…or will they be fractured considering their egos and inevitably melt away like the snow eventually does.”

It’s no use to think on that other detail looming around right this minute. The cold might be clearing my mind on one respect but it’s still way too foggy to get a precise picture just yet on everything. The wind dies down slightly as I look ahead and a figure of my young daughter up ahead. The lass has started to really grow up over the last couple of years…taller than the average girl at her age of ten and she even has some athletic gifts that surpassed what I had at that age considering her natural strength. She’s got a long sweater on but no winter jacket as she shivers uncontrollably before waving at me with a grin.

“Hey!” I call out, “Forget your coat?”

“Dad? What are you still doing here?” she asks, very surprised before a grin comes across her face.

Once she sees me it’s almost as if she forgets how cold she is and starts sprinting to see me. Some ten year olds have a rebellious streak but I guess the one GOOD thing about wrestling is that since I’m not around all of the time…it makes the times that I am here special for her just as they are for me. It does get harder though…knowing I have to be away and miss certain aspects of her life now…but alas right now I’m here and she’s here too.

“Yeah, I forgot my coat…” she finally answers my question deadpan, “Left it in the locker…”

“It happens…” I shrug, “But I’m guessing by how cold the snow and weather is…you’re not going to forget it again are you?”

“Nope,” she shakes her head.

“Any homework?” I question in my usual stern voice.

“Yup…Math,” she replies.

“I see…” I smirk, “I might’ve taken a few chair shots to the cranium but my brain still works well enough. If you have trouble…I can help with that.”

She doesn’t reply to my attempt at trying to be…funny at all. If anything I can hear Moretti as we’re walking back cringing in the distance at my horrendous joke and I just let out a sigh in disgust. I can tell however that Vincent wants to say something a little more…adult but when he sees my kid right there he’s muting himself and thinking his sentence more thoroughly than usual.

“You can tell she doesn’t have your gene pool,” Moretti offers up with a grin.

“I’m just happy the lass doesn’t have YOUR genetic code…” I sneer, “At least one of us can control ourselves in stressful situations.”

“See Allison…see how he treats me!” he mock whines, “I feel like a gopher!”

“You’re not hairy enough to be one…” Allison replies stoically.

“Dammit Vincent…” I mutter, “How many ti—“

Before I can finish my sentence my face is pelted with a snowball right above my eye. The cold snow irritates my eye as the snowball soon plops to the ground and I glance at the source and it’d be my daughter. She has that cat that got the canary type of grin etched onto her face before an uproarious laughter from Moretti is heard. The initial tick of anger from Moretti’s laughing vanishes when I glance quickly back at my daughter’s mischievous grin before I finally shrug and explode from my stance like I used to do in high school football and tackle Moretti into the snow.

“You bastard!” he yells as he plops down into the ground falling into the snow about as hard as I can let him land without killing him.

I can hear Allison’s laughter as Moretti is coughing from the impact on his ribs as I drove my shoulder into his stomach while in the ground. There’s a slight wince on how parts of the snow landed on my still tender face from the orbital bone injury that’s been there for a while. Before Moretti has a chance to recover, I pie face him with a handful of snow to keep him down childishly while I get back to my feet. My instincts shout duck and I do that as a snowball just travels right by me. She’s still grinning though at these two adults acting as childishly as humanly possible when it comes to snow.

“Can’t get me twice…” I grin before letting out a quick cough.

“Urgh…you have to watch your strength sometimes…” Moretti growls.

“Well Allison…” the smile fades away for a minute before I get stern, “As much fun as…horsing around is you have things you have to do. Math doesn’t solve itself does it?”

“Aw…right now?” she growls.

“Yeah…you know when the roads clear up I’ll have to be out of here…and I want you to have access to help if you need it…” I calmly reply.

“Alright…” she shrugs, defeated on this one, “I’ll do it.”

“Good,” I nod in approval.

Allison sprints toward the house as I keep my watchful eye on things making sure she isn’t TOO far ahead to where she’d be in danger before she reaches the house and swings open the door. I think about possibly calling out to take off her shoes before they track snow everywhere before shaking my head and having a peaceful smile on my face…if there’s some snow on the floor I can always clean it up. While I peer back behind me, Moretti finally wipes off the snow from his face and looks irritated that he got football tackled to the ground.

“Dude…” Moretti coughs, wincing at his ribs, “I thought even after you sent her inside you’d be amped up and ready to go. What gives?”

“It’s…a long answer,” I pause with my eyes cast elsewhere…hesitating at the weighted question.

“I’m not going anywhere…” Moretti replies his tone calm and collected.

With a sigh I glance up at the sky for a minute and am greeted with the heavy snow that has continued to peter downward onto the ground just mauling over the words in my brain. The animosity I have toward my own father festers through in one respect but then I remember one thing Vanessa said about a man who wasn’t blood but whom her mother had married. The person that in the house hold I’d assume would be called Dad but never had that respect…and I also glance at my own hand and nodding that Allison isn’t my blood.

But she’s my family…

Blood makes you related…but unwavering loyalty makes you family.

“Well…to be perfectly honest Vincent right now…I really enjoy being a father but I often wonder if I could ever lose her. Not just lose her from some bullshit some fan could create in a scheme to rip away from me my daughter…and a couple of them have tried that because they hate me that badly…but…” I pause glancing back, “But…let’s just say when I’ve more or less lost Vanessa the last year slowly but surely…and the steps and patterns of behavior have gone through in my head…I worry that my daughter will react to me like Vanessa has in terms of being icy…or even how she reacted when the man her Madre married to be Dad and to be that loving figure died and she had no reaction to it at all. I wonder if Allison might have that reaction if I make that wrong step…”

With a sigh I just glance back up at the heartless sky with no answer to my outward wondering or any relief to my fears.

“It scares me…” a moment of weakness seeps into my voice as I admit that statement, “It does…but it was Vanessa who was the one who said I was dead to her…wasn’t it.”

That last sentence…I can’t help but feel a twinge of pain like a stake going right through my heart every time I think of those words echoed into my brain. But after I’ve felt that stake repeating those words time and time again…I feel something else now…a different type of fury boiling through. A volcano almost with-in me just about ready to erupt in a way I don’t think even I can control.

“It’s weird what was supposed to be a good wrestling match can turn into…isn’t it?” Moretti muses, “I’m sure Noish felt similar when you went way off the path and you two had to bang heads didn’t he.”

“No…the mentor student relationship is one thing…but when one actually feels like family it’s way different. Different beyond words…” I sigh but the intensity picking up again, “But…as much as I want to think Reya or RDO have poisoned her about how I am…and there might be a small part of that to play…part of it is also my own damn fault too but it doesn’t matter now at this point…”

“I see that fire again…slowly…” Moretti calmly replies.

“Maybe so…but she’s made her decision now…shutting off all ties like that before this particular match. Now she’s got to live with the decision in that instead of wrestling someone at fullest with victory in mind…she’s wrestling an enemy in me…a different kind of enemy because she broke my heart when she admitted those words. I think…after I’ve thought about it long enough I finally know what I have to do.” I pause feeling my anger and pain building that’s always been there…just now exploding, “Now…I must take my revenge for this kind of pain and I’m taking it with interest. She broke my heart as I’ve said…so I’m going in there to not only win but to rip out her heart and throw it right up against the fucking wall for causing this kind of pain!”

I hear even Moretti take this back step as the rage courses over my body…and I’m going to hang onto this feeling…for a long time. Maybe far too long but while this is going to cause me specific pain…I’m going to use this for motivation to make sure I never feel that hurt ever again and to be damn careful who I let into my life. I have had Thanksgiving week to stew over everything…and I’ve finally boiled over and exploded.

So this is what the pain of loss really feels like when it’s…burned this close to you.

Noish’s death still burns into my soul…and yes I still remember what happened thanks to Hazard’s god damned mother. The scars are still there…and I’ll forever be reminded by them but I find closure in this one because of Noish’s daughter living a good life after the fact. This however…I can’t foresee what’ll happen afterword’s because the instrument of which I thought would bring us back together has drove us permanently apart and now we’re lost.

‘Dead to me’ she said exactly…in regards to where I stand.

For years now…I never thought I’d see this particular day where I’d be that guy facing this kind of betrayal but here I am…in that spot. Funny how life works…but I’ve learned from this experience…I truly have. It makes me far more thankful for my relationship with my own adopted daughter…and in a weird way thankful that Moretti keeps me sane while driving me insane the last couple of years since he’s retired from wrestling and escaped Russia with most of his marbles.

Just I’m standing here with the hardest match I’ll ever have to wrestle…but with the ultimate determination that I need to come out victorious in my own mind to start soothing the anger that’s now prevalent in my own heart and soul thanks to this woman. She can bring the Queen…Reya could come in from Africa just to see me vanquished for what I’ve done to her for all I care to be her warrior reinforcement. It doesn’t fucking matter at this point.

I’m eradicating the last memories I have of The Court. The only memories I thought were good…but now will torment me until I do so.

And this cleansing of my soul will begin when I unleash this anger you created in me…and I leave you a broken heap in the ring…and my hand raised in victory in this war.

There is no choice in the matter…if our bond is dead…then I’ll leave a different lasting memory in your psyche in that ring…

…and those poisoned words like legend that you hate to hear…will be jammed down your throat repeatedly when I ascend to becoming the legendary wrestler that I deserve to be…while your own vices leave you wallowing and maybe even dead.

A part of me still doesn't want to do this...but as I've said no choice in the matter. It's our fate now.

That…’sister’ is the truth.