A Silly Little Memory...

Whatever mark you've made on this world, how you've affected it and the people in it, shines through with the reaction you get when you leave it...


I'm drowning.

So many memories burrow their way into the back of our minds. And everything you can think of goes back to them. Certain scents... certain visuals, sounds, textures... all affect our minds, beliefs and so on. They bring things, good or bad, back to us. The smell of our grandma's cookies reverting us back to childhood... seeing a dog and feeling an odd amount of fear. It's a powerful thing, neh? When all it takes to make us feel an array of emotions... is a single memory.

Using that as a segway... it's been said that those who don't learn from the past are doomed to repeat it. This is especially true if you're prone to making mistakes. Some of us repeatedly do things without thinking... say things without caring. It's a bad habit... it destroys important things. I've lost so much by being so stupid... and gained so much when I or someone else slapped some sense into me. Sometimes literally.

But it's not all about me. And I think that's what fucked me up the most.

I'm human. So I'm greedy and selfish and cruel and violent and loving and giving and emotional. Hell, humanity itself is bipolar. Sometimes we fill our Earth with hate, and sometimes we beg for peace. We fight to protect that which we love, then fight with those same people. It's like we live to contradict ourselves.

Luckily, that's okay, because we're only human...

We're flawed. Beautifully, substantially flawed. And all of the mistakes I've made, all of the memories I hold, will not go down in vain. I've learned a lot. I've loved a lot. I've hated a lot. And I've grown... a lot. Once upon a time... just a silly, drunk little girl crashing motorcycles into buildings. Just an emotional underdog who wanted to give people in that same boat a chance to shine. Just a crazy, bipolar, coffee obsessed brat with hot pink hair. Just a wannabe motivational speaker... boring and repetitive, silly and sometimes depressing... all around emotional wreck who stands at the very end of her insane road... for the last time, saying...

Let me show you what it truly means... when I say sanity is overrated...

♫ Say you'll remember me standing in a nice dress, staring at the sunset, babe... red lips and rosy cheeks, say you'll see me again, even if it's just in... your wildest dreams... ♫

Do You Remember?

This sentence was drawn on a simple whiteboard, in black marker. The camera focused in on it, as I sat there, just... making a V-Log. Yet another week, right? Same old, same old. Fight the bad guys... win the battle. Say some words... win the love of the fans. Emotional words and proudly spoken quotes to put hope into the hearts of hundreds. I was truly an inspiration...

"What number is this one?" I asked, in my usual cheery, slightly ditzy tone. I was met with a mumbled response, and I innocently looked to the side. The camera remained on me as another voice spoke up...

"Does it matter?"

"Oh stop bein' mopey. Anywho!" I smiled back at the camera and lifted the whiteboard again, tugging the earbuds out so that I could focus. "Hey guys... Nessa here. Have you missed me?"

...

"Will you?"

The smile faltered, but I plastered it back to my face as I continued strongly, "So I'm here with my BFFs, Andy and Jessi. They're off to the side, and you prolly won't see much of 'em. You can track the progress of me and Andy's relationship on twit-"

"Don't post updates on us, V!!!"

"Eh? Why? You ashamed of me?" I peered over at my manager/new bae (that's the term kids use nowadays, right?). Andy rolled her eyes at me, before shaking her head...

"You know I'm not. But certain things should be private..."

"Like how I like it when you give me a-"

"V!"

"What?!"

"This is supposed to be serious!"

"I'm bein' very serious!" I turned back to the camera with a mischievous grin. "Andy's just embarrassed cuz she hearts me and I wanna shout it out to the world. She's a sarcastic asshole who says shitty things sometimes, doesn't always understand how I feel, and isn't around as much as I'd like... physically, at least. But... even with all that... she makes me feel important. I feel safe around her, and... and I don't really wanna live without her. It's silly... we're so imperfect. It even sometimes looks like we're doomed to fail. I mean... we're so fucked up. I'm so fucked up. But when she texts me in the mornings, asks me how my day's going... when she buys a coffee out of nowhere... when she reads stuff I write and listens to me rant, when she deals with me lecturing her, and all of my shortcomings... and still tells me she cares about me, despite all of my fucking baggage....."

My voice broke, as my eyes started watering. Cursing my stupid emotions for getting the better of me again, I wiped away the tears and grinned like an idiot when I saw Andy smiling at me. That jerkoff... making me feel things and stuff. With a soft laugh, I looked back at the camera. "So there's that update. Those who shipped us.... it's canon now! That's an anime/cartoon joke, Jessi."

"I know th-that... I'm j-just as n-nerdy as you!"

"Bullsheeit." I giggled when Jessi frowned at me, before I shook my head and continued speaking to the camera...

"So ahm... not many more updates to tell, really. I'm not really that happy right now. But things will get better. Trust me. Things always get better... you just have to weather the storm to see the rainbow. And I like rainbows."

I picked up a cloth and draped it over my whiteboard, then pulled it away to show it saying, in colored markers #GAYPRIDE . As I stuck out my tongue playfully, Andy cleared her throat, telling me to get to my point. So impatient... she just wanted this booty. I smirked knowingly at her, and she gave me a look.

"Yeah yeah..." Returning my gaze from her to the camera, I casually held up my whiteboard and smiled. "This board is black."

...

"Some of you get where I'm going with this, and some of you are staring at your computers/cellphones, telling me I'm a freakin' liar. But I'm not. This board is black." With that, I turned it around to reveal a black back to the whiteboard. Turning it back to it's original position, I pointed at the words that were now there, Point of View.

You understand now, min venn?

"How can you tell someone that they're wrong, when you haven't seen their point of view?" I questioned, a thoughtful look on my face. "I can't really say the Orphanage... Cera... Brett... English... everyone in it... is wrong. I can say they're immoral. I can say they're just plain mean. But I haven't stepped into their shoes. I can't say they're wrong. After all, Mr English is the Modern Day Messiah. He has this philosophical ideology where he wants to 'save' people... from themselves? From their self-delusion? I mean... that's why he keeps tryin' to drag Queeny out to play... but that's not his place. It's my decision."

Our decision, and our's alone.

I nodded, more to myself than my other personality. She'd been pretty chill as of late. The reason's pretty funny... Queeny doesn't like being controlled. Just like anyone else. Just like me. Because she is me... another part of me. I'm one of those self-aware types. Where I know I'm crazy. Where I know there's a voice in my head.... and I talk to her, even though I know she doesn't exist. And I think English knows that too. If she's an extension of me, he wants to force that part out, to make me question who I am. To show everyone my true self. But... I just... I don't get it... he's a smart man. He must realize that all he's doing is exactly what others have, only more direct...

Unless that was his plan all along...

"It... doesn't really matter." I murmured, staring downward as I turned the board around and wiped it. Writing again, I continued quietly, "...maybe he was trying to drag back memories I'd tried to shut out. Maybe he was just fuckin' with me because he's a dick. Though that doesn't seem to be his style. Casanova's more of a manipulator of minds. He wants to dig into my subconscious... Rayne's... Stacy's... everyone's. And he uses any and all means necessary. But... true strength isn't as loud..."

I flipped the board around...

Real Strength is Loud Even in Silence

"Do you hear the sun come out in the morning, or the moon at night? We were always taught that power is loud, aggressive, and even intimidating. But some of the most powerful, important things don't make a peep." With a shrug, I frowned slightly as I spoke, "Just the same... words are powerful, but they don't need to be forced. I guess that's kinda why I always seem confused or repetitive or jumbled. Cuz I don't really push my points, scream them in your face until you finally accept them. That's not how you get people ta listen. You don't do or say the same thing over. Why force those dang cancer sticks into Rayne's mouth over and over? One drag, and she'll be addicted again. Nicotine's a powerful substance, after all."

I narrowed my eyes, a bit of animosity floating within me. But I exhaled slowly and stared into the camera, electric blue eyes cold, "You keep trying to force something, to control something... and then spout off about it. You'll bring out the real me? You don't even know me. The 'real' me...? Dude, I don't even fully know who that is. How do you expect to showcase that which I myself haven't even discovered? The closest thing is what you'll see at Nothing Else Matters. We're both after something... but something completely different. Whether it be the World Championship... or something else. Though we both know it's more... to prove a point, for things to come to fruition-- nothing else matters..."

Everyone ready for a trip down memory lane?

Wanting to get to the important part of the recording I was doing, I flipped the board into the air, then fell awkwardly to the side trying to catch it, as the place I was seated in seemed to tumble me around a bit. "Eh? Turbulence?"

"On such a small one?" Andy questioned, and Jessi lifted an eyebrow at her.

"The size doesn't matter, Andy...."

"Iono. Size matters sometimes. The motion of the ocean only makes sense with an ocean, not a puddle. Just sayin'."

".....no comment."

As I let them finish their convo, I leaned back against the door to... where I was... and turned the board around.

Memories are sometimes best left in the past...

"Some of you have followed me these past six years... through all the drama, excitement, awesomeness and not so awesome stuff. My official debut, not counting little deals here and there in other smaller places... was in 2009, in July. Not too long after my birthday. It was simple, and I wasn't very good. Dark hair, purple bike. I was punk and drunk. It was an interesting time..."

Pausing a moment, as I remembered the insanity of the past, I shook my head. "After that was just a rollercoaster... I won my first ever title, the Xtreme title of New Edge Wrestling, in November of that same year. Yes, I won a title within my first few months. I'm pretty awesome."

I grinned and flexed, before continuing casually, "I had some small matches after, even a cage match, and defended my title... and kept it. Got all cocky and started calling myself the 'Queen of Xtreme'. But anywho, in January of the next year I won a unification match involving the Xtreme title, then weird random shit happened, and I ended up being in a match for the title again... and beat Black Elvis. He was an interesting guy..."

"I don't remember him..." Jessi murmured thoughtfully, glancing at Andy, who shrugged. I smirked slightly.

"Not surprising. Sorry, that was mean." I waved the comment off with a devious grin, continuing, "Sometime after that... my half-sister Cera, who you all know oh so well, decided to be a bitch. Another fact you all know. I'd given her a place to stay... I guess out of guilt, because of our past... I barely remembered her, but whatever. Nonetheless, she ended up getting me arrested and thrown into a mental asylum. That was an interesting time in my life. Even more interesting, my ex-boss, Jesse Styles, came and got me out. Mostly because I was, as someone had once said to me... the heart of that federation. Ha."

I laughed sardonically, but decided not to even go there. Instead, I continued along the road of memories... "Closer to the end of that year, I made a return and started kickin' booty. Got involved in some pretty sweet matches... first blood, extreme rules... fun stuff... just like this 30/20 vision match. But I never needed better than perfect vision for the others. Which is worrisome, since I technically wear glasses...."

"V, stay on track." Andy piped up, and I looked up, then nodded sheepishly.

"Right, sorry. Anywho... I won a match against three of the big baddies in the fed, with my good friend Matt and another guy. Then I got in Terrordome... annnd let's move on." I grimaced, then tapped my chin in thought. I'd been digging deep for the last few weeks, writing down everything I could remember, asking my fans, and so on. There was a lot to go through, but I was only pulling out the most relevant...

"On May 9th, 2011... I formed this cute little group called 'the Court'. Since, y'know, I was the 'Queen'." I smiled warmly at this particular memory, staring into space. "It was in London... it was the beginning of a lot. And it helped me to find very important people. People who would help me... be there for me..."

Even in the darkest of times...

"But I'll get back to them. What else..." I stared blankly ahead, before remembering a few things, "Oh... I beat the scurry monster Hazard. I think a couple times. One was in a tournament thingy. I was also involved in a burn unit match. Fun times. However... something more important came along around that time... when I found something out about my life. I'd remembered Cera... she'd been around. But her sister... her fraternal twin sister... had almost... been erased from memory. Luckily she never will be again..."

The warm smile was back, as I felt all kinds of fuzzies inside. Reya was beautiful. In every way. Strong, but gentle. Serious, but fun to be around. Imperfect, but... close enough. She was... is... similar to what I strove to be. "She and I became pretty close. Though people tried to get between that. Mostly people like Johnny Stylez... a pothead with a big mouth, who beat me in one of many tournaments in that old fed. Though he kinda had to use tasers and outside interference from his just-as-obnoxious BFFs to take me down... nonetheless, I was pretty proud of myself after that. And I ended up winning the same championship (the World Title mind you), six months later. I think it was around that time between then that I also beat another scurry monster, Nocturnal, for the UPW championship... but I don't remember exact dates..."

I shrugged a shoulder nonchalantly, before stretching and smirking toward the camera. "What'd I tell ya? There's a lot I've done and been through. This'll be the longest V-Log I've done!"

"Don't take too long... we've got a reservation." Andy murmured, glancing at the skeleton watch I may or may not have bought for her. Grinning playfully, I crossed my legs pretzel-style and replied...

"You're only taking me somewhere fancy to get in my pants later."

"Maybe. Though if it doesn't happen, I'm good with spooning on the hotel's couch and watching a movie." Wilde shot me a wink, and I grinned.

"Only if you're the little spoon."

"WE ALREADY HAD THIS DISCUSSION!!"

"Bwahahaha!"

"W-Will you t-two focus?" Jessi broke in, her soft British accent immediately bringing me back to reality. Right. Memories.

"Alrighty, so basically after all that, I dragged myself to this new fed called ACW, which didn't last long, and I slithered along back to NEW and ended up finally gettin' that revenge match with Cera. Cuz she was a jerk... she beat me the first time we faced, but not this time. Not on Christmas!"

I lifted my chin confidently, before lowering it and smirking, "2013 is when things got... insane. While I'd always say things like 'I'll show you what extreme TRULY means' and all that drama... I let all that go, and decided to embrace the lunacy that had been clawing it's way outta my mind! Enter... Tha Joka."

"Oh g-god... the d-dildocopter..." Jessi whispered, making Andy crack up... but my eyes widened in horror.

"Don't remind me of the horrors that thing brought..."

"Did we ever find out who was controlling it? Or where it came from??" Andy questioned, and Jessi shook her head, as I spoke, 

"Or where it went?? I ain't seen it in a while..."

"Fans have t-taken pictures w-with it, N-Nessa..." Jessi pointed out, and I looked up at her curiously, a grin plastered on my face now...

"Seriously? With the dildocopter?"

"Well, with A d-dildocopter."

"The."

"N-Nessa, it's j-just a d-dildo strapped to a t-toy helicopter... I'm s-sure anyone c-could have--"

"No." I glowered at my friend, who sighed in annoyance. Andy shook her head at us, as I looked back toward the camera. "Are you just gonna keep all this shit?"

"Yea, prolly."

"It's cuz we're unintentionally amusing, huh?"

"Yep."

"Hmm. Why did the chicken cross the road?" A goofy grin on my lips, I looked up at Andy now, who decided to ignore me... so I answered my own joke. "Cuz he was suicidal!"

"......NESSA!" Jessi was absolutely horrified, as Andy facepalmed hardcore. But I continued smiling as I returned my attention to my V-Log.

"Back to biznezz.... me and Joka had this back and forth with antics and cardboard cutouts and stuff. As much as we were at each other's throats, for the most random of reasons... I really liked him. He was unique. Interesting. There was never a dull moment with Tha Joka around. And he and I ended up in Phoenix together, with Rickey Cassels and Jarek Whitaker and Bobby Backdoor and... I think that's it??"

Wracking my brain for a second, I shrugged, "Yeah, whatever. T'was short lived but interesting. Ended up reforming my Court. Beat a few big dudes, proved again and again my worth and strength, ended up being on the end of rumors, nasty comments, abuse and overall jackassery, and left. A place I'd been a part of for about five years... loyalty never really meant anything to them. But... I wouldn't change any of it. I wouldn't have met certain people if I did..."

I smiled at Andy, before my mind went back to the Court. People like Judas Dathan, who... I was close to, but never really got to say goodbye to. People like Rayne and Reya... two of my best friends. Two people who I've pushed away so hard, and yet they welcomed me back with open arms each time. We've had such good times. Outside of our jobs... outside of all the mess and mayhem... I was happiest when I hung out, or just talked to, them... they were some of my happiest memories...

Moments like that don't need explanation...

"The freshly opened VoW came next... I'd wanted to continue on. I had more to say. After all the shit I'd pulled and drama I'd endured, and even caused... I wanted to start over. I was trying to figure out how, at the start... though I've had one of the better track records since the opening of this place. I won my debut, beat Seth Iser for like the 3rd time in my career, defeated Casanova English twice..."

I inserted that last quip with a mischievous grin, before waving it off. "It's been fun here, in VoW. Hell, it's been fun wrassling. Maybe this place wasn't me at my prime. Maybe I even enjoyed my time where I'd go off and play with my 'adoptive' brother Custard Creamer, or snuggle Rayne and try to get in her pants despite her hubby bein' right there, or try to get Reya to play Mario Kart and throw a tantrum when she'd win.... all those random, silly moments... and everything in between... helped mold me into what you're seeing right now."

But everything comes to an end...

And things will change. They always do. Even if we didn't want them to. With a shaky sigh, I ran a hand through my messy hair one last time, trying to think of how to end this. It was important; more than anyone knew. And most people could think of a way to summarize it all. Most people could come up with some semblance of an ending... vow... to the people who'd been loyal to them for so long. I was human... by nature, emotional. By nature, expressive. All the little things... all the memories... with all of that, it should've been easy. Anyone could come up with... something.

Except for me.

"In the present, I'll see Casanova English in the ring, at Nothing Else Matters. We'll both follow through, with some sort of message. And mebe both of our desires will be met..." Rocking back and forth in my seated position, I stared away as I continued, "I have to... leave on a good note, eh... that night. A proud note. Though I'm speaking in code... almost like I'm ashamed. Ugh..."

I rubbed at my cheeks, feeling frustrated, and both Andy and Jessi moved over. My manager/SO rubbed my shoulders as Jessi sat nearby, out of sight of the camera, smiling gently. With a nod, feeling numb, I continued quietly, "It's been a good almost... almost seven years, really. In the past... I saw so many people, in the ring and out. I've learned new things, and got rid of old. I grew and matured, but was reminded to keep the childish side of me... because it's who I am. Even after this event... that won't change. I won't change. And I won't... just disappear. But... life lesson for ya, min venn.... it's okay to..."

We won't just...

"Run.

So far, so fast... that you can't breathe. Don't ever be afraid to run. To escape; to be free. Maybe you'll come back. Maybe one day..." I reached to the side, before putting on what looked to be a backpack of sorts, while tears threatened to fall. "...but anyway... I'll end this. To my friends... family... fans... Reya, Paxar, Rayne, Ryan, Matt, Owen, Sebastian, CC, Nick, Frank, Judas, Jarek, Joka, Ricky, Bobby, everyone else... remember. Please. Everyone has that moment, where they feel the time has come. Where they feel that they've made enough memories... to become one. And... I'm just a silly little memory. But hopefully I stay in all of your's. So... keep on... keeping on."

For one last time, I slowly reached up and put my earbuds back into my ears, slowly moving to my feet and holding the sides of the now open door. The camera's view pulled back, to reveal what looked to be the inside of a small plane. The camera then zoomed in, looking out of the door. We were hundreds upon hundreds of feet in the air. The camera backed up, showcasing me again as I smiled and closed my eyes. The cheers... and even some jeers... of fans from the past... of the present... and everything in between... echoed through my mind. And I slowly, calmly, took a step back... and fell from the plane, a new song quietly playing in my ears, tune slicing through the wind whistling around me...

♫ You can't rewrite what is inscribed.

I'm like a bird from a cage; I'm free at last and soaring.

When all is lost, you will find life.

I'm like a bird from a cage; I'm free at last and soaring high. ♫

-------------------------------------------------------------
~This has been a V rp, thanx for reading and have a great f*cking day!~